**Warning... way too much information... proceed at your own risk!**
If anyone remembers me, I am LDW trying to 'spice' up my M! I had started initiating more frequently, and then noticed H has not initiated... in a looooonnnnnnnggggggg time.
Well, last night, he initiated... and I immediately jumped at the chance!!! He quite enjoys spooning, entering me from the back, and using his hands to stimulate me from the front. The longer he stimulated, the more sensitive/painful it got. He did orgasm, but I didn't.
Due to hormone swings and PMS coming on, I just think it was a lost cause, cause no matter what he did, it didn't 'work' for me. I was quite disappointed to say the least!
Thing is, I kind of got upset... not at him, but just a general 'man, I hate when that happens' kind of thing. I told him that due to my particular hormone balance, that it just wasn't going to work. He suggested masturbating, but I declined... too sore at this point.
I had a little fit, complete with crying (hormones???) then we cuddled a bit and fell asleep. I'm embarassed about this display, but I really needed the release that an orgasm gives me... I apologised this morning, but I think I totally scared him off.
I know that due to my cycle, certain times of the month are almost a guarantee that I'm going to orgasm, and other times it's the opposite. I hate that my body is like this! I was looking forward to making this great for both him and me! Is there anything you can suggest when it's not as easy? He would perform oral sex on me at a drop of a hat (a sure thing), but I wanted actual intercourse! Now, I'm wishing I'd gone for the oral!!!
For most men, I think sex is a sure thing... it's just not this way for me, and lots of women I'd say. It's really frustrating, and I really felt let down and saddened, and I woke up with a headache and feeling really nasty!
Now what?
He said he didn't feel 'responsible', and that he felt bad for me... is he going to ever initiate again??? I'd give it another go tonight, only now I'm terrified it would be a repeat performance . Can this situation be salvaged???
Absolutely it can be saved. I would suggest letting it come naturally again. It may take some time again. But if you are not rejecting him that is half the battle. So give him a little time He will do it again. Us HDers are pretty reselient.
Jen...first off...here's a hug. Now take a moment to calm down...God knows I've had the same advice given to me around here lately.
No one thing will save your SSM and no one thing will kill your SSM. (Another thing the folks here have taught me.) He initiated, she didn't have the Big O, and you got upset.
Let's take a look at the good: - He initited. This should be a BIG sign of success. - He didn't think he was to blame. - He tried to empathize with yout sitch.
Let's take a look at the could have been better: - You didn't O...but there are some hormones to blame. - You got emotional, but you clearly didn't blame him 'cause he didn't feel responsible.
All in all...I don't think it's as good or as bad as you made it sound. Though I'm sure this was your first outpouring of what happened.
I wouldn't be surprised if the combination of hormones and some situational pressure because he initited threw you off your game. You probably weren't expecting it...and your mind/body was probably focused more on what was happening than what was happening.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
In fact, I think there was a lot of useful info there. Things that you can learn from and use for the next time. For instance, what was stopping you from saying, "I'm getting overly sensitive, can we switch to oral for a while?" I know he would have jumped at it! From my standpoint, it appears that you were/are trying to appease him too much, to the detriment of your own experience. And that feeling is what caused the emotions to well up afterwards. The feeling that you are doing it all for him and, then last night it WAS all for him, dammit!
If the hormones have plagued you in this way for your whole marriage, then chances are he is familiar with you saying that sometimes it just isn't going to happen from manual stimulation. Let him know that, at those times, you are totally open to trying something different.
Also was it (your clit) getting dry? Sometimes just a little lube or my natural wetness will get the good feelings going again, even though it is basically the same motions. Or, you could have him just stop with the stimulation for a time until you are dying for him to touch you again and he can restart. Or, you could purchase a vibrator just for this position (I know that I have a hard time coming from this position and I have no idea why! It is really pleasant but something about not being able to spread my legs really impairs my ability to have an orgasm this way). Ok, that's all the suggestions I have for now.
My point is to NOT let this get you down and if the opportunity arises maybe you can discuss this with your H...why you didn't stop him at the time and what you two can do differently as a couple to work around these hormonal blips.
GOOD LUCK! And don't worry about it at all; you'll find some way around it.
Take a deep breath, relax and don't be so hard on yourself. It's very normal to have some sessions be "flops"...learn to laugh it off. Before I had kids, my W and would see 2 movies a week. Some were great, some ok, and some sucked but our attitudes about the bad ones were not too bad because we knew that it was normal to have a few bad ones. Now, with kids, when we can only go to the movie 4 times a year...we get really freaked out and weird about making sure that it's going to be good and if it's bad, we get really pissed because it took so much effort to get there. My point is this...keep it up. Keep trying. Communicate and play without so much emphasis on orgasms. If you are really feeling like you need one, then try to work with your H to achieve it using other means.
I have found that going down on my W for about 15 minutes then alternating insertion etc. works because she gets the stimulation she needs but also gets to have me inside her.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Hi Jen, From a strict technique perspective, rear entry is the one position I can always climax from (although I prefer to be up on my knees or to have pillows underneath). The reason is that I can easily stimulate my clit myself (and occasionally reach far back enough to touch certain parts of my husband), go slow when I want, go faster when I want, etc. Meanwhile, my husband uses his hands just about everywhere else and kisses my neck (my favorite kissing spot). I'm also a great believer in Astroglide and have been for years. A little dab on your fingertip should keep you from going numb since you can keep the touch very light. Just an idea.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Jen, don't worry! You didn't "blow it". I'm sure your H understood, and even if he didn't, I doubt you've "scared him off" for long. It'll help him if you can make some really nice, relaxing together times with him. Also, if you can keep from being too "goal-oriented" with sex, it should help you keep from becoming so emotional if you "miss the big one." Like Dave said, everyone with enough experience eventually experiences something like that - you just learn to laugh it off and await next time. I know, at this point you feel like you have "something to prove" with H, and you've been just waiting for him to initiate, and finally he did, and... what happened, happened. Nobody's fault. The important thing is to be totally honest with him about it, so he doesn't blame himself. I'm sure you thought of that...
Quote: For most men, I think sex is a sure thing...
Not at all, Jen! Just ask any guy who's ever lost an erection... yes, it's even happened to me. Not very often, mind you... Sex is a really complex dance between body and mind, and if anything is out of kilter, like hormones, it can keep a good thing from happening. However, for a loving couple, the main thing each one has in mind is the other's pleasure - that's how it's meant to be. If you can reassure your H that the fact that you didn't experience bliss isn't his fault, no harm will come from this, I promise...
AD, I thought I knew a lot already but hadn't heard about the Liberator until this board. Wow. It looks great (especially since my husband's always been one to use pillows in creative ways ). I think I know what he's getting for his birthday this year (assuming that he behaves himself out of bed and I don't walk out on him).
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Sex is a really complex dance between body and mind, and if anything is out of kilter, like hormones, it can keep a good thing from happening. However, for a loving couple, the main thing each one has in mind is the other's pleasure - that's how it's meant to be. If you can reassure your H that the fact that you didn't experience bliss isn't his fault, no harm will come from this, I promise...