Hi guys: Thanks for the welcome. As per request, some background:
First of all, sorry about KU, I looked at the wrong bracket. Football's my passion.
Background: Both 40, married 17 yrs, met in college, 2 kids, D 14, S 16. I work 35hr/wk. H works about 55hr/wk at a very physically demanding job. The past year and 1/2 has been very stressful. Found out D had life threatening illness. Glad to say things have worked out and D is back in good health.
That is when things began to change. H and I worried more about D (as we should have) than ourselves. Took up most of my energy. I shortened my work hrs. to deal with D, H increase hrs to pay medical bills. Sex was an afterthought. Now that D is better I want to get back to normal. H doesn't want, need, or is afraid to. H hugs/kisses and tells me he loves me every day. But it very rarely goes any further. We have ML 3 times in the past 8 months.
H does nice little things for me EX: I am horrendous at directions. If I need to go somewhere H will always take time out to map my way or drive with me the first time so I don't get lost, without me ever having to ask him to do this. Just nice stuff like that. But when it comes to sex, like reading the book or gettting on this site....NO WAY. Maybe D's illness put a fear in to him that he can't work out. I don't know. All I know is that I need the close contact. The past 2 yrs have been so bad I just want it better. Does this make any sense? KT
Thanks for the background, Katie. I have to leave in about 20 minutes, so I don't have the time to deal with this in depth as it deserves. Anyone else want to chime in? I guess the obvious suggestion is that he could benefit from counseling, but he sure works his butt off...when is he going to fit that in?
3 times in 8 months is bad. You're in the right place, though. Some people here have had it worse, some better.
I won't be on the board until Monday, so I hope you get some good responses between now and then.
Hairdog, who is looking forward to yet another romantic weekend with his W...
Most excellent sense, Katie. Doesn't sound like you and H are really too far off track, but it will take some work to get back on. As I said, first thing is for both to recognize there is a problem, and develop a theory as to what it is. Then comes how to treat it. Has H had any counselling? Sounds like maybe he could use someone to talk to, to work things out...
We did family C to help "D" get through. Even with my H's work hours he never missed a session in 8 months. TX revolved around "D" but C spent a few minutes each session with H and I to see how we were handling everything. I bring this up because even though H was always there he rarely talked when he and I were in without D. Usually only when asked a direct question and then usually only a yes/no response. His "job" was cheerleader. "D" you can do this, "D" you are going to be ok. I on the other hand was... "D" scream, yell, yes...THIS SUCKS, let it out.
So, "D" and I let it out and H kept everything in. Maybe thats why D is doing great, and H and I are having problems being together. I'll suggest to H maybe he should see C alone. FYI: I wouldn't wish my last 1 1/2 years on my worst enemy. I now know what Hell is.....watching your child suffer. Nothing, and I mean nothing can be any worse than that. Go hug your kids!!!
How have you handled the SSM so far? Have you talked about it, argued about it etc? My suggestion is to not make it into a battleground. Once you start having the "sex argument", it becomes a lot harder to deal with as both spouses become more defensive and sensitive about the sitch. Try to approach it with patience, calm and don't attempt to talk about it when you're feel rejected or in anger. I think good communication is a key factor in getting things resolved. All the best.
