I think I have come really far in accepting my H flaws and all at this point compared to a year ago, compared to the whole time I've know him!
I think I did a little bit of this (taking things personal) on Sunday at first and then I was able to gain my composure and validate HIM. When he came out and said he didn't love me, that to hug me didn't feel right, I didn't take it personal. BECAUSE I know feelings can change. Once we got past the initial blow up, it did get easier the more he talked to not take it personally.
The one thing I regret is immediately telling our S that his daddy was leaving. I did this one other time, but that was when H TOLD me he was moving all of his stuff out on the weekend and stormed out of the house.
I do need to shield our S from future discussios like the one on Sunday. H did not want it to happen in front of him, but I don't think H thought that the discussion would go as far as it did.
Lostgirl at MLC posted this and I wanted to bring it over here to share. It is so insightful, so what I needed to read.
As for my patience and restraint--it comes from the Lord--NOT me. If I solely relied on myself to deal with all this, I would have failed miserably. So all the glory goes to Him. That is who I am working for to restore this marriage--not me or my H, just Him. This has never been about me or what I want--it is what the Lord wants. I just follow His guidance.
I now know why I am working on restoring my marriage, why I must continue on my journey. I'm not doing it for me, otherwise I would have given up long ago. He is giving me the strenth to continue to get back up when I fall, when I think all has been lost, when I want to give up...as long as I listen to the Lord I cannot lose.
I'm sorry to read the turn of events over the past couple of days. Your h may or may not move out, it all depends upon the wave of pressure he feels. Be ready for him to be as high as a kite one minute and as angry as anything the next.
I read where your h says he has no childhood issues. Please don't bring up anything regarding that topic because he will deny any problems and he doesn't really know what his issues are because they are just now bubbling to the surface and when he faces those issues and resolves them comes way further down the line. Also, even though you believe he's been in replay about a year, you can't put a timeline on replay. It could last a year or it could last 3, depending upon how and when he begins to resolve his issues.
I recommend you check out some of the books on men and depression listed on the recommended reading material thread on mlc. On the first page or 2 there are titles for 3 of the best books. If you can't read all the books, try to read these. Many of your questions will be answered there. Most importantly, try not to ask him about his decision to stay or go, let it be decided by him on his own.
Thinking of you! This is just another learning opportunity. Many obstacles have been in your way. You see the whole path and are staying on course! That's just what God wants you to do!!!
I guess MLC isn't something that should have any timeline should it...each person is different. I know there are different stages and that each person navigates these stages differently.
And for my H not having any childhood issues...yah I know better than to believe him when he says he doesn't have any! H has huge childhood issues, but I will not bring them up nor point them out.
I have looked at my childhood issues and learned from them. It was hard to look back at some of the things I had done, the shame I felt, but that shame, that pain is gone. My past is history, there is nothing I can do to change anything and I accept it as part of me.
My H will have to make the decision as to whether he's staying or going on his own, I will not ask or bring it up.
Just finally catching up on you and all you are doing...giving it totally to Him.
Quote: As for my patience and restraint--it comes from the Lord--NOT me. If I solely relied on myself to deal with all this, I would have failed miserably. So all the glory goes to Him. That is who I am working for to restore this marriage--not me or my H, just Him. This has never been about me or what I want--it is what the Lord wants. I just follow His guidance
This is really powerful It was something I needed to read and understand better myself. Thanks for sharing it!
Quote: I now know why I am working on restoring my marriage, why I must continue on my journey. I'm not doing it for me, otherwise I would have given up long ago. He is giving me the strenth to continue to get back up when I fall, when I think all has been lost, when I want to give up...as long as I listen to the Lord I cannot lose.
Everything makes sense now.
This is even more significant....you are totally "Getting It"....giving it to God....He is taking care of you and your family....He knows and is working within you. Let Him.
Yes I am slowly getting it, it's trying to sink in and it's a learning process, something that will come with time. My expectations need to be in the Lord. Once I understand what that means, well I know what it means, but when you're used to looking to your S to meet your needs AND thought it was something that you were supposed to do as well as "expecting" certain things from your S...well it's really a whole new way of life. I'll get there though, it's just not coming through too fast.
This morning I opened myself up completely to my S, up until today there was something shutting off part of ME from my S. But I opened my soul to him and looked at my S as a little person with a soul and a heart--it was a connection. I've been too busy focussing on H and have been ever since this all started last year. What do I say, how do I act, detach..and all that stuff focussing on H. Maybe it's that I feel I have that down now, somewhat...that I can now look at my S and raise him as best as I can.
Otherwise not much is happening on the homefront. H got home last night from turkey hunting about 4:30. My nephew's birthday was yesterday, so S and I went out to eat with my sis's family. Invited H, he didn't want to go. Had a great time at dinner, came home and H was here. S and I went in the backyard and hit golfballs. Came in, H was in the shower, S jumped in. H went to bed without saying good night. I didn't know that he was going to bed.
Haven't seen him yet today. So nothing much is happening. I've got plans for the rest of the week, have no idea what H is up to.
Quote: I've been too busy focussing on H and have been ever since this all started last year. What do I say, how do I act, detach..and all that stuff focussing on H.
This is how I've been feeling about my little dd. I feel that I lost the whole past year. She was one when this started; she is now two and I don't remember much of the time in between. Sad. I've started to focus on her ALOT more now.
Quote: my S and raise him as best as I can.
This, too, is now my goal.
Quote: I've got plans for the rest of the week, have no idea what H is up to.
at first and then I was able to gain my composure and validate HIM. When he came out and said he didn't love me, that to hug me didn't feel right, I didn't take it personal. BECAUSE I know feelings can change. Once we got past the initial blow up, it did get easier the more he talked to not take it personally.
