I thought I would make my title lighthearted this time, and since I really like my new nickname - I thought it fitting. My old thread is The Owl and the Pussycat. In it, my H came home for six weeks, I went back to more of the same, and he left again after a horrific fight. So now I am starting over - I have an apartment, and he is helping me pack up and move in this weekend. He was going to call a lawyer today, but I understand he was probably busy and still feeling a little shell-shocked himself.
I am actually looking forward to moving our 20-month-old S and I into this new place. It will feel safe in a way this house can't. It is a home I can create slowly, and a place for me to find peace.
So what are the goals for now? 1) Well, going dark isn't really an option for me, so my goal for H is to keep every interaction as pleasant/neutral as I can. I am trying to look at him and treat him as I would a friend right now. That's hard, but it seems to make it easier to talk to and interact with him. 2) Get S and I settled in the new place - stuff put away, things organized. I have a lot to do in that way here at the old house, but H has kindly let me know he will come over and help,. That will be hard, but the truth is, I need the help, so I am taking it. 3) Do something I enjoy every day, whether that be reading a book, renting a movie, eating out with a friend, whatever. 4) Eventually after finances settle down and I get the tax refund back, pay off my school debt and finish my degree.
I am trying to rebuild my life, with the help of a counselor (still working on that one), and my family and friends. I really don't have any particular expectations or hopes for my M. I hope my H and I can maintain a friendship, whatever happens. It will be hard if he chooses to go ahead with filing the papers (at this point, I believe he will), but I will get through it. I have lots of great support both on and off this BB, and as I wrote in an unsent e-mail to Dustin tonight (just not the time to send something like that, but it felt good to write it) "I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go." I am inching slowly forward (not to borrow Mer's thread themes) towards my own future. I want my S to have a peaceful life and a loving family, no matter where the people in it live. Welcome to the new place...sit down and relax. I am hoping the ride will be a little more peaceful from now on. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Thanks for the greetings, everyone! A thought occured to me this morning...if H were to show interest at some point in the future, I would have to take it VERY slowly - like, I think I would probably not want to live together until we had been building our relationship/dating for at least a year. I am not going to say anything about this to him, since he hasn't given me any indication he would be interested in a relationship with me, now or in the future, but this is just my little standard that I may apply to any relationship. I need to be able to get to know another person slowly, so I don't lose myself and my needs in trying to please them and make them happy. I keep repeating in my head, "You will be okay." Everything hurts really bad right now, and I know it may hurt much worse before it gets better, but I will be okay. I will be able to create peace for myself and my S, and a better life. I will be okay. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Take care of yourself and your son Myrrh. You are going to be ok. Sounds like you've recentered and have identified what steps need to be taken for your own self improvement. Take it one day at a time.
