I wanted to bring this post from CeMar out from another thread because I felt it was important enough to stand on its own.
From CeMar:
cattlekid:
Are you developing sexual aversion? Is it because of his style? Or maybe you generally are just ticked off at him in the relationship? Or is it becuase he is not romantic enough for you? There is a lot of difference between romance and sex. My wife wants romance, but not really sex.
I'm the LD partner and have had a fantastic sexual relationship pre-H with a partner who knew how to push every single one of my buttons in the right way.
Push the right buttons? Does this mean you have a problem with arousal and maybe always have? This would mean you ARE LD. If you rely upon the other spouse to get you in the mood, then this would be a trait of LD's. HD people really never need to "Get in the mood" as we pretty much are always in the mood.
Why does he flip out when you suggest something different in bed? A trait of HD guys is they like as much variety as they can get. If our wives want to try soemthing new, we are all for it usually. And soemthing else, why would he not want to do something to please you? The most important part of sex is not getting our own rocks off, but to drive the wife insane with pleasure. Heck, I would love to give the wife head 3 times a day if she would give me sex 3 times a WEEK!
--------------------------------------------------------- New information here....
1. Am I developing sexual aversion? Probably. Sex with H is ho-hum at best. Due to some body issues (mostly his), we can only ML in a couple of positions. It's to the point where it is like "cookbook sex".
2. Is it because of his style? Yes, or lack thereof.
3. Am I generally ticked off at the relationship? Usually. But from what I have read here, if I can satisfy H in the ML department, I think I will then have a leg to stand on to request some changes in the rest of the R. But until then anything I ask him to change is met with nothing but resistance.
4. Is he not romantic enough for you? Yeppers. For me, if I am romanced, sex comes easy for me. Not so much when (like today), I am greeted when I came home with a "I should kill you where you stand" when I told him that I don't know where his sunglasses are. He always says that he says those type of things in jest but they really begin to piss me off after a while. I've told him as much but he says I am being too dramatic. Such is the stalemate of my life.
5. Do I have an arousal problem? Not IMHO. But then again, what constitutes a problem? I have no problem with arousal if approached correctly, but H has the finesse of a bull in a china shop then he gets mad if I gently suggest some corrective actions. I know I'm the LD that's not the issue here. The issue is how to turn my desire around...of course, it would help if I could get my hands on a copy of the book again (had to return mine to the library yesterday before I could get through chapter 4).
6. I think part of the reason that he flips out when I suggest something new is that I have had more sexual partners in the past than he has (this is my second M, his first and I also had a bit of a wild past in college). So I think he feels like if I suggest something new, it was something that I did with someone else and it is a threat to his manhood or gosh knows what.
7. Why would he not want to do something to please you? Who the hell knows...I think what he wants is a sure-fire, 100% way to always turn me on. And sometimes what turned me on yesterday isn't doing it for me today. That's when we really get into huge fights. I don't think I should have to explain why a certain touch or manuever doesn't feel good on one day or the next and he thinks that if it feels good one day, it should feel good every day after that.
Aaargh!! I just wish that things could be easier...everything I try seems to be met with resistance no matter what I do....
1. I may be HD, but suppose sex were available, but I didn't like the way my wife treats me in general, and didn't think she cared what I wanted in sex. That would be really difficult.
2. It might be good to have sex anyway and try not to get bitter about it. But in some ways, that feels like the same compromise I'm making when I stay married and don't have sex. I suspect it might allow the compromise to involve less physical tension, at least.
1. I may be HD, but suppose sex were available, but I didn't like the way my wife treats me in general, and didn't think she cared what I wanted in sex. That would be really difficult.
2. It might be good to have sex anyway and try not to get bitter about it. But in some ways, that feels like the same compromise I'm making when I stay married and don't have sex. I suspect it might allow the compromise to involve less physical tension, at least.
This seems like it's about a lot more than sex.
Jonathan,
Thanks for your reply. I agree totally with your second point. I made a goal last week of accepting all offers for sex for the next two weeks as a starting point. Of course, H has not approached me for sex since I made that goal...go figure.
And yes, this is more than about just sex. But anytime I try to discuss anything that isn't about sex, H either accuses me of being overly dramatic (when I simply ask for something like "stop teasing me"). Basically, he shows no interest in changing the parts of the R that drive me up a wall. So I figure I have to work on fixing the sex part of the R before he will be willing to listen to me regarding the rest of the R. But like you said, it's difficult to really get fired up about sex when the sex itself isn't so hot.
You have resentment for your hubby building. This will give you sexual aversion. The process that both of you must go through is to start meeting each others needs. You need to see some behavioral changes from hubby in the way he treats you. He should never be making the comments he makes. Sarcasm is actually a bad sign in a marriage, so you need to get him to stop that cr#p. You may need to get marriage counselling. Then you can start addressing the sex issues. This is an overal marriage tune-up, not just a sex tune-up.
Quote: You may need to get marriage counselling. Then you can start addressing the sex issues. This is an overal marriage tune-up, not just a sex tune-up.
We did do the C thing last summer prior to our wedding. H did not want to listen to a single blasted thing the C had to say. He would sit in her office and agree with everything she said then nothing would change from week to week. He thought she took my side when in fact I think she was trying to get him to see exactly that...that his actions are making me resentful of him and that it wasn't going to get him any sack time any time soon.
I may be way off base here, but I'd recommend you keep a close eye on H... he sounds like he has abusive tendencies...
I don't feel that H is abusive. Yes, he does not know how to speak my LLs and yes, he can be an ass a large majority of the time. But mostly I chalk it up to his upbringing. His mother did the same thing...in fact she calls him an a-hole to his face (and in front of me) and then laughs it off by saying "I don't call my son anything that I wouldn't call his father". Sure, whatever, that still doesn't make it right. So he has no clue how to relate to women. And his best friend is the epitome of the worst male chauvinist that I have ever seen. So he gets a lot of reinforcement for his negative behavior.
I have begun to fight fire with fire where before I would get defensive when he starts with his "jokes". Now, I tell him in no uncertain terms that his language isn't going to be tolerated. If he's in a pissy mood, he can go to the gym and lift weights. I'm not his verbal punching bag.
He is a good guy and we can repair this R. But either the change has to come from me only or I have to share SSM with him. I'm not sure how he will take it.
It would feel good to get this out in the open but I fear that my failed past attempts will just doom this attempt also unless I make it covert...
