OK, I really screwed up now. I've been married for a long time, no sex in the marriage for many years. We've been slowly working toward more warmth in the marriage - even some touching and cuddling.
I was in Amsterdam on a business trip. In Amsterdam, there is a red light district where they have shopping windows with prostitutes in them wearing only lingerie, and the prostitutes flirt with the passers by. I was smart enough to know I had to avoid the red light district, but I didn't know that there are other parts of Amsterdam like that. Late at night, tired, hungry, and lonely, I gave in to temptation and went in with a prostitute.
What an idiot I am. Now I have to figure out what and how to tell my wife. I tried telling her that I have something emotionally heavy to share with her and wanted help picking the best time, and she said she felt like she had enough emotional barriers to me that bringing up one more emotionally heavy subject might not be a good idea. I agree - but I also don't think I should deceive her about something like this, and keeping silent feels like deception. It especially feels like I should let her know before my wife and I have sex again, not that this is likely any time soon. But letting her know might well postpone the things we are now working on, and put off sex indefinately.
I could really use advice on what, when, and how to share this with my wife. Also, I have no idea what things should be checked medically - we did use a condom, but I don't think that makes it 100% safe, does it? If I have this tested at the doctor's, how confidential will it be? Could the nature of the tests show up in billing records etc?
Well, you goofed. Hmm tuff situation. In the past I would not have said a word to my wife. I would have gotten tested for stuff and kept that secret the grave. I mean 1) the woman would have left me and 2) if not she'd either hold it over my head or worse.... get even.
So today, being older and a bit wiser, you wife will probably figure things out on her own. So, I guess just suck it up and spill the beans and take whats coming to you. She may leave, she may stay. I don't know her. IMHO
Okay - I have a different take on this: Do not tell your wife. You are remorseful, you understand what led you to this, you don't plan to ever let it happen again - that's enough for me. It will cause your wife untold pain if you tell her, and may keep you from ever having a good R again with her.
As for the doctor - how would your wife see the doctor bills? If that is likely to happen, you could go somewhere else and pay for the tests out of pocket. HIV testing of course is the big one, and can take three months to turn positive.
Also - you need to ask yourself some hard questions about why this happened. How did your marriage devolve into a sexless one? What are you resenting your wife for? Why would you sabotage your R with your W just as it is starting to improve?Read the Five Love Languages by Chapman and start speaking your wife's love languages to improve your R. Ellie
Quote: So today, being older and a bit wiser, you wife will probably figure things out on her own. So, I guess just suck it up and spill the beans and take whats coming to you. She may leave, she may stay. I don't know her.
I'm not convinced that she would have figured it out on her own, but I am convinced that I can't keep a secret like that from her without building the kind of wall that I don't want in our relationship.
Quote: So, I guess just suck it up and spill the beans and take whats coming to you. She may leave, she may stay. I don't know her.
Quote: Do not tell your wife. You are remorseful, you understand what led you to this, you don't plan to ever let it happen again - that's enough for me. It will cause your wife untold pain if you tell her, and may keep you from ever having a good R again with her.
This makes a lot of sense. But it's not what I did - I spent most of two days writing and rewriting a letter to her, making it plain that I was still committed to her, the marriage, monogamy, etc., that I had screwed up, that I wanted her forgiveness, that I didn't need a response right away, that I was willing to move out or whatever if she needed me to...
And she basically responded by comforting me and hugging me. I guess she's known that we haven't had sex for many years, and she's been suspecting all along that something like this might happen. She even said, "you're human". So it's out in the open, and we're still firmly married, and I'm still sleeping in the same bed with her. Which is all I could have asked for.
Quote: As for the doctor - how would your wife see the doctor bills? If that is likely to happen, you could go somewhere else and pay for the tests out of pocket.
Our insurance has this annoying habit of paying for part of the bill but not all of it, so we get bills for the remainder in the mail.
Quote: HIV testing of course is the big one, and can take three months to turn positive.
Wow. Three months? Does that mean it's not safe to have sex for three months? Not that it's terribly likely, but if she were to become open it would be nice to take advantage...
Quote: How did your marriage devolve into a sexless one? What are you resenting your wife for?
We're working on the first question with yet another counselor, but this counselor does seem to be working out a lot better. I'm HD, and it's not sexless because of my initiative.
Resenting my wife? I'm angry and frustrated about the sexlessness, I guess, but I don't think I resent her. What gave that impression?
Quote: Why would you sabotage your R with your W just as it is starting to improve?
Breathe in ... breathe out ... breathe in ... breathe out ... breathe in ... breathe out ...
OK, I deserve that. And frankly, I don't have a good answer, except that the level of temptation I found in Amsterdam is beyond anything I had faced before. The women are in storefront windows, dressed like Victoria's Secret dummies, and they flirt with you. And this was not even in the red light district - I had decided to stay well away from the red light district because I know my temptations. I left a restaurant, took a wrong turn, and found myself a little over my head...
It does not excuse what I did, but I don't think that screwing up at this particular time really means I was trying to sabotage things.
Quote: Read the Five Love Languages by Chapman and start speaking your wife's love languages to improve your R.
I read it on the plane coming home, and I do think this is very likely to be helpful. I try hard to love my wife, but most of that effort is being expressed in the wrong languages.
I would not tell your W. It isn't an on going affair and you have vowed not to let it happen again. What good would it cause to make her feel like cr*p?
Why are you thinking of telling her? Is it to make yourself feel less guilty?
If you tell her, you risk losing your marriage. Is it worth it?
I think you should keep quiet and resolve not to let it happen again. Confess to a shrink or a member of the clergy if you need to tell someone. Don't lay it on your wife.
Three women responded. NONE of them thought I should fess up.
I'm a guy. I agreed with the other guy. Is this really something that falls out along gender lines? Can anyone explain this a little more? Is it that women feel they would be so shattered by it that they would rather not know?
I like to know what the facts are. If my wife cheated on me, I would want to know.
