Here are the questions we were talking about. I know a lot of this is specific to my particular R. If anyone else would like to comment please feel free.
I would also like your opinion about my asking W to pick me up from the hospital (see above).
- Given I take care of myself first, Currently my act as if is that I'm her friend and I continue to do stuff for her, should I detach a little more now before papers go any further or wait to see if papers go further before detaching and pulling away from her more?
- Given I take care of myself first, During any of this journey, do you think if I stop initiating contact it will likely make my chance of reconciliation worse given her business and OM distractions or is this just a matter of priorities?
- I would like to talk with her sister when she is here in one week. Maybe ask her to read DR and talk about my feelings and thoughts. Given what you know about each of them, do you think this would be wise or not to drawing W back? Sister may already be telling her she doesn’t agree with decision W is making but supports her in whatever W decides.
- I would also like to talk with her father about my efforts over the past 6 months, I realize my mistakes in past, I have remained committed to her, I love her, and I ask that if she wants to push papers forward that he does not assist her financially (quit enabling). I would like to tell both sister and father how I would envision the future for us if W would allow us an opportunity (good things) and how I’ve changed.
- She feels tremendous guilt. I don't know if this guilt she feels is preventing W from thinking clearly about reconciliation? Is guilt always a roadblock for WAS to reconsider reconciliation? Do I need to alleviate this guilt before she considers reconciliation? Too many emotions to think clearly? Should I communicate I’ve already forgiven her, I’m not holding any resentment, I’m not holding anything over her head, and I’m not looking to extract a pound of flesh? Either in letter form, on phone, or directly face to face?
- I’ve written a type of validation and acceptance letter, sort of a Dobson letter. If papers go further, I’m thinking of giving it as LRT? Most likely only if papers go further? Then detach more and move on?
Sorry for so many questions Laurie, I feel I may be faced with these questions soon and don’t have many chances or time left. I really appreciate your help! Thanks again!
Hey Seattle, that finger doesn't seem to be hurting your typing abilities LOL! Laurie left a note for you on my thread the other day and said she'd be away for a bit but wants to know how to get to you. Guess she doesn't know your thread name. I'll post it there coz I'm gonna close mine out tonight and start a new one coz I'm long over the posting amount.
Quote: She feels tremendous guilt. I don't know if this guilt she feels is preventing W from thinking clearly about reconciliation? Is guilt always a roadblock for WAS to reconsider reconciliation? Do I need to alleviate this guilt before she considers reconciliation? Too many emotions to think clearly? Should I communicate I’ve already forgiven her, I’m not holding any resentment, I’m not holding anything over her head, and I’m not looking to extract a pound of flesh? Either in letter form, on phone, or directly face to face
I'm no expert here but I definitely believe that forgiveness is a major part of the healing and acceptance. I have told my H a lot of what you said here and mean it (not just words) but it hasn't made a difference yet. I also believe that it helps the detachment process because you have freed yourself from that guilt yourself. It is somewhat cleansing to say it to them even if they don't believe it. I TOTALLY agree that the resentment/anger they are harboring is causing the "roadblock" (if you will) from us reaching them. I know for a fact that is a MAJOR distraction in my sitch. My H hasn't forgiven me and it is supressing any feelings of love he has for me. Think about it, isn't that why we doubt ourselves sometimes? We have some type of pain that is still lingering and makes it hard for us to reach out from time to time to them?
I'm not up on your relations w/her family but I don't think it would be wise to include them in the DBing efforts. I think it would be wise to leave them out of it and not comment about your M to them at all (regardless of how close you think you may be w/them). From my personal experience, I invited many talks w/FIL and thought it would help but being from the same mold (H and FIL), I didn't really gain much support to help the effort. In some ways FIL stepped in but it wasn't a help. I think it was more of a "push" for my H to think of more stuff and get on w/his decisions. Just my insight.
Well, hope the finger feels better soon and you can get W to help you w/transportation. Take care. Tootles........
So sorry to hear about the finger accident! But, it does seem like a good opportunity to open a door for W to give what she might be comfortable with giving right now. I hope that goes well for you.
Karen makes good points above. Forgiveness is really important. And of course the guilt and the resentment and anger are all going to be roadblocks until she is able and willing to sort out those feelings. Some of these WAS seem like they would rather throw out the baby just to avoid feeling the temperature of the bathwater!
You can't "take away" her guilt, though, so don't fool yourself. She needs to work through that on her own. You can let her know you are working on your stuff and that you forgive her for any things that you both agree she's "done". Be the safe friend as best you can. My experience has been that a certain degree of detachment is needed to be able to do this consistently.
I'd also advise not talking to her family in this way. It could very well seem intrusive and pressuring, even controlling, to her. I think it's OK to show your changes to her family if you have the opportunity and to let them see (don't tell them) how much you love and care for her. Let them see-- and make their own opinions. But don't even give the appearance of enlisting them to your cause.
Seattle, sometimes you seem to be struggling so hard against what you know you need to do, both for W and for you: give her a bit of space and detach from the things that aren't yours to control. I've tended to do the exact same thing, so I'm not hitting you with the 2x4, just a little switch.
It all feels ridiculously difficult sometimes, and I can feel the emotion in your post. But hey, look how strong you are-- I know you're up to it.
Just checking...hope your finger is doing okay and that you'll be able to chat w/us again soon. How did things turn out? (((((())))) Tootles...........
I haven't posted for a few days to your thread because I had Lasik on Friday. I hope your finger surgery goes well. Keep us posted!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Dear Seattle, First, as far as detaching (or going dark), where has the “dark” gotten you so far at this point? Has she pursued you a bit more? If so, your going dark (yet responding in a friendly manner when she calls/contacts you) may be getting her attention. We talked about your going more dark since you had being “walked upon”. How are you feeling about that right now?
Regarding the sister and what you told me how your W feels about her….here is my question: Would your collusion with the sis be looked at as a positive or negative by your W? And how would your W’s response to that collusion impact her R with you? The same question need to be addressed in regard to her father.
In regards to your W’s guilt, do you believe she feels you would never forgive her nor consider moving forward with her? If you feel you need to express this, I would encourage you to do it in a way that is non-pressuring re: the M. Does that make sense?
Regarding the papers: It’s too soon to answer that. You’re not there yet and we’re not quite sure what your sitch will look like at that point, so let’s address that then, OK?
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
