My friend, your W certainly has been through the ringer with her health. I feel for her. But I have been overweight in my lifetime (lost 70 pounds 8 years ago, kept it off) and I think that this is most probably the source of her unhappiness and her reluctance to become a sexual person. She doesn't feel good about herself and it seems that she isn't willing to work at the problem either. Personally, when I don't feel attractive, I do not want to be intimate. I guess I don't understand why a woman at the young age of 38 does not elect to get reconstructive surgery for her breasts. This is of course a very personal choice for a woman, but she is so young and hopefully has a full, long life ahead of her. I don't know what the answer is, but it is difficult for both of you. Perhaps she needs counseling, perhaps she needs to see a doctor. And to be honest, with her history of cancer, being obese is not going to help matters; her chances of recurrence and diabetes is greatly enhanced. You are both young, and I wish you luck. I understand how you feel, but the answer will have to come within her; can you suggest professional help at this point?
AtlDave -- my first reaction when you suggested that an HD could be made LD by being approached by a more HD was to say, "yeah, right", but I forced myself to consider the possibility. I could see where with my wounded emotions right now that could definitely happen. My thought processes, emotional processes, and even spirituality are warped from years of this. But if LONG TERM the HD is frustrated with an LD and then when faced with an HD becomes LD, doesn't this say they really fear intimacy? And I don't think that is really me. Pretty mind-bending. Call me one-sided, but I have come full circle -- thought it was LD's prob, then tried to make it mine so I wouldn't hate her, now am back to it really is her.
2X -- I think hairdog was a bit one-sided. I can see his point, but if you were making $60k for a period of time, you're not exactly lazy, just gave up. I have known a number of women who really were better being the bread-winner. It is hard to make it work, but requires the same basic qualities in reverse -- the money making partner must truly VALUE and express that VALUE to the domestic partner. To be fair, if you are not working, you should be doing the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and should give some unwind time to your hard-working wife and you need to have a very frank talk to see if she can really live life this role-reversed. I know 1 who does it and has for years and it works for them.
Lettie -- thanks for your post. Can I say I almost cried. Tried for 10 years to get W to talk to someone anyone. Can't be a pastor -- couldn't go to church with someone who knew her "dirt", can't be a stranger 'cause it's embarrassing -- basically I finally realized it was really "don't care enough". Have begged Drs in my state to talk frank with her. I live in one of the most unhealthy states in the country and apparently they think anything short of 350 lb is okay by them. Honestly with all the Drs we see, there has been one do a bit of "nagging" but not write a scrip for anything to boost metabolism, talk about a heavily monitored diet. Baryatric is probably out of the question with everything else -- too many risks.
Breast reconstruction is another story. Sadly, being a total breast man, I did and do have to agree with the decision -- it was as much mine as hers. We consulted, saw pictures, and talked to several who had. Let's just say if you have not looked at it for reconstruction you may have the idea I did going in -- must be easy, look at all the starlets getting enhancements, looks good. HA! The reality is > 50% of the time the muscle or fat doesn't "take" (turns black and has to be cut off). Requires 4 surgeries and the sacs will leak (never last more than 10 years). Even at its peak, it looks nothing like a real breast. More like ugly bumps that will hold up a bra -- and this is the success pictures they show so you can imagine the failures. Honestly, the fake ones she has (Amoena) use memory foam and are VERY realistic.
If she could only realize it is all about attitude -- make the best of what you have -- I'm not expecting a movie star, but 130 lb would be great. Act sexy. Act interested. Find things that DO turn you on even it is not breasts. Be appreciative. If she only knew how much I really do care given all the negatives I deal with to hang in there.
Now I'm full circle. AtlDave may be right. The HD who connects with an LD may really be a masochist who will find a way to be opposite of whatever they have. Sigh.
Thanks all. I have good friends where I live but there is something different about people who "get it" without a lot of explanation and the freedom to commiserate without them needing to cheer you up. It is enough to be understood sometimes.
AtlDave -- I loved your tag line about living in fear. Mine's not nearly as pithy, but I have always visualized my marriage as "Death by mosquito-bite". No huge wounds, but a slow draining that is fatal nonetheless.
if she experiences no pain, and can reach O, then you must figure out what is holding her back. She probably is not aware of it herself.
Could be a combination of things, poor self image, guilt, etc., etc.
Is it possible to get your bedroom pitch black so you can't see anything? This might overcome the low self image. Guilt can sometimes be overcome with a blindfold and restraints.
Convince her and yourself that you have become an ass-man, rub oil all over her ass and slowly include direct and indirect clitoral stimulation. The whole time talking about how much you like her sexy ass. Use both hands in various positions, sometimes holding lips wide apart for better access to the clit, and sometimes one hand hitting the g-spot while other hand is attending to the clit, or light spanking.
