Sitch....I was LD because of negativity/self-esteem and W was HD. Partly reason for separation and looming divorce. Without the negativity and self improvement I'm very HD and WAW is now LD. When I do initiate she gets a lot of anxiety and says it makes her feel even worse.
She says it makes her feel worse because she doesn't understand why I was LD before and HD now, and I must be faking it. Every time I explain why I was LD she blows it off.
Help! Advice? Feedback?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
My LD to HD change was simple...I stopped allowing her negativity to impact how I felt about myself. Her typical comment was "Why don't you ever want to have sex" instead of just saying "I love having sex with you and want to have it right now." She knows that I'm now HD, but part of her thinks I'm faking it.
She's not having an affair, and I'm about 99% certain of that. She's told me that she's so hurt from my "rejection" that she has a LD now and can't reconnect sexually with me right now.
I actually went and saw a sex therapist on my own, which helped me to overcome some issues, but she said she didn't want to go. She doesn't think she has the problem...that I did.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Sorry, but you probably don't realize that my main function here is the class clown. With that in mind...
DBR comes into room, sporting a woodie (SuperDave, who's from England, probably thinks that a "woodie" is a cane, or a tropical drink, or something. SD, a woodie is an erection, a boner, a hard-on, etc.). DBR points to it and says to Ms. DBR, "And what exactly is fake about this?"
Or, as Dave (american Dave) might say, "just give her the 'money shot' and again, ask her what's fake about that?"
Actually...I've done that and she's physically pushed me away and said not to pressure her.
She thinks that she can somehow emotionally/physically reconnect with me...without actually having to do either.
What I'm wondering are ways to suggest or whatever...getting back on the horse again. Michele says "Just Do It" but right now she won't go for that one.
I actuall left out a copy of TSSM for her to read. Trying to clue her in that everyone has problems...it's how you solve them that matters.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
hd: I havn't a clue what you're blabbering on about old chap. Please restrict your communications to the Queen's English. For your information my good man, a "Woody" is the shooting brake model of an old car called a Morris Minor (or "Moggie"). The back half had a wooden frame (hewn from English Ash) hence the name. As to "Give her the money shot" I presume you are refering to the old game show "The Golden Shot" where a jolly decent sort by the name of "Bernie" used to load a crossbow for contestants to shoot at a target. The best shot won the money. SD in good ol' Blighty
there have got to be a million questions running through her head right now and even though you've given her an answer already it's hard to swallow.
Your reasoning for once being LD is "HER" negativity toward you? that then created low self esteme in you?
kinda like saying..ya honey guess what, you could have been having what you wanted all along if you hadn't been being such a biatch.
I know that's not your intent but it can feel that way to her..thus creating negativity and low self esteme in her and therefore ld.
And of course there's the question in her mind of..well if he was really hd all along was he getting off with someone else? just rejecting ME? Why is he being what I wanted NOW when now I have all these memories of being rejected in mind.
of course there's also the "I don't want to believe this is for real and get comfortable with it becuase it may not last"
I assume since you started with seperation and d threat that you've read db and dr? if not I would take a look.
kinda like saying..ya honey guess what, you could have been having what you wanted all along if you hadn't been being such a biatch.
I know that's not your intent but it can feel that way to her..thus creating negativity and low self esteme in her and therefore ld.
Very good point and I'm sure that's how it feels to her. I'm sure that's why she's so hurt and goes back and forth between blaming me and blaming herself.
She used to complain about not having sex more than once a month or something. We haven't had sex in a year and now it's because she says she scared, or that it will confuse things, or that she doesn't feel like it.
Yes, I've read TSSM and DR. I'm giving her space and time, and she's responding to it. But this was a huge issue...and is probably the one that determines whether we get back together.
Right now...I'm just trying to remind her that the future we have together is a lot longer than the past. If you always wanted those things, and you can have them now, what's preventing you from taking it?
To that question she says there's just too much resentment and pain. From reading DR...that's something she's going to have to let herself forgive about herself to move on.
I'm just looking for baby step ways to start reconnecting. Or is it just a matter of giving her time before doing the "Just Do It" thing again?
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
DB, I think that LL gave you some great advice. You simply CANNOT use the "she was negative" thing any longer. Take ownership of yourself--the truth is that your sexuality got derailed for whatever reason and your relationship suffered as a consequence.
She might be needing to hear that from you, I have no idea.
What is your level of affection like with her? If she won't have sex with you, what ARE you allowed to do with her? If she will allow hugs and kisses and quality time, then by all means use that to your advantage. Remember how it used to be in the beginning--woo her back to you. And be persistent. My H was LD also and I held tons of resentment towards him, too. It took me years to ditch this, I am ashamed to say. But the thing that hauled me away from my pity party was his persistence. He simply would not stop being this wonderful guy and I found him irresistable, no matter how much I wanted to hate him.
Show her that you are for real with the desire. In whatever way you can sneak in, let her know that you find her desirable. She may push you away or pretend that it is not having an effect on her (I did this) but I can assure you it will. Write her little notes. Send her emails. Tell her any sexy dreams you have about her. Compliment her if she looks nice. In short, do not let the sexual dialogue die for even one day. It doesn't have to be over-the-top things..a simple comment like "boy your arse looks good in those jeans" is fine. If you think it, let it out.
I think that my H is actually a pretty sexual person but was too awkward to let that guy out. So he kept him bottled up all the time and wanted me to just "trust" that he was there. This was not enough for me, and still isn't.
So, in a nutshell my advice to you is: Be affectionate and let that be where you get your foot in the door; then kick that door open with reminders of how sexy you think she is. If that doesn't get you in her pants, then nothing will! LOL
Good luck to you and congrats on making your way here...
