liked your post and it brought up a few issues I have; I'm spreading myself thin right now, trying to solve everyone's problems, it's too much.
I'm scared of what it is doing to me; I find I can't remember certain things, like they are blacked-out. Maybe I'm getting Alzheimer's or I'm too stressed!
Quote: H clearly is stating what he wants and doesn't want in a future R with me. Duh.....if this is what I want....a new future with H, I've got to continue to work on ME. I've also got to tell him what I expect in a R with him. We have so much to cover, if this is going to work. This was a hard morning, but it revealed that H does want to have something of high quality with me. This is huge.
Yes, step back, your H is putting up signs, very clearly! You can do this! This is wonderful news! I'm so happy for you!
Mooka....so sorry I have not kept up with you...it sounds like things are so GREAT for you and your H...I am so happy..
I think you posted to me awhile back..so you know my m is healing back together......and just 6 mos. ago I thought it was heading to d court..take it slow and I am not sure I believe in some of the dbing advice..if he calls, I would answer the phone..if he asks me out, I'd go in a heartbeat..
YOu are doing great..things are looking up
Sue p.s. I forgot that you are pretty close to me..here's my email if you would like to chat!!sm0930@aol.com It is zeros not the letter O's!!
Wowwee! ... I got one thing from that long post ...
The man is looking at ways to make the R work! ... to make it better instead of running from it!!!
He coulda kept quiet and said she's never gonna change and backed off in the opposite direction, but no ...
he choose to try to work with you by sharing his insights in hopes that in the future you two can get along better. It sounds like you now have a common goal! ... and as long as each sees the other making an effort to move closer to that goal ... the closer you will continue to draw each other. ... and that's why it OK to him that you bring up your share of R-Talks now. ... but keep it in balance. Use the DBing guidelines. Keep to one topic at a time ... use "I" statements ... avoid casting blame ... validate ... validate ... validate ... but don't be afraid to tell him what you want (notice I didn't say "ask" ) ... just but it out there as a way of expressing somehthing you want to share rather than directly asking something of him. For instance, "H, at some point I would like to see us as duo that does/doesn't ... " Let him hear it once and let it go and allow him some time to come back and offer it in his way.
Heed his words carefully, and be consistant with your 180's to show him you're working on it, not to mention doing it for yourself so you can lead a more stress free life!!!
Mooka, looks to me like you're gonna get a chance to "fix" this together...
I'm coming over as you requested. I didn't read your whole thread so forgive me if something has already been covered.
Here's what I see: He is giving you a roadmap for changes. This is fantastic! Listen VERY carefully to what he tells you...even if you don't agree with it. It is his reality, so listen very carefully.
Something that helped me along the way was to realize that, when I feel overwhelmed by things (and I think that many times we women get a lot of responsibility dumped on us), I don't have to complain or express to H how I feel. I started to lean on my friends more for venting and to have a sympathetic ear.
I think that what happens is that we start to feel overwhelmed so the first person we talk to about this is our H. After all, aren't we supposed to be partners in all of this? Then I believe that they don't know what to do for us, they start to feel pressured and perceive us as complainers and then they feel that the best solution is to get away from us. So I take my complaints to my sympathetic friends which puts me in a better place to communicate more logically and less emotionally with H. I now find myself complaining less to him and taking action more.
Thanks for coming by my thread. I'll keep checking on you.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Quote: Revelation time: I AM BLOWN BACK TO MY OLD HABITS WHEN STRESSED!
This is a great thing to be aware of-- but also keep it perspective: who is this NOT true of? Oh, I am sure there are people out there, but for many of us, this is exactly the time we fall into old patterns... so be gentle with yourself as you step back and make one change then another. Much more manageable.
You're doing so great here, Mooka. And Sue makes a good point about the DB 'rules'... do what works. And if not saying you want to spend an evening with your H creates a problem that isn't there, then it doesn't work. One thing that is tough to remember is that when the sitch starts to change, sometimes there are adjustments we need to make in our approach. Of course, Michelle points out wisely in DR that we need to do that slowly and cautiously when they start to show interest again... but sometimes we do need to change a thing or two...
You're on the right track, for sure. Just slow down and keep moving!!
Oh Man oh Man....such wonderful support and insightful advice from all of you!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Deb...I too, get blacked out on reading different posts from time to time and spreading myself so thin....but thanks for you continued interest and positive feedback. It means so much, that you'll visit from time to time.
Sue (Hoping)....your wise words, a voice of experience touches me deeply. Thanks for catching up and taking the time to respond. I agree with your thoughts are starting to show interest and follow h's lead for R talking. I will email you further, as I follow your thread and healing M very closely. Quite a role-model for me!!
KAW...those specifis are really on target for me. Those "I statement"....are a 180 for me....it's work, but soooo necessary. Thanks for the reminder to re-read the specifics of DR that require making adjustments along the way. Your encouragement and pointing out the that H wants to work on this together....really warmed my heart!!
Nik...xOW is truly an issue for me. H has not opened that door...even brought anything up about her or our ugly past encounter (1 yr ago last week-end)....so...I will patiently wait for an opening and then tread lightly....it will one day have to be resolved for me....FOR SURE! I know she is not in the picture....at least personally....she may not even be working for the Co. anymore....there are absolutely NO signs of her or any other W. Whatever was there must have fizzled a while back....will cross that bridge when the time's right.
Christine...thanks for checking in on my sitch. A lot to cover, but the brief review and on-target insights help a lot. The roadmap concept makes sense. Totally forgot to look at the progress from that standpoint. Loved the reminder to listen carefully....take it in...even if I don't agree with it all....VALIDATE, constant work in progress. You are right....his thoughts are HIS current REALITY...and I need to better understand that. Thanks you.
And Wonder....
Quote: Just slow down and keep moving!!
This is soooo true. Gotta take things slow....patience even more important now that I have real hope. I need to be aware of adjusting things...as you, KAW and Sue reminded me of.
You all have lifted my spirits tremendously.
I read a brief chapter on "conquering fear" this morning in one of my Christian booklets....about letting go of fear...fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes, fear of not being loved, fear of trying new things, etc. We need not battle fear, but embrace God's love...that's waht He wants for us and will give it unconditionally. To trust Him more....love Him more....and give up the fears. He is there to protect us, if we believe. THE NATURE OF GOD
Just wanted to share that....it hit home with me this morning.
A heartfelt thanks to all my DBer friends out there in cyberspace!!
Just gettin caught up with your sitch. Glad to hear your H continues to "inch" his way back into something more meaningful. You're doing a great job, think of where you were as little as a few months ago, things have turned for the better..
KEEP doing what WORKS to draw someone back towards you..let him initiaite, plan, talk, pursue his way right back into your arms and interject a subtle little dose of "hard to get.. " now and then to wet his appetite..
I would tend to agree with your H when he suggests you take all these events coming up this summer ONE AT A TIME, that helps lower your stress level, and take the PRESSURE off everyone involved, and we know how important RELIEVING PRESSURE is when you are attempting a reconciliation with a wayward spouse...
Seems like your H is making some sincere attempts and righting the ship, don't expect to much to soon. As Nik would tend to agree, you can't run a marathon in an hour, its ONE STEP AT A TIME.
You seem to have it down, have a great summer! I look forward to more good things happening to you as long as you stick to the golden rules of how to act around him at ALL TIMES..
...
... and as long as each sees the other making an effort to move closer to that goal ... the closer you will continue to draw each other. 
... and that's why it OK to him that you bring up your share of R-Talks now. ... but keep it in balance. Use the DBing guidelines. Keep to one topic at a time ... use "I" statements ... avoid casting blame ... validate ... validate ... validate ... but don't be afraid to tell him what you want (notice I didn't say "ask" ) ... just but it out there as a way of expressing somehthing you want to share rather than directly asking something of him. For instance, "H, at some point I would like to see us as duo that does/doesn't ... " Let him hear it once and let it go and allow him some time to come back and offer it in his way.