Deb, sorry I haven't posted for a while, I needed to take a break for myself. I was beginning to become obsessed with the board. I need to come up with my own answers to questions and not always bounce them off of the BB. That's just me... anyway, I see I missed a lot here.
First off, I have always been HD, but for a few years, I became LD. Women, it seems, want sex the more they get it. It turns on some sort of wiring in them. I haven't done a lot of research on it, but I've read it in several places. Here is one good link to some awesome sex articles. A Christian site with some great info. I even learned some stuff, and I've been reading on the subject for many years.
And, STOP asking or thinking about OW, it is only going to push him right back into her arms. Is that what you want? You need to go out and get a life. You know what I have been doing? Going to a local bookstore and spending a few hours a week in there. The library would be good also, but they are closed early out here.
Anything at all to preoccupy yourself and get yourself out and make you more mysterious. Time for a major makeover here, girl. Time for you to become intriguing to your H instead of just the same old same old.
thanks Bill and Rottz...I'm gonna check out the sex articles (hehehe)....and I feel like the "insights" maybe help me feel a little calmer about the sitch....I'm gonna skip around and check out other's sitchs, then will post a little more. I know what you mean about having to take a break from the BB for a while, Rotzz, It's a lot sometimes.
Time to update on my sitch, I'm not sure whether here or cheese hunting thread is best, maybe both places, maybe I need to make several posts.
It was a good and happy weekend for me, I think for H as well, went way to fast, as the good ones always do.
First, since Dazed gave me homework here, I'll report on my progress there: one of my short term goals was to plant some flowers this weekend....I did! I went and bought too many flowers and got started getting them set out. It was striking to me, shocking, really, many of my garden tools were laying still right where I dropped them (literally) the moment I found out about the A last fall. I think there's something symbolicly strenghtening in going back and picking them up and going on. I helped S rake his veg. garden to get ready to set out a few plants. Life was in such upheaval last year, even before confirmation of A, that we never even got it planted. Who was it, Thoreau, I think, who said "a well tended garden is a symbol of a well-ordered life" or something like that... Another short-term goal was to stop crazy-making. I did ok this weekend, will post about that in more detail.
I also did something just for me that might get H upset with me, but we'll see, havent told him yet. I got myself a necklace to go with my dress for D's wedding...I love it, I don't have a lot of nice jewelry. It's white gold, diamonds and saphires....it was expensive but not real expensive, actually on sale for a big discount....I showed it to S, said I didn't know what his dad would say, but maybe he'd just think it was fake....S had big eyes and said "I don't think so, it doesnt look fake"....anyway, I figured this one's for me...I've earned it.
success over crazymaking this weekend: Saturday, H went to "work" (I hope) and instead of being absorbed with my worry and anxiety, I loaded up S & his friend and went to rent movies, and bought a bunch of flowers to plant. came home and started planting them. actually got home 20 - 30 minutes after H did. Sunday, H walked for 2 hours, sometimes his long walks cause me to think the worst. I found myself getting anxious, coming up with all kinds of worried, clingy questions to ask that lodged themselves on the tip of my tongue, so I put lunch in the oven and got my shovel and went out to plant flowers. I find it hard to worry as much when my fingernails are all dirty from flower planting.
So, I actually did a good job of getting control of the crazymaking. yes!!!!
Quote: one of my short term goals was to plant some flowers this weekend....I did! I went and bought too many flowers and got started getting them set out. It was striking to me, shocking, really, many of my garden tools were laying still right where I dropped them (literally) the moment I found out about the A last fall. I think there's something symbolicly strenghtening in going back and picking them up and going on. I helped S rake his veg. garden to get ready to set out a few plants. Life was in such upheaval last year, even before confirmation of A, that we never even got it planted. Who was it, Thoreau, I think, who said "a well tended garden is a symbol of a well-ordered life" or something like that...
What great imagery! And what a positive and literal step forward! Thanks for sharing it!
Deb, I'm SOOOO happy for you that you've found your "therapy" to overcome the crazymaker. I havent quite found mine yet.... All I can do is throw up a STOP sign, but something more active is prolly in order.
Go YOU!
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
I don't know , this seemed like such a great weekend, nothing big or exceptional going on, just warm and close and happy, from my perspective, and I think from H's as well, usually I'm pretty aware of how things are for him emotionally. Friday I got home from work about noon, fixed a quick lunch, and ML....H had been working like a mad man all morning to get chores done...done laundry, gathered up trash, and done part of his weights...to make time for us while S was at school! it was great, fun, like in the "old days"....I did tell H later how great it was and that I hoped he had wanted to "do it" and not planned it just because he knew I did....he said "of course" he did, and that he knew he was kind of OCD because he always liked to have "things done" 1st, but he knew that if we didn't take advantage of the time when it was available, "things just never happen. Yes!!!!he is planning for us to have time together, and doing things to make it happen.
H was cheerful and upbeat and affectionate with hugs and kisses....he would lean over and give me a little peck in passing or a hug....on his own initiation. and a few lingering, romantic kisses as well... sigh.....
Saturday, one of the horses got out, and h took the initiative to get him in, and didnt gripe about it. H even checked the fence and mentioned how we needed to get some work done on it, because it's really bad in places....yes it is, has been for years, h has nevered noticed or cared. according to the reconnection post, this is part of what they go through as they start this process, starting to take an interest in "home" again. I also heard him lecture the dog about doing something to "My House"...didn't hear what the dog was being lectured about, but thought the "my house" part was good.
H held the little dog on his lap while we watched a movie, something else the "reconnecting" post in MLC says they will do
H talked about how lucky we are that "we" will be young enough to know and do things with our grandchildren ... and that it is cool that it looks like D and her future H will be living for at least a while in the small town where H's office is located (H said "maybe I can have lunch with them sometimes") h talked w/D on phone a little, cheerfully. They used to be really close, have been at odds w/each other for several years, have avoided each other and hardly spoken during A "stuff". Another thing cited in reconnecting post.
When H came back from long walk Sunday AM, I must have looked kind of worried, athough I didn't say a word....H said "I'm sorry, I'm walking a lot trying to get in shape to do the Longs Peak climb this summer" (he offered reassurance w/o me asking for it)....I didnt know he was planning this and said "I don't think your chubby wife will be able to do that with you this year. I'm planning on hiking w/you, but I won't be ready for that one" he replied I know, we'll do Mills and some of those together". Big plus from my perspective, future plans that include me....both hiking and grandkids... no more reference to thinking I've had an A, although he does seem still mystified at my greatly increased sexual appetite.... After doing chores Sunday Am, we talked about plans for the day....H said "maybe this afternoon we could have some time for....and his voice trailed off and he kind of walked away....I said "what were you thinking time for" and he said "time for loving"! I told him he didn't have to invite me twice, and what time and I would be there!!!! again, he's making plans for us to have time together...actually, that is so big!!! such a change! As luck would have it, I took S in to get more garden plants and was about 1/2 hour late getting home for our date....I apologized, H seemed ok, later complained a little about "you were so late" (he noticed!) so maybe being a little late wasnt all bad. anyway, we had a great, unhurried time ML while S worked in his garden (planning on my part too!) It was the kind that seems tender and content and sweet. Sigh.... When S & I came home, H came in from the garage and mentioned he'd been getting ready to do chores but decided it was too early. I took this as an effort to reassure me of what he was doing (not on cell phone w/OW?)....
So I don't know, things seem so great for the most part, yet H still is not to the point of telling me he's "staying" and OW is history....It's hard for me to understand why this would be. I'm thinking that it's related to his feeling that he's lived his entire life doing for others, and now it's his time on his terms (as in MLC info) plus some lingering fear that things will get bad again.... Patience, patience I guess...
thanks Bill and SadWAW, for your input. Fresh air and sunshine and physical activity has always been a life saver for me...I do so much better when I can get out and do stuff. I really do need to get myself a new bike, and get back to riding my horse...I'd gained so much weight I couldnt even do that...now I'm getting back to where I can. Even when I was a teenager, I had a horse that was a life-saver for me....spent hours riding alone and reflecting on life.... I'm still going to do golf lessons, and looking for martial arts and belly dancing lessons...the last 2 are kind of hard to find here in my location.
One thing I find interesting personally, is that I think my DBing efforts are working on me. this is weird and kind of scary, but for the last couple of days (couple of weeks, actually) I've had this sense of falling head-over-heels in love w/H again...I find myself just staring at him and thinking how great he is, and being all soft and "squishy hearted" towards him....I don't know if this is good, because I don't know if it's mutual, and lord it's scary to think you have feelings like that arent returned. It will be so much harder to lose him if I do if I'm feeling like this rather than all hard and angry. Does anybody else find this happening to them? Is DBing supposed to work on the DB'er as well as the DB'ee? It really is scary.
It's nice to hear that you are doing better! I still owe you that email I promised! Haven't forgotten about you - just haven't been posting much!
I've taken some time off from the board and I am taking some time to figure out where I'm at and what I really want to do with my life...Just need a break you know?!
I am drained!
Keep up the good work - You are doing amazing!
Hugs!
Jen
PS: Have you heard from BnB? She hasn't posted in a while and was just wondering about her?
time for us while S was at school! it was great, fun, like in the "old days"....I did tell H later how great it was and that I hoped he had wanted to "do it" and not planned it just because he knew I did....he said "of course" he did, and that he knew he was kind of OCD because he always liked to have "things done" 1st, but he knew that if we didn't take advantage of the time when it was available, "things just never happen. Yes!!!!he is planning for us to have time together, and doing things to make it happen.