Okay, folks - Got locked out of my thread sometimes yesterday or over the weekend, so I need to start a new one.
This one begins in an odd sort of limbo. H and I are staying in the same place, mostly getting along well, occasionally having some conflicts. Mostly until last night we were really happy and loving.
Then came last night. I was asleep when we got home, and he woke me in an kind of way, and I had been dreaming. Ladies and gentleman, I SAID SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME. He almost got up and left right then and there, but he ended up staying. We did sleep together, and all that, but I think I just sealed the death warrant of our marriage because I was half asleep and dreaming. (NOT about anything scandalous - a friend of his was an Airport TSA agent in my dream, and it was his name I said). It hurt my H deeply.
He and I are supposed to go to the movies tonight - do I try to talk about this again? Do I just not mention it? I told him today that S and I will be leaving for my apt and will be there Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights, but we'll come back to the house on Sunday to be with him. We have tonight without our S - he's going to my mom's house.
What is the best way to let a man get over something hurtful like this? I am terrified that it could be a deal-breaker. Everyone was grouchy and upset when we woke up this morning, and I am pretty scared about how much damage I may have done.
Input and advice, as always, are welcome. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Yes, letting out a name other than your H's may seem pretty hurtful to him, I know it would take me by surprise.
But knowing you, I am pretty sure that you apologized enough times to him and told him the dream that he understood why the name came out.
Unfortunately, you had no control over this. You were sleeping and incoherent when you awoke.
Now, with all this together, you apologizing, you telling him the dream, your incoherentness when just awaking, and the fact that he STAYED, I would tend to believe that he believed you and has forgiven you.
So, with this said, it is my opinion for you to let it lie. Don't say another word about it. Act as if it never happened.
Because if YOU keep bringing it up, it is YOU who keeps this event on his mind.
Hugs to ya!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Wow!! I did that once, in the heat of an arguement with a guy I was casually dating. It didn't go over well. I have no idea what you can do. Put your thinking cap on everybody! Lyrael needs some input here!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Myrrh, I agree w/Triple J-if that's what you did, let it lie. The other night my h dreamt about a band concert then topless women at a wedding. I dreamt that I cheated on him with a FEMALE. Do those mean anything??? I think not b/c I really don't want to be w/a girl...dreams just happen, and we talk in our sleep, etc...
Hopefully, your h believes you and can understand that!
Quote: I think I just sealed the death warrant of our marriage because I was half asleep and dreaming.
Well, did Dustin seal the warrant by actually having an affair?
We know the answer to that question, so let's move along.
I think it's awfully unfortunate that he personalized something that wasn't reality. The fact is, your subconscious mind is NOT reality, nor anywhere close to it. (BTW, I had a dream that I jumped in the sack with Mr. Wonderful's best friend from childhood... where did that come from? Will it ever be true? NEVER.)
If you bring this up again, it's going to give the matter more weight than it deserves. I have to tell you that I'm going to actually point a finger at Dustin for waking you up in the middle of a sound sleep. You didn't hurt him, Myrrh. He felt hurt because he CHOSE to interpret something as reality.
Does this make sense?
I wouldn't give this another passing thought. Unless HE brings it up, and then I'd definitely mention, "Sweetie, I dream about a lot of things. It's like living a book. If I'm asleep, I would appreciate it if you would allow me to continue sleeping--unless I tell you in advance to wake me up."
And if you reiterate the point that you get up early to take care of Rhane and have to get to your daytime job, and that you are a very busy lady with a lot of responsibilities and need sleep to think clearly, he just might get it that you are not ignoring him. You have different life schedules.
Maybe you could sit down at the beginning of the week with a calendar and pencil in times to spend together (including the nights where you want to ).
Just my 2 cents worth.
Big hugs!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You've gotten some really good advice here. I would tend to agree with a lot of it.
I would say if you HAVEN'T ALREADY clarified everything to him once then do it, if you have already clarified it, then no use in revisiting it, that only brings up more of those feelings you don't want to dwell on. TRUST HIM that he has eyes and ears and has heard what you have said once, no need in repeating it. That only looks like you are defending somthing, you don't have any reason to be defensive do you?
hey Myrrh, just checking in on folks around here and saw your post....I'd say I have to agree with the others, if you've clarified what it was about/caused by, I'd drop it and let it go. It does give more weight to it if you keep bringing it up....remember, "what you focus on expands"
Sometimes I wonder if their (Hs') guilt over their A's causes them to fear that we'll do the same and project some of that onto us. I think it was a week ago that my H mentioned thinking I've been having an A!!!!!!!!?????????What the???????It really blew me away because the thought never even entered my mind. I assured him at the time I hadnt, debated what to do about it, let it drop, and havent heard another word....I think if I'd kept defending myself, it would have added fuel to his fire. just MO...
Thanks, everyone for the prompt and thoughtful replies. They have really given me some things to consider.
TJ- My tendency to obsess and beat a subject to death has been a big problem in the past. So I think not bringing it up is an excellent idea, and yet another opportunity for a 180. Also it's kind of a "let's not rub salt in the wound" kind of strategy.
Pattie- I don't think it's ever happened to me except in very, very sleepy situations. Once when H and I were first dating I believe I called him by an ex-guy's name, but he didn't say anything about it until months later. I was clueless as well, but I am still glad to see your smiling face!
Karen- That is absolutely true - he tells me about weird dreams he has all the time. And I woke up last night after having a nightmare involving him, and being very surprised that he was laying next to me. I dream about exes, making out with women, etc - my dreams are very wild - it is kind of ironic that this one wasn't even one of those.
I think he does believe me - we are still on for the movies tonight, and that's a good sign.
Bets- Thanks for the slightly different perspective. I felt a little frightened when I woke up suddenly like that, although I had asked him to wake me up last night. Even if it had been a dream like that, it wasn't anything that would ever happen. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would never cheat on my H - part of the recent conclusions I've come to. I hope he knows that, too.
Seattle - I think I clarified everything fairly well, once the initial shock wore off. I think he understood everything I said, and he even joked about it later. I think I just need to let it go, for now.
Deb- I think you could be right. I believe he has had some questions in his own mind lately about the strength of my commitment to him (not that he has really made any sort of overt commitment to me, mind you).
My conclusions after much thought: 1) This incident, while embarassing and awkward for both of us, may not have been a deal breaker. 2) Just not bringing it up is a good idea. 3) Asking him to ease into waking me up a bit more (i.e. saying my name at least once) might be a good topic for discussion.
That's what I've come up with. Anyway, tonight it will be just him and I, and then S and I will be spending Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights at the apt, and coming back Sunday evening. It will be kind of crappy, but if I can do it with a minimum of drama and emotion, I think it may be a good thing for both of us. I think he will miss S and I very much.
He is being so sweet, tender, and loving lately, and I would hate for that to end (but you know I'll deal with it if it does ). Thanks again, all of you, for the great help. I have a party to attend tonight , and then movies with H, so I will let you know how all that goes! Hugs Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I was just reading the lastest posts here. It reminded me of a dream I had on the last trip H and were on. I had this really wild dream that we had an elephant. It was an elephant that we owned. It was real, lived in our house (not a house I've ever seen), but it didn't look like a real elephant. It looked more like a cartoon one. Our problem? How to get it moved out. Of course I don't know where this came from!!! Maybe some Freudian thing?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
kind of way, and I had been dreaming. Ladies and gentleman, I SAID SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME. He almost got up and left right then and there, but he ended up staying. We did sleep together, and all that, but I think I just sealed the death warrant of our marriage because I was half asleep and dreaming. (NOT about anything scandalous - a friend of his was an Airport TSA agent in my dream, and it was his name I said). It hurt my H deeply. 
).
Hugs 
