Hi slowly, just found your thread....I'm in a lot the same sitch and ask the same question over and over. don't have any answers, really, just wanted to let you know I share your frustrations! Dazed, if you see this, I might need a 2x4 to clear my head if you have time to jump to "morphing"...
My, my, my, lucky I found you! We r similar yet not the same. H cant end it with OW yet, but starting come around...
I like what KAW wrote:
Quote: and I'd be very careful about asking for affirmations as just as often as not, it tends to backfire. Often, the S is giving affirmations, but not in a form we are expecting, o we tend to overlook what they are doing. Then when confronted that we are looking for assurences, they get offended that we have been blind by their efforts and that we have not acknowledged their attempts. This is where the 5 Love Languages and Mars / Venus books help out.
This is so true..When I asked my H for reassurance again and again that he is coming back, he got angry and said, 'I thought you see that I am making more effort now. That should tell you something isnt it?' (and in my book, his efforts are too small, that I hardly see them as efforts at all). And that shut me up, at least until now! I am not a mind reader, duhh. But that is what he is thinking. I felt so tempted to ask him again for reassurrance but I guess like KAW said again, its safer to do nothing until you are sure if what you are planning to do will give you the direction taht you want (or something like that, can exactly remember how he puts it).
So, we all know the frustrations and the constant roller coaster ride. It sucks but we are still on this path. Ironic..
BTW, what happened to make your H ended his A? I am waiting for H to do that, but no signs yet...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
went to sleep last night feeling really lousy, had breakfast with H in a bit of a mood, it was a little tense. came in to work, logged on to this bb, and i feel truly blessed. i cannot express just how glad i am you folks out there are with me. before i go into an analysis, i'm just going to take a moment to savour the feeling of being supported.
zinta - i should be showing half the spunk you have been, and stick with dbing. thanks for the push
dazed - i'll take any hug, even a slippery one. yes, you did give me the heads up about safety zones, and yes, when H was telling me about their conversation he did point out to OW that she should be unloading on her friends, and that H is really not able to help any more (my problem, he said able and not interested. able could mean my evil W is stopping me ) and yes, i am guilty of expecting way too much too soon, those wonderful baby steps just got me carried away. sigh.
jen - i REALLY appreciate your opinion, even if in my saner moments i know there has been progress, it is SO GOOD to have it validated by someone else
ranacan - you are saying all the things that have been driving me nuts - just how is it possible to 'love' more than one person with romantic passion and more than anything else, i think what has been bugging me is H's lack of recognition that i have been really working hard at keeping us together. this support i get from my one best friend, and you all here. it is so appreciated, and needed.
rotz - i love your reasoning. i too forget that the rest of the world is not like me - not just in this matter. i believe myself to be an avegare person, which means everyone else is the same, right? duh. causes me no end of issues at work too and spot on with the expectations - i even deliberately chose slowly to keep reminding myself that this is going to take time. but dear god, it is so painful
debcb - i'm sorry you are in this sitch too. but hey, at least we have this crowd to pull us out of the doldrums
BnB - thanks for the language reminder - we're still waiting for our book. yes, i think in his own way H has been trying to show me he cares, it is just not enough for me. my friend pointed out that the fact that he is being honest is a HUGE thing, and i agree. i often forget that for a couple of months the A was behind my back. what made it end, well my H had initiated the end about 4 times, just because he wanted to stop hurting me, but OW would not let go. then her H slashed himself, needed 40 stitches, and it was affecting their kids, so finally she ended it. i think it was a big relief for my H. i recall him once saying that he 'chose' a married woman for A as they would not be too clingy, and that he had misjudged that aspect big time - like i needed to know all this
ok, i need to figure out what to change about my approach to this whole thing so i can avoid future backslides. next post. my short attention span cannot take these long chats
hi everyone - been reflecting quite a bit on why i've had such a lousy time since monday dinner, and what i need to do to avoid this happening again. some ground rules for slowly:
expect nothing - treat H as a great friend, sometimes an intimate friend, and leave it at that for now embrace honesty - when H wishes to discuss OW, listen, validate and don't judge, or take it personally. make room for H's dignity - he has said he made a mistake, and is trying to recover from it. he is sorry to have put me through this. his pride has taken a beating (having to confess to me). i may want him to say he is sorry every 5 minutes, but it will never happen. i need to allow him space and dignity. be satisfied he has at least once acknowledged his error; it probably feels like a lot more to him reciprocate honesty - let him know in a calm and constructive manner that i have bad moments, and if it becomes a lousy mood during our time together, i need to apologise. work harder to be a fun companion. save gripes for the fellow sufferers on this bb focus on one thing at a time - yeah, its a man thing, but there must be a good reason for it - i'm sure they go less nuts overall. right now, selling our flat is the most critical item on the agenda. i've probably been stressing myself out over that, and was in a lower state of readiness to cope with OW discussions on monday night give H space - we are in contact with each other almost 24 hrs a day - at night, if not a spoon fashion cuddle, he holds my hand while we sleep. we have breakfast together, when we get to work, he gets on IM with me, and the channel is open pretty much all day. sometimes (2-3 times a week) we meet for lunch. we have dinner together. maybe clubbing. i think we need a break from each other. it is a marvel we find new things to talk about focus on myself - towards the last days of the A i was doing this very well, in fact, i'm sure it spurred him on to end things as i was doing my thing too often for his comfort. i need to revive some of that. for me. support this bb - cannot explain this, but i really feel better after a session here, even if i'm just speculating on yoga based limbo - it is gratifying to be able to help out, so i really should carve out time to do more
that's it, my friends. thank you for being here for me. my life would have turned out quite different if it were not for michele and all of you. lots of hugs, slowly
Just reading through some more of your posts and you have set some really great goals here no wonder you have been so great in your help with me.
sorry we had to met here but you have been my biggest support and I will try and support you in the same way. This is a great place with lots of wonderful advice. Just hearing from you helps me to put my PMA back in place. Keep up the good work you are doing wonderful Believe
slowly- we meet again....what a great post with your ground rules! i've taken them to heart for myself!! i am hoping to be in your position where we are working towards reconciliation and it certainly does help to have your feelings and experiences to learn from as we all progress towards that point...and we all will progress towards that point. i know you have your good moments and bad....believe me i'm still trying to figure out how my W led this double life for a month until i found out....and how you can feel feelings for 2 people at once....DRIVES ME MAD too!!
thank you for sharing with all of us... AND FOR EVERYONE: IT WAS SO GREAT TO READ YOUR RESPONSES AS WELL!! while it isn't possible to reply to everyone, just being able to read your successes and not so successess and to hear your feelings makes me realize that i am not alone (unfortunately...i'm sure we all wished we met one another under better circumstances!) but i wanted to thank you all for sharing your hearts with all of us and with me!
there are so many moments when i just need to hear a friendly voice....or read a friendly post and i'm so glad i have a haven here with all of you!
slowly---thank you especially for helping me as much as you have! you are an inspiration to me you know! and you are very much appreciated!!
Quote: jen - i REALLY appreciate your opinion, even if in my saner moments i know there has been progress, it is SO GOOD to have it validated by someone else
Glad I could be there for you!
Even though we are all here for similar reasons and began as perfect strangers - it's nice to know that there are genuinely good people out there - no matter the sitch!
no doubt that wednesday was a better day than tuesday. the incredibly supportive compassion i found here, and the re-focusing on smaller expectations helped a lot
i started the day with an apology for being cranky the day before. H was understanding, and said that whatever the issues we will work through them, with love. we both went to work as normal, and met for lunch, we had a date with some friends - just light banter over pizza, it was fab. H even shared with them our decision to sell the flat - he has taken ownership of the decision - yeah
mid-afternoon, H called to invite me to dinner with some work colleagues. this is a first, usually when hanging out with work folks, H has not included me. he even said after dinner that they were 'dead impressed' with me - i guess switching off half my brain, and being nice, does make life simpler
after dinner, we just went home, curled up on the sofa and watched a movie. very provincial, but nice. turned in early seems like things are back on to some sort of an even keel. there are several gremlins lurking around in my head and heart, but i'm keeping them out of sight for a while. plan to enjoy this long weekend, and deal with them next week, IF i really have to.
thanks again, guys, for listening to me ramble on. have a great easter. hugs, slowly
) and yes, i am guilty of expecting way too much too soon, those wonderful baby steps just got me carried away. sigh.
and more than anything else, i think what has been bugging me is H's lack of recognition that i have been really working hard at keeping us together. this support i get from my one best friend, and you all here. it is so appreciated, and needed. 
and spot on with the expectations - i even deliberately chose slowly to keep reminding myself that this is going to take time. but dear god, it is so painful
