As part of my recent efforts to be a better, more pleasant, more understanding wife I joined a mailing list called "The Generous Wife". I receive daily e-mail tips about things I can do to/for/with my hubby to make him happier and help make our marriage stronger. Most of them are pretty good and things I *can* apply, but today's was a real doozy! I thought you all might appreciate it - LOL:
"Saturday is for LIGHTING UP THE NIGHT SKY. Be the initiator. I know it can be a little rough, but a guy wants to know that he is wanted too. Say or do something to get across your intent. Invite him into the bedroom, tell him you like his stuff, start a make out session on the couch, or just show up at his elbow in the buff. He'll get the idea."
At least I am giggling (rather than fuming) about what H's reaction would be if I were to do any of this. That's progress on my part, right???
It really is annoying to encounter all sorts of references to the stereotype that the man is the one who is always ready for "action". My husband and I were watching an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" that had to do with the "Vagina Monologues" the other night . In this episode,Larry David tells his wife that the reason she always has to initiate sex is that he is always ready to go and needs limits. I had to control the urge to give my LDH a very pointed look.
I've also told myself that I need to stop reading sex manuals that are meant for ND couples. It is just too frustrating.
Here is something to ponder. Following a suggestion from Honeypot I encountered on this board, last night I asked my husband "In an ideal world, how many times a week would you have sex?" He replied that he thought about twice a week was right! I absolutely have no memory of the last time we had sex twice in the same week. I have to assume that either his world is far, far from ideal or else doesn't include me. I wanted to ask some follow up questions but he told me he wasn't in the mood for the discussion because he was watching a program about genocide and the topics didn't exactly mix.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Here is something to ponder. Following a suggestion from Honeypot I encountered on this board, last night I asked my husband "In an ideal world, how many times a week would you have sex?" He replied that he thought about twice a week was right! I absolutely have no memory of the last time we had sex twice in the same week. I have to assume that either his world is far, far from ideal or else doesn't include me.
Wow, that was an interesting dodge on his part - the thing about the genocide program. That's original, at least. One thing the PM book points out very well is how to use apparent inconsistencies in sexual desire as a window into useful and interesting information. Bear with me for a moment.
Your H is LD, right? In your mind, he lacks sexual desire. However, he just indicated to you that in an "ideal" world, he'd be ML twice a week! Yet, you have no memory of any such week. Okay, good enough. How about exploring why? Not from YOUR point of view, but from HIS. By that, what I mean is, I think you need to have a conversation with him where you are pointing out this inconsistency, and challenging him to explain it... to himself if nothing else. In other words, I'm not sure he's really noticed the inconsistency himself. He may be at a loss, initially, to explain it even to himself. But the reasons behind it will probably be interesting to both of you, and may lead in unexpected directions. The key is in being able to trust enough to go with the flow.
Thanks hh. I have subscribed to both of these which seems crazy but I have to monitor the GW messages for a few days to gauge whether W will appreciate receiving them. This looks like fun.
Quote Mojo: “I asked my husband "In an ideal world, how many times a week would you have sex?" He replied that he thought about twice a week was right!” Have you thought that he might have dreamed himself to be HD in his ideal world? SD
I have to monitor the GW messages for a few days to gauge whether W will appreciate receiving them
Geez, I'll put $100 down that she wouldn't appreciate it at all. The one thing I'm learning from counseling and PM and (now) experience is that it's all about us. If you want to subscribe to the Generous Husband to learn how to be a better husband, then that's great. But don't make suggestions to W about it. It only shows that YOU think she's got a problem which is much different than creating an environment where she sees how her own issues are affecting the relationship. She may ask you for help and then you could recommend it, but I (as of 2 weeks ago) would never drop hints, send links etc. Just my 2 cents.
-Dave (who is laughing at himself for sounding like he has a clue)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
