My wife of seven years is filing for divorce, and I cannot blame her. During our marriage I have been sometimes verbally and physically abusive, I never hit her, but I know pushing is just as bad. I have sought help for my anger problem and am currently going through Anger management therapy and I have also given my life to God and have joined a mens accountibilty/support group called Man to Man. I guess I need advice and answers to some questions.
Is it possible for a woman to find her way back to loving somebody that hurt them badly? I don't really know what went wrong in our marriage, mainly why I started the verbal and physical stuff. In my first marriage I wasn't like that, oh sure, she and I yelled at each other, but I never laid a finger on her. Why with this one did I start? I love my current wife so much that it hurts and I never ever stopped loving her even when things were really bad. I am getting help mainly for myself as I realize that I cannot be like I was and hope to have a healthy, meaningful relationship with someone if I do not change. But, I do not want anyone else but my wife, I don't need her, I just want her, there is a difference.
Do women really believe that a man can change, if he's truly repentant? I recognize and aknowledge the fact that I am were I am due to my own actions.
I just cannot stand the fact that our family is going to be torn apart, we have two daughters ages 4 years and 8 mos, and I really love all three of the ladies in my life and cannot stand the fact that I may not see them every night, or worse yet, that another person may help my wife raise them. My wife is a wonderful, beautiful and vibrant woman, and it kills me that I have basically crushed her spirit. We are both in our mid 30's and I feel that anyone we meet after and if this divorce goes through will already have kids as well (more than likely) and I want my own family, not someone elses. I know I can't make my wife love me again, but I was just wondering if it is possible for her to maybe find her way back to me and hopefully forgive me, if not forget.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
Quote: going through Anger management therapy and I have also given my life to God and have joined a mens accountibilty/support group called Man to Man.
recent? Like after she left you or filed?
I seriously doubt your w wants the d but does not know how else to get you to see you have to change this abusive behavior. So she is taking these steps to d. I have faith that you can stop her.
Set about changing you...in earnest. Show her the new man you want to be for her and your daughters.
Are you living separately from kids and w? What kind of contact do you have with them if so?
Your post seemed very sincere. If you are having any level of communication with your W have you asked her to consider joint couseling or invited her to speak with your group sponsor?
Yes, I think she can come to open her heart to you once she sees that your changes are REAL and permanent...right now she is probably afraid because no doubt you've told her many times that "it'll never happen again"...and yet it did. So her trust in your 'word' is zero...BUT that can all change with time, patience and her 'seeing' the new you under various conditions. T2
My post is VERY sincere, I am hurting and mainly I am hurting because I hurt her. My decision to get help actually came about 2 days before she told me she wanted a divorce, she hasn't filed as of yet, but she has been in contact with an attorney.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
All of this took place about 1 month ago, I am still living at home and we just recently agreed that we need some time apart. I work shift work and that means I am sometimes working nights, 6pm-6am. We decided together that when I am home, she will stay at her mom and dads( they live 5 min away) and I will keep the girls on a couple of my days off, and when I am work, she will stay at our home. being near her was/is killing me because my natural inclination is to what to comfort her, but of course she doesn't want me to touch her and I will respect her boundry's, it is very hard though.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
ok, so have you gotten to read Divorce Remedy or Busting? What are you goals? What other things are you changing bout you? Has she mentioned other things she may be dissatisfied with...like household chores, or looking after the girls, going out, etc? What goals can you implement now that would be noticed right away?
it is important that you are respecting her boundaries. Right now physical intimacy of any sort may be a very unwanted...so keeping your distance is important.
However, words of affection, appreciation, courtesy (simple pleases and thank yous) go a long way!!!
You can even ASK her if there's something you can do for her...like, "I'm heading to the store, is there anything I can pick up for you?"
Do something she WOULDN'T EXPECT...whether it's beating her to doing the dishes, running the vaccuum, dusting the furniture in the living room...anything that you normally did NOT do that you know would ease her burdens. Do them without expecting ANYTHING from her including acknowledgement that you did them.
Get the Five Love Languages book and try to figure out what her love language is and DO something that speaks to her in HER way NOT yours. T2
Cindy asked the right questions. You need to read the book. I think Divorce Remedy is better. You need to do some 180s (things that are out of character to you.) You need to tell her simply that you realize you need to change and that you need to do it for you, then be quiet and just do it.
