When got home this evening had e-mail from CHL on settlement proposal. He is trying to work it out where I can keep the house but I still don't see any way I can do that. I would love to have the house as I do really like it.
I called and spoke with him for a bit, I think we were both a bit stressed but also both seemed to be working on communicating clearly.
I suggested that we both try to be as direct as possible with one another and we both try to work on making ASSumptions about what the other is saying to see if this helps us with future communication.
He agreed.
He is also planning to read the crazymaking posts on Betsey's thread. I told him about them as we had discussed them before.
I just wish I had gotten better control of my emotions much sooner.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
i know it's hard but you have a habit of always considering the past. you really need to work on not doing that because really it does not do anything for you
you have been told more than once, shoot, we all have, that the past is the past (why do i think of that scene in lion king where rufiki hits simba on the head with the stick???)
we can do NOTHING about the past, only now, ONLY NOW - we cannot even dictate our future but for doing things in the NOW that will CHANGE things in the future.
hate to quote brian tracy, no i don't hate to...
Quote: Perhaps the most important corollary to the law of cause and effect is this – “thoughts are causes” and “conditions are effects”. Your mind is the most powerful force in your universe. A man becomes what he thinks about most of the time. You are where you are and what you are because of your habitual ways of thinking. Your thoughts are creative, and they ultimately create your reality. So if you change your thinking, you change your life.
please really, REALLY digest that. that single paragraph is way so important
please put the past behind you pam, that is where it belongs.
Ok, have to admit here, I felt I had been really working on not focusing on the past.
Every time I caught myself I reminded myself of that point from the book Sage read and posted about, I have found that so helpful I really need to read the book!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I just wish I had gotten better control of my emotions much sooner.
this statement in particular.
this is what i see in making this statement. you are dwelling on the mistakes you made in the past. but even letting this thought cross your brain, you are setting yourself up for continued backslides
focus on the good. no matter HOW SMALL you may think those goods are in your life. even if it's the shelties, even if it's that it's a beautiful day. think of how much better off you are in life because you have the ability to pet your dogs, hug them, your not confined to a bed.
you can enjoy a cool spring breeze and see a beautiful spring flower, that your world is not full of the darkness that a blind person has
be thankful that you are not confined to a wheelchair without the use of your legs - you can enjoy a walk in the park
saying that sentence above just brings all the good you said BEFORE it, well, meaningless. because you see pam, the way our brain works, it concentrates alot on the NOW - and that last statement left you bitter about your past. something you can do nothing about
does that help? sometimes i really hate explaining cause i don't think i do a good enough job
oh pam, you are working on it! it's a hard road i know, damn i know
and you have worked on alot, but this is the one thing i continue to see in your posts. you list positives, and then you come out with a one sentence whammy - like "but" blah blah blah -
does that make sense. please don't think i don't see progress in your growth (who am i anyway? just a fellow worker in this thing called life) - i see tremendous progress - just that statement you made plays games with your head...i don't want that to happen anymore
to borrow from brian tracy...say this something wonderful is gonna happen to me today - or after this divorce, or in my life, fill in the blanks, and damn if it doesn't work pam, just try it...
I am still not sleeping through the night well, but it gives me lots of time to think.
I was thinking more about convo with PIB yesterday and realized, DUH, of course suicidal thoughts are NOT logical thoughts. What I did like, if there is anything to like, is I worked through that down period without spewing it out onto anyone else. Well, unless you count the shelties. It wasn't wild irrational feeling thinking, it was all fairly calm, just very it is over.
I believe that for me they are the ULTIMATE in black/white thinking. No middle ground. Have to look for that middle ground.
I am enjoying starting to look at people and situations in life in more than 2 dimensions. I still need a lot of work but it is a good feeling when I realize I have done something different than I would have in the past.
This past week I closed a chapter in my life that was a pretty big contributor to my depression.
When my horse died the first year CHL and I were married. I had a headstone made for her. We picked it up in my van and it has been in there ever since. We never got the other stuff and to my mom and dad's to get it sit on her grave.
It was sort of between the front seats and Shimmer has ridden on it ever since I got him as a puppy. I got him the same year the horse died.
This week when my dad was down I asked if he would take it and sit it for me, so that I would have final closure on it being on her grave. He did. If CHL comes this weekend to take the kids to McDonald's in the van for the first time there will be no headstone riding with us.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think you've been doing extremely well - especially recently. Sure you slip up sometimes but we all do, as I've said a million times, the most important things are (1) what you do after you slip up and (2) that you actively try to do better next time.
What I've seen in recent posts is that you're really able to analyze yourself and your actions - and sometimes CHL's actions. You're really taking responsibility for yourself and what you do. And what I've seen especially in this last week is this woman who's standing on her own two feet for the first time in a long time.
Life has a funny way of going on even if we're not ready for it to... and no matter what happens to us. We can't just say, "Hey! I'm in the middle of a D here.. STOP!". So I know you're feeling uncertain about what the future will bring but the future is coming whether you want it to or not - it's your choice what you do with it.
Me, I made it through without sharing my dark thoughts with anyone!!! 
