First off thanks to everyone who posted on my thread from last week "DH and his comments". Lots of good thought starters there. Also been reading other folks' posts and really began to realize the amount of pain that I am causing H when I reject his advances.
Update: After posting last week, H came home from the gym on Monday night and said something totally witty like "get naked?" So I said, sure why not. Totally floored him. We did ML not only on Monday but Thursday as well. No ML for rest of weekend due to visit from Aunt Flo.
I have been taking hairdog's advice and countering with humor whenever DH flips out another one of his brilliant comments. I think it is working...at least it is better than me flipping back with a snotty remark and it escalating into a "you never...", "well, you won't ever..." you know the type of conversation/arguement.
Still reading the book. Through chapter three and just starting chapter 4. Have to return book to library on Monday so must pick up pace on the reading. Went to dr. today for complete thyroid panel to rule out hormone issues. Will see what that says...I have a sneaking suspicion that 8 years of hormonal BC has wreaked havoc but like someone said, I'm not going to pin all hopes on that and exclude everything else.
One thing did resonate with me quite loudly when reading the book...the desire-arousal vs. arousal-desire cause/effect relationship. I just don't have sexual thoughts (don't know why, can't figure it out) but I do know that when H does touch me, I do get interested and have no problems completing the act. It aggravates him b/c he wants me to initiate but how does one initiate when one never thinks about sex spontaneously? Something to ponder....
Well, must rescue dog from outside as it sounds like he is tormenting neighbor kids (or is it other way 'round?)
Quote: I have been taking hairdog's advice and countering with humor whenever DH flips out another one of his brilliant comments.
OH MY GOD...somebody actually took my advice? Geeze, people pay me lots of money to give legal advice, and they rarely take it. (Then they pay me even more money to defend them). Now, I give some out for free, you took it, and it seems to be working?! Don't tell any of my clients. It'll ruin me.
Congrats on hauling your hubby's ashes. Roll with the punches, cowpoke.
Tim, I am motivated...if not for myself, at least for H's sake. He is trying hard for me (is working a job he hates, went back to gym, back on Weight Watchers religously) so this is the least I can do for him. Still feel like I could go for weeks on end w/o ML but like I said, if the ball gets rolling, I'm right there with it.
Can't wait to continue reading book...sucks that I have to do it at lunch at work instead of being able to devour it in one sitting at night like I know I could.
Hey Cattlkid . . . . thanks for posting that update. Every now and then its really really nice to read about a LD spouse who has an interest in making things better for their spouse. Its even nicer to hear one say they think they are beginning to understand the hurt rejection causes. Im actually smiling . . . . . and maybe in a small way hoping that my own wife will turn into you someday =)
This is a really mechanical suggestion and you can take it or leave it . . . . . but regarding the initiation on your part when you just never think about it . . . .. Have you ever thought about doing something like a dayplanner? What I mean is, just keep track of the when it happens and who started it. Get into the habit of looking at the calendar every day or two and use it to keep your "appointments" for starting something on your own. I know its mechanical, and I know it may seem as though it would take the fun out of it, but the thought behind this is that after a point the whole thing would become habit for you and eventually you'll no longer need the calendar. But until you reach that point, it will force you to think about it, plan ahead, anticipate . . . . . eventually you may even begin to look forward to it.
WOW, I was just about to give the same advice as Newlywed. If you do what he says then you won't have to have those thoughts at first you can just start. It doesn't sound sexy but once you get into the routine I think it will be much easier.
Thanks Newlywed for the idea. Makes sense to me. Esp. since I have a PalmPilot that I keep in my purse and H doesn't use. I can keep track there...it will also be useful to go along with Laura Corn's book 101 nights of great sex which I bought for us last year as a Valentine's Day present and never used. Like usual, a good idea but the follow through needed some help.
Anyhow, started reading chapter 4 of the book and sat down at lunch and started to write some goals. Here they are:
1. What do I want to change about my life? I want to be more sexual.
2. What will I be doing that I am not doing now? I will be initiating sex with H. I will be more open to H's sexual advances. I will be more open to experimentation.
3. How will H know that I am more sexual? I will initiate sex with him. I will stop turning him down for sex unless it is for a REALLY good reason. I will stop rejecting his attempts at experimentation without at least giving it "the college try".
4. What will be the first sign that I am moving in the right direction? I will go the next two weeks without rejecting ANY offers of sex from DH. Once that goes well, I will use Newlywed's suggestion of starting to schedule sex in my PalmPilot.
Now for the question...from reading the posts from the HD spouses (esp. the men), it appears that there is some sort of expectation of a dramatic change in the LD spouses and that if the LD spouses don't "measure up", the HD spouses are giving up. I am worried that if I start to make subtle changes (that I am comfortable with but still changes), H will see it as no change at all. I think that basically what I am trying to ask is that what steps are good steps? Is there only one path to take and one speed on that path to making the situation better? Or is it a matter of how long the SSM situation has been going on or...?
I also just wanted to thank everyone again for their insightful posts not just to me but to everyone. It is really and truly an eye opener to get a male point of view...I grew up with just a sister and I can't quite ask my co-workers about this stuff, ya know?
What is reasonable to you? If your husband made goals, what would they be? What goals are you making to improve YOUR NEEDS? This is a to way street you know. You need some fuel put into YOUR love tank!
In the past, H has said that he would be happy with ML once per week. To me, that's a totally reasonable goal.
As far as getting my needs met as far as the LL go, that's a joke and a half. My top LLs are Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. Neither of them happen very often around here from his end. But of course, if I ask for those things (which I have in the past) remarking that I would feel more like ML if I don't have to do all the chores around the house, H says "fine, but if I did everything around here, you still wouldn't want to ML". So you can see that I have to start making some changes on my end first before I even THINK about asking for anything from H.
Aye, but there's the rub. Who goes first? If you've chosen to go first, great for you. If he doesn't follow up, you need to remind him. Have him read the Five Love Languages...it was an eye-opener for me. I told my W about it and she is doing a better job of communicating with me, although she is still not speaking my lingo.
I agree with CeMar...you need YOUR love tank filled, too.
