Thanks again y'all. I'm really sick of writing this stuff--but for what it's worth, this board actually provides a contemporaneous record of what is going on in my life--at least the timing, and may be helpful in futire legal actions.
I went to the Yankee game and had a fun time. I talked with my Dad about everything that was going on and how I hoped there may be some change, but I was preparing for the worst. After the babysitter left, I went donwstairs to watch the Av's game, but at 11:30, W came in.
I said I thought she'd be out until later after I was asleep. She must have been drinking, because she then went into a fit, took off her shirt (later her pants) and said, "Let's do it; show me you love me--or don't come in my bed!" C'mon Merrick, how long has it been? Touch me (she started grinding). Show me you've changed and that you love me and let's do it. If you don't do it, stay out of MY bed. In the midst of all this, she called me (several times) a F**ing jerk, idiot, AND HIT ME HARD ACROSS THE LEFT SIDE OF MY HEAD SIX TIMES, KISSED THEN BIT HARD MY LOWER LIP, and pushed me into a landing into a window. She even gave me a hickey. When I gasped after one of her hard hits, she said to stop being a baby. She also said at least four times--show me you love me like the woman at Starbucks (My Betsey composite )
She continued that I should just do it, just like I f**ed her on vacation last year. I just kept trying to walk away while she followed me around the house. At one point, she asked, me if I was human. I answered softly, "Very human." When she hit me--I literally thought to myself to turn the other cheek--but she still kept hitting the same one Finally, when she kept on saying, "Let's do it," I said I have more respect for her than that. She laughed and asked whether it respect I showed her on vacation? I simply said, "No. That was not respect," and added that I would sleep downstairs. She said, "Fine. I just wanted to make sure you stay out of my bed!" Before I left, I even said "Good night."
To be honest, right now my ears are ringing and for a second I thought about filing a criminal report. I may look into this tomorrow. On the other hand, if withstanding this abuse is what it will take to exorcise the Demons from her--I'll do it. I just need to buy a helmet. (gotta keep my sense of humor)
Lee, I may take your advice and ask my boss if I can do an extended stay in Washington. But for now, I will not be bullied out of my house. I just hope the kids were asleep. Oh, btw, S9 and I had a nice phone convo as if nothing happened last night.
I've got an all day meeting tomorrow and may bag coming home tomorrow night until very late. Some of her anger may be the result of her having all the D/Sep stuff in her hands right now, or perhaps OM is w/OW!! But who knows? Wish me luck.
Hi Merrick, My heart goes out to u regarding this abuse,I went thru almost the same sort of thing twice with my W,it's hard I know,and what did you do to desrve it,my deal wasn't that she "wanted" me though. Gosh it brings back a sad memory of my short and sad marriage. But worse it makes me feel so sad for my W as she has so many issues she seems to not have overcome even with me being gone. I wrote her yesterday about my dog having pups and the response was another one of her silly assumptions. I surely was very happy for her when she had hers,why isn't this returned? But such is how she is,and honestly,she is doing a good job of pushing me away from her,so much for being "friends". Truely sad in my mind to see how it's all about her,she could care less, at least what I see, about what shitty position I am in. As time goes on,I will do for myself what I need to and will rise above all this,and maybe even just not even deal with her any longer. OTO
PS,I thought abiouyt charging her myself for her assult,kinda wish I had now cause it might have woke her up then,and maybe we would still be together,but,maybe not.
If there ever is a guy who needs a huge hug from me (besides seattle!), it is you. I will tell you that you are more of a man than anyone I know, showing such commitment to a M that no other here has shown. I commend you for that. BUT..........
I am about to say something that you probably already know, but no one has said it to you.
You staying in that house is NOT working for you! In fact, it seems to me it is getting worse, and in this last post, it has escalated to a physical encounter, which you don't need.
I have been following your thread and it seems to me, IMHO, that your W is increasing her desire to everything and anything to get you away from her. It is now turned to physical abuse. What is next Merrick?
I REALLY feel for you because I know what the major thing on your mind is and its the kids. Thank God the kids have not seen this (I hope). And they don't need to see this kind of stuff. But it also appears to me that there is no stopping you W, and soon enough there may be a time where your kids do witness it.
I am afraid for you Merrick. Simply put.
But I can not tell you to leave the house. Its your decision and you know this. But I am just offering my opinion that your presence in that house is NOT saving your M. And I don't see how you getting smacked around helps you become a better person.
There is something that I don't understand and maybe you can help me out on this. What is stopping HER from leaving the house? You have had a few threads and may have touched on this, but I don't recall. Is it an alternative to have her decide to leave?
You have been a nice guy through all of this to her. Assuming some similarities between sitchs, I bet this is a 180 for you in some ways. Would it be so bad to stand up for yourself and say to her no more instead of taking the constant abuse, both physical and mental?
And I am not saying to start berating her and giving her a dose of her own medicine (which she deserves IMHO), but defend yourself and tell yourself "No MORE!"
This may be hard for you to do Merrick, but let me ask you and everyone else this:
Merrick, step out of your shoes and look at your sitch. What advice would you give yourself?
Now, all, imagine if this event happened to a woman, where a man was smacking around a woman, would the advice be different?
I am PRAYING for you Merrick!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
I tend to agree with TripleJ, in that your W is crossing a line and is being totally disrespectful.
I know you have a strong stance on not moving out and it sounds like you are sleeping more in seperate accomodations. Can you make this more "permanent"? I'm thinking you can go darker while still living in a same house. Some here have made it work for them ... such as either pretend you're asleep when she comes home or be ready to walk out the door just as she gets in, even if its just a half hour to an hour drive around or to meditate in a church (do churches keep their doors open in the "city that never sleeps"?). Let her settle in and hopefully nod off by the time you come back.
Merrick ... a little while back while I wasn't around here much, you had asked on my thread, if I'd be interested in getting together for an outing. We can take it off the bb, but let me know if you are still interested.
You deserve better than the treatment you are currently getting. I know you have your kids in mind and you want the best for them, but that doesn't mean that you have to take this kind of verbal and physical abuse on a daily basis. DBing can be a wonderful thing, but perhaps you can only take it so far. I have some serious concerns about your wife and her behavior, perhaps the seperation agreement might involve some psychiatric counseling for your wife. I wish you the best.
I tend to agree with trip. I know that i have always been one of the loudest in saying 'stay in the home!', but you should not have to put up with such abuse. As Michele says, 'If what your are doing isn't working, then it's time to do something different'. I think that after all this time it might be in your best interest (and i even think for your kids) that you remove yourself from this deterioating sitch. A short term solution might be, the next time she starts in on you pack an overnight bag and leave, go and stay with a friend or even a motel for the night. Sort of a 180, and its not moving out. You could take this a little further and take enough stuff for a week, popping home to see the kids each day, but leaving as soon as your W gets home or starts anything.
Going dark is not about cutting the person out. It gives tempers a chance to fade, give you some space in your own head, and gives you a break from the drama. It seems from here that the tension and drama level in your house are very high, and i have no doubt that dispite your best efforts the kids will be feeling it and reacting to it. Don't forget, all because your not living full time at home doesn't mean that you abandon your children.
A friend of mine moved out of his home just before his first child was born, his wife and him where having major problems and he was worried about controling his temper, what he might say and how the tension would affect the baby. However, he was at the front door every morning at 9am (always rang the door bell), spent an hour with his child then left for work, returned to the house at 5pm and then spent 2 hour with the child, insisting on spending this time and also looking after the child 2 nights per week in the home so his w could go out.
Something like this may work for you.
You have show compassion, patience and caring, but i think it might be time for a different appoarch, though only you know what is right for you.
Merrick, Merrick, Merrick...To stay or to go. Seems to be the million dollar question you struggle with. As you know I too struggled with this very much. I think you know the answer in my case as to the outcome of my staying. Yours seems to be taking the other direction in that maybe you will be filing the restraining order. I am sorry for you, no one should have to endure this to save their marriage. If you left no one would blame you for it. If you stay will it help? I for one am with the gang here. I think you should consider a way the 2 of you could work something out thaty would help to give her some space. I think its time to let her free to face the reality of her pain. She is so obsessed with the thought that it is you that is causing her misery that she cant see the truth and the pain within herself of her own shortcomings. Maybe, and this is a big maybe if you were gone she could see that she is still miserable and it is not you. The only problem with this is that it will most likely take time for her to see her ways.
No easy solutions, your at a croosroads and I would never tell you to do one of the othetr Merrick. These are the types of decisions that can change yopur life forever and only you can choose. You know your sitch better than us all.
As for the other woman thing, Be careful with how you get your reactions. You dont want to be blatantly out with another woman till all hours of the night. Just be a little mysterious, change your habits some, get some new colougne. And last but not least...YES, get yourself some sexy underware, something you normally wouldnt buy for yourself. Maybe a few new shirts and some socks. Mirror her actions. Do some things you wouldnt usssually do, maybe go hang out at the mall and get some clothing or whatever. I at one time bought some sweaters that were on sale in late January. Good price for year end clearance so I bought like 4 of them. My wife, in her jealousy a few months later, said I take it she likes sweaters? So you see you dont have to look for a reation immediatly, let things stew in them for some time and let their minds play with them much like when you first were suspicious of her withn the OM. She will notice, and you will get a reaction, trust me. God Bless, Eddy
I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it, but Korms is right. It's time to go down another tunnel. Absense may make the heart grow founder.
Here's a seperation agreement you might suggest to WAS. Get an apartment then have you and your wife each alternate weeks in the apartment. This way you both get custody of the kids and can still be seperated. This will simulate a joint custody agreement without moveing the kids every week or so. If she wants to stop by, by all means let her. Don't burden her with rules. See where it takes you. Maybe agree to coming over on Sudays for church and laundry and maybe a family meal. When its her turn you might even work your way up to leaving flowers or some special coffee or somehing.
I suggested this to my wife and she actually backed off a bit. She did consider it though, but we are both just living parallel lives right now. When she starts to get under my skin I just tell her I'm not in the mood for a fight. If she keeps it up I just walk away. Time to create you a bachelor pad down in the basement if you don't move out.
Chill Merrick and work on yourself and your relationship with your children. I only have one kid and can't even imagine the torment you are going through with 3. You are the man!
Good luck, and I hope you take our comments in good spirits.
One more thing..
---Quote
Betsey recently remarked to others that the worst thing you can do is ignore a woman who wants attention. I really want to give W what she needs and will try hard. And DB Coach Laurie says just be her friend.
---End Quote.
Being a friend doesn't mean you have to let your wife step all over you. You can still set boundaries. Tell her you don't want to fight period. Don't tell her any more than that. Let her figure it out. Be her friend by helping her, by being there when she needs you. But one thing she doesn't need, and she probably doesn't realize it, is to fight.
I don't have any wisdom to share that isn't here already. Triple J and Lee and everyone have posted some things here very much worth thinking on.
I too am concerned about the mental state your W is in right now and about how much you can and should deal with, Merrick.
You mentioned a few posts ago, a right vs. expectation to be treated better. It is a right. I can relate somewhat to the things you're writing about Ws behavior. My H went through a period of a couple of months in which he acted somewhat violently and irrationally. He never hit me, just inanimate objects, but I feared for my safety and his.
Here is another thought: What about staying put and asking your W to leave for a while? Only you would know whether this would be wise or feasible for your sitch, of course.
If you confidently and calmly approached her and explained that her behavior isn't acceptable to you and why, and ask her to leave, noting that she is welcome to come back based on whatever behavior change you need.
Again, I am not saying you should do this or anything else, just adding more food for thought to your plate.
I can tell you that I did do this and my H was appalled at first, though he complied. I will also be honest and say I don't know whether it was the best idea for the process of DBing and reconciliation--obviously we aren't together right now.
But I can say it was what needed to happen at that time for my peace of mind and mental health. It stopped a dangerous situation from getting worse, and it changed his awareness of his behavior quite dramatically.
wonder
p.s. I too believe you did the right thing with S9. Someone needs to be the adult model here, and you are doing a very good job of that. Children need that kind of boundary setting.
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