Hi all. I haven't been around lately...used Spring Break as my excuse last week, but this week it's just me and the baby again and I'm still not online. Today I am just a depressed mess. LDH started reading SSM a couple of weeks ago and had some "a-ha" moments (so he said). Encouraged me to initiate which I did try to do once - I even tried in the morning (his optimum time). His reply was to tell me how tired he was and how he didn't get enough sleep and how sex was the last thing on his mind and he didn't think he could possibly get a hard-on but "because I know it's important to you, honey" he would give it his best shot. Then as I tried to get him in the mood he just kept making jokes and small talk and he!! *I* was out of the mood by then. Luckily it was time to get the kids up so I had an excuse to stop my efforts. Later he told me how proud he was of himself because he had not rejected my advances. Hmmm...didn't really seem that way from my perspective. You can reject with words, not just actions.
Sigh.
That was about 10 days ago and since then he hasn't picked up the book (neither have I) and we haven't even mentioned the "S" word. Now he's reading a book about water gardening and I'm reading "Da Vinci Code" - LOL.
I felt like we BOTH made some minor progress, but now we're back to "let's not talk about it and maybe it will go away" mode. Last night I was in the mood (he looked so sexy in his new Cub Scout leader uniform!) but I knew not to even try since his favorite show was on. It's always something.
Today I'm just plain depressed. Things have been so stressful for us lately - financial mostly - and I would just love to have that loving sexual connection I crave with him. Yet I feel like the planets have to be aligned "just so" for me to even make a move. And even then he will have some reason for not possibly being able to even think about considering even the unlikely thought of pondering making the slightest effort to be in the mood.
Then I remembered, hey, there ARE people who understand what you're going through! And here you all are. And I've missed you.
I know what it's like to walk in those blue shoes of yours. If your husband is anything like mine, the fact that you're having financial problems is probably making him want sex even less than usual. It seems like stress makes HD people want sex more just to feel like something is going right in their world, while it makes LD people want it less. I feel like much of the time it's as though I'm playing a marital version of that arcade game where you have to punch down all the gophers. The gophers are all the things that might stress or turn off my LDH and I don't get to have sex until every last gopher is gone.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I feel like much of the time it's as though I'm playing a marital version of that arcade game where you have to punch down all the gophers. The gophers are all the things that might stress or turn off my LDH and I don't get to have sex until every last gopher is gone.
Sorry about your sitch. But I'm not sure that I buy into the finances being the cause for your LDH's behavior. I know they cause a lot of stress for both of you, but we've never had any serious financial problems and it never made any difference.
I've heard every excuse under the sun. So many that it makes me not care (for a little while anyway). I guess every SSHD can relate to that.
I guess what I'm saying is that if it wasn't the finances, it would probably be something else. And what makes it worse is that your H starts reading something that would really help you both (SSM) but doesn't see it's importance or care enough to keep going. I have the same thing.
Sorry for you. Sorry for me. Sorry there has to be a SSM community.
Quote: I guess what I'm saying is that if it wasn't the finances, it would probably be something else. And what makes it worse is that your H starts reading something that would really help you both (SSM) but doesn't see it's importance or care enough to keep going. I have the same thing.
Oh don't worry, I don't think it's about the finances. I'm not sure WHAT it is. I could give you his list of excuses...but you've probably heard most of them before. He's too tired, his back hurts, his shoulder hurts, we just did it last week, the kids might hear us, the sun has gone down, his favorite show is on, don't I ever think of anything else, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.
Ya, I'm sorry we have to have this forum, too! But glad it's here.
You mentioned you are on church staff - there is a Mike on our church staff and I keep wondering if you are him. Highly unlikely, of course, but I will probably give him a raised eyebrow next time I see him so if it's you, wink back.
HH...first off...glad you're back. Was getting worried that either all was good or all was bad.
Sounds like H's opinion that all was OK after showing some positive signs a few weeks was only a momentary thing. Don't give up hope....just yet anyway.
This is a passive aggressive thing I did in the past. I knew my WAW was upset so I'd give it an effort for HER...but the problem was that I wasn't doing anything for ME. That never lasts...no matter how much love is involved.
Think about the things that did get him going...and go back to those things. The key thing is patience...patience...patience. This problem didn't start in just a day and it won't be fixed in one either.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Hey DBR! Good to see you. I wish I could say my absence was because I have been having too much sex with H and didn't have time to get to the computer. Alas, you're right, I must be patient.
How are things with you? Are you still taking that new job out-of-state?
