Quote: 1. Showing him in some grand way that I do want a future with him (this being based on his issues with our previous R and the results I'd gotten from pursuit and throwing all my emotions out there -- in a good healthy way, not the other way).
2. Continue living my own life and letting him wonder what I am up to. Letting him do whatever he's going to do without any opinion, input or interference from me.
I think we all vascillate between these two... for me I try to do #2... mainly because I can control how I feel, what I do, have goals, etc. #1 depends solely on his response, which hasn't been too dependable.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, Wonder, I'm in your boat, darling. And it's a mighty odd place to be. I wasn't going to post my letter to Mr. Wonderful, but I think I might have to put it here for you to see what you can use and what you can't. Mine is done, but please feel free to plagiarize anything that you might find useful. Here goes:
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I've been trying to figure a way to ask you if you are ready to make a decision in regards to our marriage. No matter what, the questions came out wrong--either sounding too angry or demanding or too vague. I didn't want to convey any emotion, so I opted not to ask at all.
However, it has now passed the 16-month mark since you moved out. I'm really ready for whatever direction you are prepared to head. I wish you could truly understand that I mean it with sincerity and kindness.
No matter what decision you feel is best for you, for me and for our family, I will respect it and leave you be.
I know you are aware of my wishes. I feel content ~ knowing that we have both changed. I was able to use this time to work on things that were not good for me, you or our relationship. I really should be thanking you for that gift ~ as I doubt very seriously I would have considered the severity of your issues with me prior.
That being said, we truly are different people today. I believe with some effort and honesty, that we could begin a new marriage that could be astounding. With the conversation we had a few weeks ago regarding the tax refund, I really realized that our former marriage is dead. And I know now why people told me that was absolutely necessary.
That death does not mean the absence of one another, regardless of the status of our marriage. It just means, at least to me, that the way we used to interact with each other, the presence of anger, disappointment and resentment, and the lack of respect we demonstrated toward each other is no longer valid.
I'm absolutely amazed at that.
While I believe what is in my heart is true for me, I also realize I cannot and should not assume you feel the same. I think it might help, though, if you would take a few minutes and utilize some of your hidden skills in literary prose. That is, you write. Here goes:
1. Please write us an ending ~ that is, what it looks like in your eyes to end our previous relationship with each other.
2. Please write us a beginning ~ that is, what it looks like for us from here on out.
3. How do you feel we should proceed with that new beginning?
I realize that there is no right or wrong answer. But I believe in you. I believe that what is in your heart is what is best for us.
Either way, I'm excited to hear your answer. It will give my life some much needed closure and direction. I deserve both of them and so do you. To quote our dear Rafiki: It is time.
Thanks,
Bets
******************************************
This is the letter that I left for him earlier today. I included input from our MC and from my heart. And I'm feeling good about myself. I was honest, speaking from my heart without invoking guilt, but requesting something from him in a non-threatening manner.
If he chooses to divorce me, it won't matter much to me right now. I'm already living a separate life that brings me joy and fulfillment. I'm satisfied with the blessings that God has bestowed upon me.
I would like a shot to turn things around with him, but if he chooses otherwise, I've proven to myself that I can do this successfully. I think that you guys would call this full detachment. I'm at the point where I really would like an answer--either way. Is he going to be my lover and friend, or are we going to be friendly coparents to our girls? His decision.
I hope you can find something here for yourself as well.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Awesome. Absolutely awesome letter. I am getting to this point in my heart, but never would have had the clarity of thought or turn of phrase to write such an unconditionally loving, yet totally self-assured letter.
You call him Mr. Wonderful (sarcastically, I assume) - may I call you Ms. Wonderful (sincerely)?
Oh, no, Ohboy! I don't aim to make men cry! But some tears of emotion are usually appropriate, and I would be remiss and dishonest if I didn't tell you that the ink on my letter was a little smudged from the few that dropped on them as I wrote.
Uh, Mr. Wonderful is sort of a blend between the name that my family members and friends gave him when he was a really great husband (they would tell me how lucky I was to be married to Mr. Wonderful) and that annoying little doll that spews out empty flattery, much like the empty words he thought I wanted to hear (but didn't mean them).
Of course you may call me that... but the fact is I'm just plain Betsey like everyone else here. I put myself in the position of being the recipient and asked what I would like to know and how I would appreciate the message. It was that simple.
And believe me, it took a month of pondering and working out the words in my head to get here. I won't tell you about the 2 previous venting versions of asking for the same information....
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Holdingon, THANK GOODNESS it is not just me. Thank you for saying that.
I think even if I were to do #1... it doesn't depend on his reaction...that's not within my control. It's more about whether I feel I'm doing the right thing by my current path of letting it lie.
Your generosity in posting your letter just astounds me. I don't know how to say thanks for that. Just thanks, I guess. It is an amazing letter.
I have written a similar type of letter (more than one, actually) to my H. His response was to shortly afterward tell me that he wanted to "come home", to start that, to run away.
He's since (and suddenly) decided to proceed with a divorce, and has since that time had extremely limited contact with me and had no reasons to share with me for his choice or the limited contact.
So I guess I am not waiting for him to make a decision anymore, just hoping that he reverses this one given how we have spent the past year or given the feelings that he has shared with me or the intimacy we've shared.
Reading your beautifully written letter made me wonder-- have I already done what I was thinking about doing, this #1 option?
Or does it need to be more than a letter for us (because letters are more of what I do).
As much as I am sure this post sounds otherwise, I too have accepted that divorcing me may be the decision he is most comfortable with making and the path he truly wants to take in life (though it doesn't seem that way from how he acts).
I'm happy with the life I have created on my own, though, like you, I'd like another shot at this, or rather would like to work with the one shot he keeps starting to give us.
Ah well. Perhaps this ball really isn't in my court any longer.
Quote: The way I see it, while I wait out the time between filing and finality, I am fluctuating between:
1. Showing him in some grand way that I do want a future with him (this being based on his issues with our previous R and the results I'd gotten from pursuit and throwing all my emotions out there -- in a good healthy way, not the other way).
2. Continue living my own life and letting him wonder what I am up to. Letting him do whatever he's going to do without any opinion, input or interference from me.
Hi Wonder. When I read this I didn't see it as a "ork in the road" decision but rather a Plan A (or #1) & a Plan B (#2) in that order. In order to be effective tho, both plans can't be in play at the same time or jump back and forth between them. Plan A must be throughly explored ... all options under the plan exhausted before moving onto Plan B. Once you move forward with Plan B, it won't work to go back to Plan A again. That's why going totally "dark" is considered the LRT. Atho, IMO, the ultmatium qualifies to be the LRT only to be offered when you can truely accept living with the consequence of their decision that they are being press to make in their current state of mind. (... and BTW it sounds like Betsy is there).
Well, I babbled on again, but basically Wonder I don't see it as an either/or, but a steady progression of a course of action to follow. In that case, the question becomes have you executed all options you know of in Plan A and let it play out to the point in time where you know that's as far as H is willing to take the R.
This is the point I'm contemplating whether I am at or not? I feel I have exhausted all options available to me in Plan A and now wondering if given any more time if she will ever change her perspective? Once at the point where you are convinced that the outcome won't be altered in a more positive result, then its time to consider Plan B and you are one step closer to knowing you are doing everything possible to giving you the best possible outcome.
Wonder ~ You have gotten some excellent advice here!
One of goals when I knew the D would go through, was to walk away with my head held high, knowing that I had tried all I could to save the M.
I am happy to say I have achieved that goal ~ but you know that from your visits to me! A friend told me today that I have handled everything (even my recent news..... ) like a "lady". That was a great compliment for me!
What will make you walk away (if you need to...) with your head held high knwoing you have tried your best?? Think about that then put your plan into motion!
Part of my plan was to write him a letter "setting him free" and he thanked me for it. He also reassured me that he will keep the letter and read it often. Would this work for your H??
Once you do some soul seaching, Wonder, you will know what is best for you and then we will all help you refine and execute your plan!!!
(((((Wonder)))))
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Great stuff here! You all made incredibly valid points.
I have to say I think KAW nailed it--the 2 options ARE mutually exclusive. Sort of like 2 doors on Let's Make a Deal... you can only open one at any given time.
I sense that you're not entirely ready to put option 2 out there. My golden rule of thumb was that it wasn't enough to consider it... I had to believe it, and I had to allow myself to feel that 100% of the time.
Nobody seems to be in a rush in your sitch, so why make it one? There is nothing wrong with hanging out in limbo if you feel better about yourself. I don't say that in a condescending vein, because I think limbo offers a lot--especially hope.
We are all unique. And although we may have been on the road together for a long time, we aren't all headed to the same destination. Some of us are destined for a side trip or two. Some of us find ourselves backtracking. Some of us find ourselves back at the beginning ( ) and others find ourselves arriving at destinations we had not planned on visiting.
I only offered my letter here to give you something to think about--not suggest you do it. I was ready. I really want to know what I'm doing, where I'm going and who's going with me. My girls' lives have been disrupted, and D10 is confused by the limbo. I might have to put her into C for a few sessions again before too long.
I recognize that we all have to do things in our own timeframe. My time has come. I sense that yours has not.
Whatever it is that you're contemplating, I hope you find peace during a very agitating process. I felt like I was in a plane experiencing turbulence before landing. I wasn't quite sure how it would play out. I'm still not sure what gate my plane will be parked, but I DO know it's going to land safely. I'm a great pilot and I have some terrific friends up in the tower... and so do you.
Peace, Wonder.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi all! I think Wonder's hormone-driven emotional storm is finally blowing over. Thanks for weathering with me.
KAW, that is pretty insightful. Thank you. I think you're right about the progression. I feel I went through it and circled back and find myself at the same doors. Does that make any sense?
Betsey, oh I didn't think you were suggesting my path with your letter. But reading it made me see that I HAD done that letter, had also had that conversation in person. I had let it all pass, got my answer, made peace with it and lo and behold, then he came back. He has asked me for a lot and I have given him all of that.
So, I WAS there once... I really had let it all go. And then we started to R, and now I am maybe finding myself there again. Only now I find myself having much less respect for the way he is walking his path, and that is making the idea of being friends hard to contemplate.
I'm not bitter or angry and I want the man to be happy. But I think I am still partly reeling from the birthday present D papers... esp. since they came to me as a surprise and after we'd even moved back into physical intimacy-- something v. important and meaningful to me and to my H.
Snooderly had a post recently in the MLC forum about projecting unhappiness and being a teenager, and frankly that is exactly what I see right now. I think the questioning I've been doing is more about me trying to fix things than it is really questioning whether I have done the right things. I know that I have not been perfect, but I also know I've done a whole lot more right than wrong in this process. And I can feel good about that.
Sun, you can hold your head up very high! Honestly, I too DO feel I have done all I could do to save my marriage. I feel my H has had every opportunity known to man and that I have been generous and kind, compassionate and loving. I've also set some clear and healthy boundaries, though at first I set them out of self defense-- later I set them more maturely.
I can look myself in the mirror and know I have followed my values this far and that if I keep on following them they will bring me to a place of fulfillment as well as happiness. Right now I have one without feeling the other.
I'm not willing to accept less than I deserve. In fact, I've been pretty vocal about that all along, though I've given him more room than I'd give most people.
There are dealbreakers for me, even with the friendship. Perhaps I might sit him down and tell him how I am feeling. There might be a few places where we have not covered that ground, but I'm not sure the effort is well-placed right now. Guess that is what I am contemplating.
I don't think it's about setting him free-- the pressure to make decisions hasn't come from me in well over a year. I may do all this here on the board, but I have not pressured my H in any way to make decisions in a very long time. That pressure is within him and with other people (his family, for one). I also haven't led him. I've left him free to make his own choices. I don't believe much in the "meant to be" stuff... but I do believe in free will.
If and when I do chat with him about this remains "out there". You're right, Bets, there's no reason I have to do it anytime soon.
Betsey 
A friend told me today that I have handled everything (even my recent news..... 
) like a "lady". That was a great compliment for me!
) and others find ourselves arriving at destinations we had not planned on visiting.