Well, after feeling really good about me and H all week, and doing my best to relinquish some control, be more loving and affectionate toward him, and generally be Miss Superwife, I went to bed last night feeling EXTREMELY frustrated! Tonight will be a week since our discussion (the one where HE initiated the "I miss being intimate with you" discussion for the first time ever, the one where he ended up bawling like a baby that he didn't want to lose me, the one where he promised it would be his PRIORITY to work toward finding a solution to our problem)...and as I fell asleep next to a snoring H last night I got to feeling a little resentful that I had opened my heart up again and allowed myself to feel hope and, from my perspective, H hadn't really done anything new.
Yes, I know I was being impatient. I readily admit that. I like progress and I like it NOW, darn it. But I remembered what everyone here has said about being patient and progress takes time, so I decided to wake up this morning and continue on with my plan and hope he would eventually go along with his end of the bargain. And, oops, I even left the SSM book (which I am devouring - on page 130 already) out on his nightstand.
So H woke up and took the book and tossed it on the floor and started reading an auto magazine, and I got steamed. I know, I know. I shouldn't have, but I did. It p*ssed me off that he basically ignored this book that HE told me to order in the first place and HE promised to make a priority. So I got pissier and pissier with him all morning (so much for being patient) and it ended with me confronting him in our bedroom. I said I was very confused and felt like what he'd said last weekend hadn't meant anything, and that I had been trying all week to show him I was trying to change and I felt he wasn't meeting me half way like he'd promised...blah blah blah. We got into talking about the SSM book, and talking about our sex life, and talking about his lack of self-confidence, and the same old stuff we've talked about for YEARS.
And after 45 minutes I said (okay, I practically YELLED)..."Okay, here's what I don't understand. You SAY you like having sex with me, and you SAY we never have time or you're too tired, but here it is 10 in the morning and the baby is asleep and the kids are watching TV downstairs and you've spent the last 45 minutes telling me this or that about why you can't have sex with me. What I don't get is...why instead of talking about it for the better part of an hour can't you just tell me to rip my clothes off and jump you?!?!"
(Can you tell how frustrated I was getting? You HD'ers understand, I know you do.)
But then H did something he's never done before. While usually he would have said, "Well, all this talking means the last thing on my mind is sex," or "My back hurts" or "I'm hungry" or "We don't have time" or something else from his arsenal of excuses, he looked up at the ceiling and pondered for a moment. And then he winked at me. And he said, "Okay, rip your clothes off dammit!"
Okay, so it wasn't fireworks but it was nice and I've been rewarding him all day by being very affectionate and lovey and sweet. My only problem now is that I would love to jump him again tonight but I know that will scare him off so I'll just have to be good (for awhile).
A++++++ for your hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was one HELL of a come back!! I'm gonna remember that one... dammed if I don't... quite the HD thing to say and do, if I do say so myself... and I do.
I agree, but next time it might be better to be more forthright when you notice you're getting steamed. Like calm down and ask for a talk. Hard, I know. I'm thinking you were sort of expecting him to "read you" and understand why you were getting steamed... he's a guy. We get distracted. We need to be reminded. It doesn't mean anything other than we got distracted, that's all.
I hear you about the progress, tho. Same thing here... two weeks ago I talked it out with W and said, right out, that I could no longer live like this and if we could not solve these problems, I saw no choice but to end the M. So for the past 2 weeks... what? No real progress I can see. I think we have to stand our ground and re-state (calmly) that we need to see steady progress. Slow is okay, but standstill is not, procrastination is not, backsliding is NOT!!!
HH...I'm very happy and proud of you. I'm sure it took every bit of your energy not to blow up like the past. But keep this in mind...it could have just as easily gone the other way. That is a sign of progress but you will still need to be very patient. One step at a time.
I wish I could say my weekend was as productive. I had a MAJOR backsliding event that I feel very terrible about. I pulled a bad control/manipulative move after I felt like my WAW was cancelling plans with me so she could spend time with her friends. My WAW have since talked about it and she said it might be the final nail in the coffin. A lot of frustration from mixed messages and lack of feedback from her just boiled over. I feel unspeakably awful about. More later...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: A++++++ for your hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was one HELL of a come back!! I'm gonna remember that one... dammed if I don't... quite the HD thing to say and do, if I do say so myself... and I do.
Tim - You are VERY right. I definitely could have (should have) handled things better. Although, in the past, I woulda been pissy for the whole day instead of just an hour or so before I went to talk to him. It's just so hard to be a grown-up sometimes, darn it.
I'm sorry your wife hasn't been making any (visible) baby steps. When I told H the same this morning, he said he felt he *had* been making efforts, but that I just hadn't noticed. Hmmmm...something to ponder?
Oh DBR, I'm so sorry about your troubles with WAW. I VERY MUCH understand how your emotions would be very tightly wound after all the insights you've been having on the message board this week. I know that is part of what contributed to my H frustrations today, too. (And you're right, things could VERY easily have gone the other way for us - it's H that pulled things out of the crapper, not me.)
Please share what happened when you feel up to it. Meanwhile, try not to be too upset with yourself - you ARE only human, after all.
Quote: Please share what happened when you feel up to it. Meanwhile, try not to be too upset with yourself - you ARE only human, after all.
I think I let the events of the past two weeks really get to me. Last week I was Superman for my WAW because she had some car troubles. I jumped in and came to the rescue on a lot of levels that week. That's when she started to really warm up to me, spent time together without pressuring, asked about wedding photo, etc. I felt really good...but never got actual feedback from her.
This past week I kept to giving her space and I knew we were going to do something later in the week. We talked on the phone earlier in the week, I sent some nice emails to let her know I was thinking about her, etc. But I felt like she had withdrawn from me in contrast to last week, and without any feedback to go on I was setting myself up for trouble.
On Friday we were going to have dinner. She later called to reschedule for Sunday. I was fine because she sounded very tired on the phone. She said she was going to run out to do some errands and talk with a friend about some things at work. I had left her a vm later because of something I had forgotten to ask her about. A few hours later she called to say that she was just now coming home, and would probably go right to bed.
I just mentally blew a gasket. I felt like she cancelled her plans with me but still went out and spent the same amount of time as she would have with me. I was fine when she said she was tired, because I know how hard she works. But when she was out for a while with friends I just felt like she wasn't honest with me. I felt like the reason she cancelled was because she had a better offer...I know that's selfish on my part...but it hurt a lot.
I pulled a huge control thing by leaving something under her door and then not returning her phone calls later that night. It was a complete old-me passive aggressive thing, and I now feel like the biggest a-hole on the planet for having done it. She was really hurt by it and very angry too.
Today we spoke a little bit and she said that she knew I was sorry, but this was something that was going to be very hard to forget. She said that she knows that she does confuse me, that she wants to work on things, but that this thing might be the nail in the coffin. She had to get back to work, but I just feel terrible and as if I'm probably going to be the ruin of things.
When we talk next I'm going to tell her that I think one thing I want going forward is feedback, both positive and negative about our R. I almost always get the negative and that causes me to panic sometimes and get dramatic.
I just feel like a lot of the good things I've done to improve our R have gone down the drain because I didn't know where things stood...and I ASSumed the worst. Say a prayer for me folks...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Quote: She had to get back to work, but I just feel terrible and as if I'm probably going to be the ruin of things.
Hey...I'm really sorry this happened. And if it makes you feel any better, I probably would have felt just as hurt if I were you. And you know what? If the tables were turned, your WAW would have been hurt by it, too. Did you react like the most mature, upstanding man on the planet? No. But I also think it's wrong for her to call one stupid incident on your part "the final nail in the coffin." If she really thinks so, then she was probably just looking/waiting for you to turn into that "bad guy" she keeps wanting you to be. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else.
Remember our conversation about we mixed-up controlling women and how we don't think we deserve happiness and a nice guy? Doesn't this whole thing play right into that?
I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad about this rather than having the wonderful, communicative weekend with her I know you wanted. I hope and wish that your WAW would come to her senses, realize what a good guy you are and how much you love her, and get herself some C or whatever she needs to get through this so that you two can walk hand-in-hand together on the other side. And even if she "forgives" you for this incident, without her doing some serious soul-searching there will be another incident down the line that will be yet another "final nail in the coffin" as she puts it. And now we're back to you walking on eggshells all the time, and her controlling you with her anger, and a few years go by and you're feeling powerless and resentful again and...see where I'm going?
So, just hang in there for now, okay? The good thing about us controlling beotches is we usually know what control freaks we are, we do spend a lot of time blaming ourselves, and sometimes we even come to our senses before it's too late. Yes, I'll pray for you today, DBR, and for your WAW too.
P.S. I'm dying to know what you put under her door.
Quote: P.S. I'm dying to know what you put under her door.
I put some pictures I always keep with me, a note she wrote me years ago about things she'd promise to do in our R, and my wedding ring in an envelope under her door. A package of broken promises, if you will.
Five minutes after I did it I knew it was a total bonehead power passive aggressive move. I have swallowed a lot of mixed messages and jabs here and there, but had to vent. I guess after the past few weeks I just blew a gasket.
I have had some time to think about why I reacted that way. First, after the good things of last week I felt completely in the dark this week. Second, there have been several times when I have been there for her, but she hasn't been there for me. The car episode was one where I was there for her, and after a very tough week at work, I wanted her to be there for me for just a quick dinner. Back in February I had taken care of her and her SUV after a big snow storm. That same day my grandmother died and I had to fly out of town on very short notice. WAW said she'd take me to the airport because my car was still buried in the snow. That next morning she never answered when I called her. She had been out the night before with friends. Needless to say I had to dig out and rush to my flight. She later said she was sorry, but she was really tired, and I should have come and knocked on her door. But...that I should know she'll be there for me.
Today we talked briefly and she's still VERY mad and angry at me. I told her that I actually wanted her to yell at me because I know how dumb it was...that I wasn't going to walk on egg shells about it or ask to be forgiven. Let me have it!!! She said that it was the worst possible way to communicate a problem, and was something an 8th grader would do. She added that I tell her I want to be friends in the future, but stuff like this will make that impossible. Plus, this has essentially wiped out the good things I've done for her the past several weeks...and that I've not really changed at all.
She closed by saying that she doesn't think we should talk for several days until she calms down. She was sorry this is happening around our b-days, but she is very PO'ed and just doesn't know what to do/say with me right now. I plan on giving her that space and just waiting until then to talk.
So right now...I'd say that a couple of months of hard work and really trying to reconnect are washed away. I feel really terrible about it...more than words can probably express right now.
Last edited by DBrookie; 04/05/0412:06 AM.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
