Merrick, I can't really advise you but I just want to say that I really do admire you for fighting so very hard for your M. You are no where near stupid. (((((((()))))))))))
It helps me to just say in my head when H is acting up, nice try Satan. You have got him but I will resist you. I try to stay away from anything thai I consider to be confrontational.
My Lasik isn't until 12:30 so I am occupying my time here on the board to relieve minor anxiety. First, it seems that it would be a 180 next time she mockingly asks for to agree. What if you said in a really friendly or a flirtatious and upbeat tone, "Sure!" You might even add something like, "I always enjoyed our little romps!"...or however you would say it. I wonder if that would stop her cold in her tracks. What do you think?
As for the attorney and moving out dialogue, here's my take. If I were in this sitch, I would probably take the attitude that she is the one who wants a D so, therefore, she is the one that must do all of the work. That's what I did in my sitch. I would not be inclined to help the process along in any way shape or form. I would continue acting "as if" everything will work out. This was difficult and my H accused me of being delusional, but something worked in my sitch. Yes, she must come up with her "freedom" plan on her own. You don't have to be antagonistic about it and you don't have to throw it back into her face either. You can just wait and see what her atty says and what W comes up with. I think that, if it were me going into a meeting with atty, then I would probably take on a passive role. I would let him/her talk to me and I would not volunteer any assistance or information. If I were asked what I was planning to do, I would probably say either, "I don't know. I haven't thought about that yet." or "I am planning to work things out to avoid D." The "I don't know" response worked really well for me with my H. Whenever he would start questioning me about "my" D plans, I would just say, "I don't know" and he would usually move on to some other topic to argue. I always believed that this was imposed on me against my will and I didn't have to be an accomplice to his craziness. Yes, I had a "plan B" thought out, but he never knew about it. As far as H was concerned, I was living in a delusional fantasy that we weren't going to D. Well, that delusional fantasy became the reality, so don't give up, Merrick.
Oh, one last thing that I had to learn quickly and it made a difference for me. Check your pride at the door. Resist the urge to be defensive. If W says something that is clearly wrong, don't present your side of things. If you don't agree with it, you don't have to say anything...just don't contradict what she says. For example, if she says that you are a bad father for putting your kids through this, don't come up with a rebuttal about how D would be worse and here are all the examples of how you are a good father. When she is like this, I guarantee that ANYTHING that comes out of your mouth will be perceived as a fight against her. You can't logically reason with an unreasonable person. Try to let it go and she will perceive you to be less resistant and argumentative. I learned that all the eloquence in the world would not make a speck of difference in these sitchs. Logic is a foreign language to WAS. They are operating from an emotional position and words are absolutely meaningless.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Thanks for your time Christine. You see well, even before Lasik. Your advice is soemthing I generally follow, right down to the very words you use. I also have no intention of negotiating with her attorney until I see a proposal signed off by W--and I will tell her attorney as much.
I really like your idea!!!
The hardest thing for me is her pursuit and the way she uses the kids' health as a weapon and then accuses me of using them as pawns. If I say something, she bites! I say nothing, she says it's the same old Merrick ignoring the problem. And the "blood on my hands" remarks if she cracks due to my presence are just way overbaord. She uses this line with all her relatives, who then come to me and say that I have to do something and leave to end this insanity. I'm goingto stop talking to them altogether. Why don't they take her on a housemate? In my view, there are no ifs, ands , or buts. the woman is sick and needs help.
God, please give me the strength to keep doing this.
(((Merrick))))))))) not much more to offer today. Kind of on a low PMA. Just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great thing putting up w/abusive verbal treatment that W gives you. God is with you and giving you strength to carry on.
I like Christine's idea of telling W yes next time she asks if you want . That would be a real kicker!!! lol Tootles...........
Thanks Karen. I've got more lady friends now than I have in the past 15 years!
I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about OM, but does anyone think the love making remarks and statement about me not saying ILY suugest her old EA is now a PA? Not that it changes anything, but merely as a window into her state of mind.
Christine has put it so eloquently that I won't even try to reiterate any of it, but wanted to let you know that this approach also helped in my sitch too.
Would it be an extreme 180, if when she says do you want some of this, you say nothing, maintain a glaring eye contact the whole you walked right up to her and gave her a firm passonate kiss for a few seconds ... then took a step back and say, "I can't think of anything that I would rather do than with you, but there is one thing that is more important to me and that is ... I still believe we have a chance at a good M together. So I will continue to be a gentleman until such time, eventho I'll be fighting back the urge to ravish you!" Would that be the farthest reaction from what she would expect? Would that give her something to think about?
... or at the very least, when she disrobes, give her a wink and say, "You never looked better!".
I'm getting the sense that you are trying to avoid interacting with your WAW to avoid confrontation. While you need to detach from the drama in her head, you still need to be engaged in validating that she still has to deal with her drama and keep "killing" her with kindness whether she wants it or not!!!
Where would I be without you folks? (doing my work as I'm supposed to ).
Thanks for stiffening the spine and keeping my heart warm. All your advice is well taken. ABC--I bagged the e-mail. Thanks for setting me straight. Let my actions speak louder than words.
I'm picking up the opposite, that her EA (which may have been a PA) is starting to end, and she no longer has a support structure from OM. She is looking for that support, but has told herself she doesn't want it from you, but still needs it. She may be getting sexually frustrated from OM - and now you, not giving her any?
It's confusing to type and think about, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to live such conflicting emotions; to have decided to D someone, but desire affirmation from them, but get angry when affirmation is given, and then get angry when they are not given affirmation because the need it, and around, and around, and around....... feeling a little dizzy now.
Try not to read too much into the glimpses you get of her game. She has pieces on a different board you really don't want to know about. Keep your focus on your game and remember you are playing to play, not to win, so you don't need to know her strategy to win. If she wins, you both loose, but she will never understand that until she stops playing to win.
to agree. What if you said in a really friendly or a flirtatious and upbeat tone, "Sure!" You might even add something like, "I always enjoyed our little romps!"...or however you would say it. I wonder if that would stop her cold in her tracks. What do you think?
feeling a little dizzy now.