Like most red-blooded guys, I get turned on by some porn but ultimately porn is boring and unreal. I believe the attraction for 'porn addicts' is the variety and a form of jealousy. The desire to be in the situation but while remaining a detached voyeur. The real danger is not the porn itself but the isolation in this fantasy world that he is creating for himself. I have a radical idea but you may not agree. You chould try being his porn star. Just put on a non-contact show for him and let him masturbate the way he wants. Its important for him to disengage from the computer and magazines and see a real woman for once. Once you have got his attention and he is satisfied the porn should be boring. It's important that you shouldn't feel that you're being used in this way - just that you fool him into thinking he's exploiting you. It's a big act. Alternatively, pretend that you're really intested in his porn and masturbate him or yourself in front of the computer. The whole idea is that you become part of his fantasies again and re-engage as people.
I used to catch my H with downloaded porn rather often; I understand how it can make you feel. You need to remove yourself and your child as far as possible from this man before he harms you any more, and before he harms your child. He is NOT a good role model, and I know you want the best for your child. Porn is one thing, addiction is another. You may not be totally aware of it, but I'm willing to bet he's damaging your self-image. You really need to be strong, for yourself and for your child. There are plenty of places to find help; please believe in yourself and what you can accomplish!!
I am NOT suggesting you try this, it's just what I did when I got fed up with it: One night after my H went to bed, I got on his computer and photo-shopped one of his porn pics. I drew a word bubble and wrote in something like, 'Instead of looking at me why don't you go spend some time with your flesh and blood W? Don't you realize how much she misses you and wants to be with you?' The next morning I found a photo-shopped pic on my computer, with his feelings in response. It ended up being a great way for us to communicate our feelings. It allowed us time to 'think before we speak'.
><> Hope you're finding the strength you need to make it thru this...
Well right now I'm just trying to do my own thing. I did see myself getting into his business because I didn't have anything of my own. Besides my kids and chores, I really don't have anything. I have been trying to keep arguments down. I'm tired of arguing especially since it hasn't and won't get us anywhere.
I haven't asked my SO for sex nor has he come to me when he wants it. I know that he's still using porn. He's not trying to show me or tell me that he wants me sexually. It still hurts, but I try not to think about it. I don't think anything will come out of this relationship. I think the attraction that was there for him isn't there anymore even though he says otherwise.
I asked him the other night if he had looked at porn and satisfied himself. He paused for a bit, then he finally said yes he did. I don't know why it's been so hard for him to say 'yes' before. He's always denied it.
I was wondering...Maybe it's me that has the problem? I find myself being aroused often in the day. Even if I wasn't thinking about it. Does anyone know if there is a pill or something to stop that? Or at least decrease the arousal?
OMG!! I do hope you're NOT serious about wanting a pill that MAKES YOU LD!!!! Is that what you meant?? Because I for one would give anything to have your 'problem' of just being horny! And I can guarantee that my H would give even more for it! It sounds like you're coming to the realization that the R holds nothing for you anymore. I can't imagine being in your sit, but I know it must be hard to be with someone who doesn't seem to have any interest in you, sexually or otherwise. Why do you think he's okay with admitting it to you now? Please please please do NOT start blaming yourself for problems that are obviously his.
You said:
Quote: Besides my kids and chores, I really don't have anything.
Did you notice that your SO wasn't mentioned there? Your SO should be a very significant part of your life. If he isn't...what is he actually contributing to your R? Or better yet...your life?
><> Keeping you in my thoughts... And BTW, my H wants to know if you and I can trade SDs for a while?
You have many issues to contend with, not just the lack of sex but the lack of involvement of the So in your life. He is just taking up space, not nurturing and loving you and the baby at all. Don't settle for this realtionship. You even say
Quote: I don't think anything will come out of this relationship
Call me stupid, but I really do love him. Very much. I feel torn apart. A part of me wants to stay, and be with him. Try to make it work, because I love him. Another part wants to leave because I know he isn't going to change.
Quote: Call me stupid, but I really do love him. Very much. I feel torn apart. A part of me wants to stay, and be with him. Try to make it work, because I love him. Another part wants to leave because I know he isn't going to change.
Alorna - You aren't stupid. But you also aren't being honest with yourself. You are staying because you think you can't do any better than him. You are staying because you feel, somehow, you have caused his behavior. You are staying because you think you deserve to be treated poorly. Love shouldn't hurt.
And what about your child? Does your child deserve this? Has your child caused this? Is this what's best for your child? If you don't have the strength to leave - and I understand not having that strength, because I've been there - then leave him for your child's sake.
There are lots of support groups for women in situations like yours. Maybe you can find one in your community? Even if you don't have the strength to leave now, you need to do something for yourself before this man robs you of the last bit of self-respect you have left.
