I know that several people have posted that I need to deal with the financial issues (truck, cell phone) at this point and that the divorce decision should be separate. I don't feel that separating the two is possible. The minute I have the truck repo'd and the cell phone disconnected, I have effectively ended my marriage as well.
I'll need to deal with the truck on Mon. I waited until after the last day of the grace period (10 days beyond due date) to see if H would make the payment. It wasn't made, so I now have my first ever late payment at the ripe old age of 46. It just makes me sick. I tried calling H to discuss this, but he won't take/return my calls.
The emotional stuff is hard enough but having to also deal with this is just unbearable.
{{{{COgal}}}} I feel for you COgal. While the emotional stuff can be put on hold for a week or two the financial stuff has to be done on time else it escalates. I wish You well COgal. SD
If it helps, I really think HE ended the marriage, by walking out. Of course, it's not my sitch, so I don't get a vote.
Unfortunately, I don't think you really have much choice about the financial stuff... if you don't separate yourself from him financially IMMEDIATELY, he could ruin you very quickly...
My wife and I have had two separations that lasted over a year, and in each case we made formal financial arrangements. We have come back together, and I think we're doing pretty well (except for that pesky little thing called sex). If you want to keep your options open, call it a separation, and make it clear that you are open to a happy ending.
But separate financially. I've seen too many divorces where the man walks out leaving the woman with all of the debts and none of the assets because the guy was thinking strategically while the woman was thinking about the relationship. Do a good clean financial separation, get yourself in a position where you can function, and then think about the next step.
When we were separated, each time we needed some months to grieve and get some stability. We had light, friendly, careful contact during those months. The second time, we spent a week together in an intensive program called Recovery of Hope, which was offered by the Family Life Resource Center in Harrisonburg, VA. It was extremely helpful, and drastically changed the way we relate to each other.
A separation is just that. Most separations do end in divorce, though, so you have to be intentional if you do not want that to happen.
Quote: The minute I have the truck repo'd and the cell phone disconnected, I have effectively ended my marriage as well.
Classis "all or nothing" thinking. COGal, it's just a truck. It's obvious that he doesn't care what happens to it as he has made no effort to make the payment. If he wants a vehicle, let him go out and find one. There are lots of daily drivers out there for just a few bucks. Not to throw gas on the fire, but I can see him laughing to his hockey buds about his fine ride that his "old lady" is paying for.
A friend of mine used to own a Used Car lot called "Beets Walkin'" with a picture of walking beets on the sign. He sold junkers that he fixed up himself so they were dependable and sturdy, if not the pretties of cars/trucks. They may not have been the best lookin' cars, but it sure beats walkin' to own one. Let him drive one of those.
It will not end your marriage. Your marriage is either already over, or headed that way. Strap on some ovaries and get the job done, sweetheart!
Hairdog, who drives his minivan, but loves his old pickup truck.
Thing is for now you have to think of them as seperate. You have tried to work on the financial parts of the m with his cooperation and received none. All you are doing is taking control of the financial aspects of the r, if he cannot seperate the two that for now is his issue not yours yet.
I say to look at the two as seperate issues because in effect they are. On one hand you are making financial arraingments on the other you/he will be ending a commited r wich entails a whole other gamot of issues.
If it is your intent in no longer paying his bills to rid yourself of him not the bills then so be it. If however that is HIS interpertation then he's mistaken (is he not?)
I say to look at them as seperate issues because this is something you need to do for you and your children (keeping your bills in order and stopping the cycle that is leading to you not having enough to get by) and whether he knows it or not it is something that you need to do for him. He's an adult and needs to take on some responsibility and you are simply no longer choosing to enable him. If in the end he decides that your not paying his bills warrents an end to your relationship well then you deal with that. I'm sure right now he is seeing things in black and white...black= you don't pay the bills he wont be with you...white=you pay the bills he'll be with you. In a sense ultimatums are being thrown around, emotions are running high on both ends but some patience may smooth things out.
It is my hope that he realizes the gift of financial independance you are offering to him.
Well, he finally stepped up to the plate (one of the few times in our marriage) and paid the truck payment. However, I can't live from month to month wondering if he will or if he won't. Now, he wants to try a different counselor instead of the one we've been going to for the last 6 months. I'm not sure if he's looking for someone who will totally buy in to his viewpoint, or if he's sincere about wanting help. He feels our counselor "chose sides" when he consistently refused to do anything she asked of him. He kept offering excuses as to why he wasn't following through, so I'm not really suprised that she quit taking him at his word. I never felt that she was siding with me; I certainly got my butt chewed a few times. I don't have a problem with our current one, but he is adamant about never going to her again. I'm not sure what I want to do or if it's even worth the effort.
