I think my SO is addicted to porn. He collects and downloads porn off the internet almost everyday. He says he's not addicted to porn at all. So I told him to delete the porn and stop collecting/downloading them. He says he won't becuz the porn has always been there for him. He makes porn sound like it's his best friend. He tells me that porn is apart of his life and always will be. Then he also tells me that he doesn't "need" porn, but he won't stop it. I need advice...
Sorry to hear about your situation, but you've come to the right place.
Can you give a little more info about it? You think you and your SO are not having sex because of the porn? How long have you been together? How was your sex life in the beginning as compared to now?
You sound like me a few years ago! My hubby had a major porn problem before we got married, and I didn't realize it until after we got married and he pretty much stopped having sex with me altogether (but still did porn almost daily). You are not alone. Tell us a little more about your situation - there are others here in your shoes.
Well we've been together for 3 years now. When we first got together, I knew that he was exposed to porn when he was 7 years old. He said he found a playboy magazine in a dumpster. I knew he had a history with porn, but I didn't think it was this bad. Before I didn't think he would use porn when he had me here. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I loved him and wanted to be with him too. I was happy. Then last year was when I found out how much porn was a part of his life. I would find porn on the computer almost every other day. I got upset. I started feeling really insecure, inadequate, unwanted, and unloved. He used porn while I was sleeping or when I wasn't home. One night I woke up while he was in the middle of using porn to masturbate to. At first I was shocked, but then I was happy becuz he had orgasmed. Then I thought about it and realized it was becuz I saw him and finally didn't feel threatened...I spoke up after he was done. When he saw that I was awake and he was pissed. Really pissed. He said I was spying on him. He made me feel really bad. He said porn and masturbating was a "private" thing. We were in the same room. The computer was in our bedroom. After that he starting getting more porn. He had burned some onto CDs. One time there was about 40 CDs full of porn that he had gotten off the internet. I was so upset. I told him I wanted to throw those CDs out. Finally he agreed. But the porn kept on coming. It was really driving me downhill to depression, insecurity, sometimes I even think insanity. It was and is still bad for me. He doesn't think he's addicted to porn. He thinks he's fine and that porn is good. He says I should just "get over it". We rarely have sex now. He says we don't have sex becuz of me. That I'm the one that doesn't want sex. He says I don't want sex becuz I get mad about his porn and start talking about it. He says when I do that he gets pissed and doesn't want to have sex with me. Sometimes he locks himself up in the computer room (we live in a different place now), and uses porn while I'm in the bedroom crying or sleeping. I tell him that if he didn't get porn and I didn't see it all the time on the computer he wouldn't have to worry about me talking about porn. He doesn't do it though. I think he doesn't do it so I can get upset and it gives him an excuse to use the porn. He told me before that guys use porn for "variety". Then he tells me that he uses porn for the act of sex and not the people having sex. Now he tells me that he looks at the porn so he can imagine himself having sex with the women. No matter what none of the reasons he has to jusitify his porn use is going to make me happy that he uses porn when he has me. \ He trys to give me a guilt trip. He tells me that I don't love him becuz I want him to change from using porn to not using porn. He says I should accept him for who he is, and that porn will always be in his life. I don't know what to do. I really love him and we have a baby together. I can't get over his porn use. I don't think it's right. Especially if he wants to do it by himself in private.
Oh and I told him that if he wants naked pictures that I'll take some for him. He tells me he doesn't want naked pictures of me, becuz he has me already. Gee thanks... And last night he said that I'm not special and that he's not going to change for me.
Quote: And last night he said that I'm not special and that he's not going to change for me.
This is CLASSIC addict behavior on his part. He doesn't want to admit he has a problem, so he blames you for it. Your boyfriend's behavior is abusive and it is hurting you, and ultimately IT WILL HURT YOUR CHILD, too. Like you said, you feel like you might be going insane. I have been there, too. It's gotten to the point where he feels he can treat you like he is - and, frankly, that is something you CAN control: your reactions. It's time to stop feeling badly about yourself. You've done nothing to bring this on.
Unfortunately, you cannot change his behavior - but you can change yours. I finally gave my husband an ultimatum: porn or me. And I was serious (that's the important part - you have to be willing to follow through). So he quit, and we threw out all the porn.
There is a lot of info online about porn addiction. Just go to Google and do some searching. It is a real problem and it is killing lots of relationships. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Why not try a 180 and see what his reaction is? Go purchase a couple of copies of Playgirl and a neck messager. If his porn is hurting your feelings...yours will hopefully hit him where it counts the most...his brain.
Might be worth doing....even if you're not actually in to it or would ever buy the stuff. It might be enough to knock some sense into him. Just a thought....
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
I'm not anti-180, but (just for the sake of conversation) do you think there is ever a point where a relationship issue (addiction comes to mind) has gotten too toxic and abusive to really try a 180? Isn't there just a point where you should get out? I'm asking this, DBR, because I appreciate your male point of view on this porn stuff.
My SO doesn't want me to have a sex toy. I do have a massager, and sometimes use it. I know when I do use it, he doesn't like it. It's unfair how he expects me to be ok with his porn use while he doesn't want me to have a sex toy. He always says to use him, but he is never around. He's always in the computer room. He just downloaded tons and tons of porn, and he doesn't want me to talk about it. Porn really doesn't do anything for me. I think it just makes me more self conscious of myself, because I'm not the thin woman with big fake (or not) boobs that my SO looks at. I just asked him what is it that is so appealing to guys about porn. He wouldn't tell me. He just wanted to sleep and told me that he'd tell me when he woke up. I doubt it.
He sounds like an abuser and a controlling jerk. I think this at least borders on the kind of abuse/substance-abuse addiction issue that is an IMMEDIATE deal-breaker...
