When you are having great frequent sex, this will add somewhat to the marriage. But if your sex life sucks, then the sex problems alone will very likely destroy your marriage. Sex is how you measure the health of a marriage. There was a show on tv where they brought in three couples with marital issues infront of a panel of experts in relationships. The first question they asked these couples was specifically aimed at the husband. They always asked him, "How is your sex life". Marital problems will always surface as sexual problems, and sexual problems will always surface as marital problems. It's a chicken or egg thing. But if you have sexual problems, it is almost certain that there is marital problem!
I would agree with that statement and in my sitch, I'm sure it had to do with the fact that we let ourselves become individuals in the R. My W and I have a strict rule where we are not allowed to analyze which came first...her decrease in sex or my withdrawal. I know the answer. Neither of us are guilt free here. So we just started reconnecting. She is now telling me that it is very easy for her to work on "her issue" because I've made an obvious reconnection with her and the family. I've committed myself to going to bed with her every night even if it means I get back up after she falls asleep. I've made sure that I come down for family dinners. And I've adjusted my spending towards family things instead of my bike stuff. She says she's motivated to change now. I have to be very careful not to blow it now because I'm awfully impatient.
Doesn't that just sound peachy? So why am I here screaming and ranting? The effort I'm putting back into the R is like revving the engine at a high RPM. It's burning my fuel quickly and I'm not getting the fuel back. I'm also running the engine with no oil because I'm still a little hopeless.
The process is painful. We both feel like we are walking on eggs. She feels like she's going to get in trouble for little things like not maintaining eye contact with me or sitting too far away. She's not a big picture person...she wants to know the specific behaviors of a "loving" wife. If I told her, she would feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm walking on eggs because I'm terrified that leaving my shoes out will result in her withholding the "desire signs" that keep me fueled. I so desperately need the "desire signs" that I'm almost paralyzed and have been burning myself out by doing ALL the LLs...not just the important ones.
I keep telling myself that this takes a cool consistency. Hopefully I will be a better person because of this exercise.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
