Life has been a rocky road. I lost a lot of my strength when I was with the kid's dad. He had isolated me from family and friends and brainwashed me into thinking that all of the problems in our R were all my fault. Classic abuser tactics that I now cringe everytime I see another woman being treated like I was.
I don't think we know the strengths that we have inside us at times. But if it is what you know you want and need to do to preserve yourself and/or your kids, you find that strength from deep inside.
I hope that you are doing better Alorna. Good advice to lean on others to help you find your strength. Make sure that these are people that you can trust. Sometimes a stranger can help you find yourself, too. I developed a wide network of people to help me when I needed it most, so don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hey Alorna. As the duly-unelected president and legal counsel of the Weiner Brothers, here on the SSM Forum, I wanted to say that we support you and hope that you take control of your life for your own good, and for your kid's good, and that, one day, you realize, that not all men are pigs.
Hairdog, Commander in Chief of the WB Armed Forces.
(I have not read this whole thread so if this has already been addressed, well, sorry)
Alorna,
If you not having enough sex with your spouse drove him to porn then you owe it to him to stick by him and help him with his addiction. However, if you think there could be abuse or violence toward you and/or your kids, then get the heck out of there. Don't tell him, just go to a shelter and get yourself a VPO (Victims Protective Order).
Just remember the famous words of President Hairdog, "not all men are pigs".....just the ones who aren't getting laid enough! :-)
"If you not having enough sex with your spouse drove him to porn then you owe it to him to stick by him and help him with his addiction."
No one should stay in an abusive relationship under ANY circumstances. It does NOT sound like she withheld from this man, he has been addicted to porn for many years. She is the one starving for affection and gets nothing from this man at all.
The SO will probably blame her for everything, that is typical abuser behavior. Most of the time the addicted personalities cannot or will not admit that the problems in the relationship are driven by their horrible behaviors.
Okay, Meat is feeling a bit depressed today. I don't think many of us (LDs or HDs) would call our marriages abusive. Undesireable, frustrating, unfulfilling, maybe, but not abusive. If you think yours is abusive, Meat, what about it makes you feel that way?
i was wondering...is there a way to get over porn? because that's what my SO says i should do. i don't think i can get over it. he told me last night that he was going to go to bed early, because he has work in the morning. he said he was going to bed before 12 a.m. he told me that he was just going to look at his porn video downloads then he was going to bed. he said he had to check to see is his downloads are "good quality". (good quality sounds like a load of crap to me) he didn't go t bed til after 1 a.m. his mom was visiting us yesterday, and he couldn't keep himself out of the computer room. it upset his mom too. she lives an hour away and came up to visit and see him and our son. instead he spends his time in the computer room. mostly looking at his downloads. she doesn't know what to do about him either. btw, he said that just because he jerks off to porn doesn't mean that he has to satisfy me after when i want him to.
Alorna, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It must be so difficult trying to figure out whether your marriage can or should be saved; and it would be much easier for you to leave him if you didn't have to worry about losing your child or even leaving him alone with your husband for visitation. I agree with the posters who have suggested that you seek professional help. Most women's shelters have counselors (and you don't have to be a victim of physical abuse to seek help from them, they help women who are being emotionally abused, too) and some are able to refer you to lawyers who do pro bono (free) work with women who need help.
My opinion, based solely on what you've written, is that your husband is addicted. Here's a very short news article about pornography addiction that may have some helpful information for you: http://tv.ksl.com/index.php?nid=5&sid=40866 (Pornography: A Serious Addiction). Several months ago, I read an article about a research study that showed that viewing pornography stimulated the same part of the brain as using cocaine.
Also, he's being controlling and extremely unkind to you. That is harmful to you, and also to your child, whether it's caused by his addiction or is in addition to his addiction.
Addictions are so difficult to deal with that many colleges and universities won't allow undergraduate students in the helping professions to provide counseling to addicts unless the student himself has overcome an addiction.
My closest experience was with an alcoholic who worked for me my first year in the AF. He was a guy who could be charming and manipulative, but he was affecting our unit because his alcoholism caused him to make mistakes and to slack off work. On the advice of my superior officers and the senior NCOs in my unit, I gave him letters of reprimand, ordered him into alcohol rehab (one advantage the military has over the civilian workplace), counseled him repeatedly. His wife left him as his alcoholism progressed. He tried to quit drinking, but nothing would work (and he also wouldn't attend AA since he insisted that he wasn't an alcoholic, that he just had a "drinking problem", and he tried to blame his "drinking problem" on everybody and everything else he could think of ).
Finally, everybody told me that I had to bust him (demote him to the lowest rank) and order him into detox (as an inpatient) and rehab. I would have done anything else if it would have helped, but the drug and rehab counselors showed me that it was the only way to get his attention, that by busting him he wouldn't have the money to buy alcohol. I don't know what ultimately happened to him since he was transferred out a few weeks after finishing rehab.
What I learned is just how strong an addiction can be and that an addict can lose everything (spouses, other family members, friends, jobs, etc.) to the addiction.
Employers, such as the military, have had to deal with drug and alcohol addictions for years, and now they're having to deal with porn addictions. Recently, two men who worked at the same base as my husband were disciplined and discharged from the military because they had been downloading and/or viewing pornography on the computers at work despite numerous warnings (not to them individually but to the entire base) about this.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Alorna, sweetie, I want you to know something: this is not about the porn. It doesn't matter if this man looks at porn 24 hours a day or if he is the kindest, most gentle lover on the planet. The fact is he is controlling and abusive. I don't know you, but I could give a sh*t less about the porn at this point. You need to get out of there. Stop blaming the porn. Stop blaming yourself. Just wait until he is gone, take your kid, and leave.
You've gotten some good advice on this board - are you listening to it at all?
- Heavyheart (who has been where you're at, and mustered up the courage to leave, and knows you can do it too)
Alorna, Just wanted to add that I hope you're taking care of yourself. You've probably heard the example of how airline passengers with young children are told to put on their own oxygen masks first before trying to put them on their children in case of an emergency.
Make sure that you don't become isolated. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Look for support groups (perhaps through a women's shelter, church, or 12 step group). If you don't know where to start looking, try calling your local domestic violence shelter or hotline or your local family services agency. You're strong, and you'll probably learn in the next few months that you're stronger than you ever imagined you could be especially with a baby to protect and care for. I don't know if you work outside the home or not but you may want to improve or maintain your job skills so that you don't feel trapped. He'll do everything he can to deny that he has a problem and will try to blame it on you.
And, if you decide to leave him, please be very, very careful and have somebody with you (and don't get into an argument or fight with him). Some men become physically abusive for the first time when their wives leave.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
