I am very new to this board but have had the SSM for over a year now. I read it at night after my H has rolled over and started snoring (usually at about 8 - 8:30 pm - I feel like a single mom). I read it in tears usually after my last child has gone to bed and I am alone as usual. The other night H actually made it to as late as 9:30 so i hopped into bed beside him (hopefully for some action) and he PATTED ME ON THE HEAD(!!!) and began to snore. I was up till midnight reading SSM. It brings me great comfort. Don't get me wrong - I love my H but i cannot stand the freeze out and he sees nothing wrong with it. Pardon me while i vent. We used to have an adequate sex life but he has hypertension and the doctor gave him HCTZ (which is very notable for these types of side effects). When I asked him to ask his doctor for something else instead to treat the hypertension, the doctor asked him why sex was so important to him(!!! - can you believe that!) So that was 2 years ago and we struggle with every other month if I am lucky. Now I am trying to wait for another 2 weeks to bring the subject up again because he has a very important work deadline coming up and I don't want to press him on this right now.
He seems to see nothing wrong with us but he senses my unhappiness. We really have a great life with a great family but this is very painful for me. I keep hoping things will change between us for the better. He tells me I am his best friend but I am beginning to not even want to be near him. How could he be so insensitive to my needs. I have tried everything - killing him with kindness, telling him outright and crying and yelling, nothing seems to get his attention. This has been going on for at least 9 years now. We have ML once this whole year.
I started a new thread for you because I almost did not notice your post and others may have missed it too. With this new thread, you will probably get more replies and support from fellow HD sufferers.
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Like you, I am the HD wife and my H is fond of patting my head too. Not that I am complaining. Any touching from him is most welcome.
This is a good place for you to come and vent and get some support. I am not sure about getting solutions though but you will learn much and get many ideas from others who are sharing their experiences. Just knowing that you are not alone is support enough.
Sorry I would like to post more but am busy right now. Just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. I am sure the others will chip in with some ideas for you soon.
Hi Lonestar - I'm new here, too. I just want you to know you're not alone. I can relate to the hubby always being "too tired" - though mine has, thankfully, never patted me on the head. He usually just rolls over without even touching me at all!
I've only been posting here for a day but this place has already been a huge help. I hope it helps you, too.
Sorry to hear another sad story. I did want to share the information about HCTZ (Hydrochlorothiazide) is a diuretic (water pill) used to treat hypertension, but does not have loss of libido, or impotence listed as a common side effect. Other drugs used for the treatment of hypertension do often have sexual side effects, but not commonly HCTZ. Just wanted to put that out there for information!! Have you read the Five Love Languages yet??
Here's a comment on some things you said in the earlier thread.
Quote: We will work on that in a few weeks when his deadline is over.
You mean a work deadline? When I'm in panic mode over a deadline, and it looks like it is going to be tough to meet the deadline, everything else can fall by the wayside. It's raw survival. My wife has never put me to the test, but I imagine that if she initiated when I'm in that phase, even I might not be very responsive.
Quote: I'm sorry if I sounded angry - I have had NO ONE to vent about this because I didn't want to embarrass him.
Please vent here, it's good to be gentle with your husband. Gentle and loving, but without dropping the issue, or even letting it slide for long periods. Because a spouse in avoidance mode can avoid the issue for years at a time.
Thanks guys for your comments. I really appreciate the opportunity to vent and get help as I have no one else to talk to about this.
My husband does have a very important work deadline that will be over in 2 weeks so I am just letting things ride and trying to get along for now so he won't have any more pressure on him - he's got enough going on now. But I find myself having dreams about not being married and waking up wondering what is going on in my head. Is this normal? I would never dream of ever ever cheating on him and yet I think so much about other men.
also, as far as the HCTZ issue, I asked my doctor ( who is an alternative med doctor and has helped me so much when it comes to menopause) and she said HCTZ is notorious for causing sexual problems. I believe this is a physical issue because my mother-in-law has even mentioned in the past that my father-in-law didn't touch her for almost 25 years. The problem is that H won't get any blood work or visit a doctor about this. He did a few years ago and his doctor only asked him why sex was so important to him! Boy, that didn't help much! He was even reading a diet book that mentioned problems with ED at his age and suggested testosterone cream. My doctor said she would be glad to prescribe that for him but only if he came in for a visit and had some blood work done. So I nagged for a few months about it and once again, he did nothing. Also I mentioned that maybe he was depressed, could he try something for depression and he was adamant that he would not. Well, I'm not a big fan of anti-depressants but St. John's Wort was a great help to me but he won't even consider that. My mother-in-law is on Prozac - there seems to be a big streak of depression on his side of the family but he won't deal with that issue either. So I'm rather stuck in a rut here with him. Don't have a clue where to go from here. Maybe when I can calm down I might actually read more chapters from SSM other than the chapters that I use to commiserate with!
Quote from lonestaraggie: I would never dream of ever ever cheating on him and yet I think so much about other men. I think it is a common pattern with all the HDs on this forum. We are loyal to our LDs but we look at every other wo/man we see in the street and wonder... SD - Somewhere in the wide world must be the perfect match for me yet I did not manage to find her among the three women I dated.
We all have that daydream, about not being married to the person we have.
My, more pleasant daydream, is that my W suddenly realizes how great ML is, and becomes a HD nymphomaniac. And she inherits a lot of money. And I gain the power to control time, fly, and become invisible.
Be patient, be firm, be strong, and try to be happy.
