This is my first post. I really hope some of you could share your experiences to help me with this...
My husband is a HD and I am a LD. There are all kinds of reasons for this, we have gone through all kinds of different stages with it, and we have arrived at a point of at least mutual understanding. It seems unusual, but I, as the LD, have tried everything I could find, in books, on the net, everything to make our sex life better. But nothing works for me. Nothing will give me back the emotions that used to be connected with sex. Everything else in our life is so great, but we have lost our sexual connection, and I am not willing to accept that.
My husband has reached a state of acceptance, which I highly appreciate, but it breaks my heart. I want things to be better, but neither of us has any more ideas, and energy is running low. The last resort for me is to talk to a professional therapist, who might be able to help us through this. But my husband does not want to talk about it anymore, because the ups and downs are painful for him, and he thinks that every time we try to make it better we end up making it worse - which is half true, because when we try something that doesn't work, we get more frustrated.
He would rather take what he can get and live in peace, but I don't think that will work in the long term. How do I bring up that I want us to go to therapy, without immediately making him feel pain and frustration again?
If you have any idea what I'm talking about, I would be so grateful if you would share your experiences and thoughts.
Welcome Peekablue! (What a cute name! I hope it changes soon though and you feel better)...
I think you should see a sex therapist on your own and if/when the time comes when the therapist wants to see your H and/or you want him to come to a session... that will work best.
I started seeing a therapist on my own and we just started seeing her as a couple...
It's wonderful to hear from an LD wife sporting such a great attitude! Give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing something about this and not letting it go. BRAVO!
Have you read the Sex Starved Marriage yet? Has he?
Thank you so much for your support. I think you're right, it might be best if I start therapy alone. After all, I'm the one with more problems, and that way he can feel like I'm doing something, that should make him feel better. I suggested that to him last night, his words were 'by all means!'.
Yes, I've read 'The Sex Starved Marriage', it has helped me gain a lot of insight into my husband's side of the story. Sadly, like I said, I've tried everything in there, too, and nothing works for me. He has not read it yet, even though he has already tried most of 'his' approaches by himself. I'd like to get him to read it too, but he's a little reluctant, probably because that would fall into the 'I don't want to torture myself I'd rather just live in peace' category.
But maybe this further initiative on my part will inspire him.
Thanks again for your input! I really appreciate it.
If you haven't already read this, I think it may benefit you before you rush off to find a therapist. Not to take any credit away from therapists, but personally, going through the many sessions I have at this point just to get to where I am now... this board has been absolutely free, but worth far more than the $$$$ that I've shelled out... to discuss my childhood, etc.
Quote: The criteria for success is no longer whether he feels loved, but whether you feel your sexual self growing and developing. If it's not, then use him some more. But you're the one who hired him as your personal trainer and you have some expectations of him. The big question is do YOU want to develop your sexual side more fully and completely for your own sake? You're going to have to teach him how to do what you need him to do since it doesn't come naturally to him.
MPT, you are a genius! Thank you for that post! I believe that is what I'm reaching for in my therapy sessions and the way you put it, it seems silly that H and I should be shelling out $$$ to get there (as slowly as we are). Why did it take your post for me to *see* this?
You can find the full post, in all it's glory, HERE. Just look for #671281 on the 4th page, from MPT.
Thanks for the qoute, it does open an important door.
However, I think for right now I am too far away from that point... *sigh*. Sex has become such a painful issue in my head that I actually would like to talk about my childhood, or whatever else might help. That may sound funny, but what I mean is, I have things going on that keep me from wanting sex, and I want a professional opinion on those things. I want to find answers that my husband and me couldn't find on our own, and resolve them - then I will be able to move on and build my own sexuality (which, actually, was nonexistent before I met my husband), and then I will learn what it is that I want sexually.
My biggest concern at the moment is to do something to get over this unhappiness that we are both feeling. Knock down the obstacles one by one.
Thanks again for your praise - it means a lot to me.
I completely understand. I was just hoping to save you a few bucks! One more thing... each session should end with an assignment or goal. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of paying someone to just listen and validate you... know what I mean? Get your money's worth!
Good luck honey. We're all behind you and please keep us posted on your progress
Personally, I would just head into therapy yourself and leave your H out of it for awhile. I think you have some personal issues you need to examine first before you can even begin to bring him into it. Personal therapy can help you understand yourself, assist you in discovering what it is YOU want and need, without confusing it with the wants and needs of a relationship, and it can help you get a firm hold on your issues so you can discuss them with your H.
You can do phone consultations through this site (see links at the top), or you can find a local therapist that you can talk with face to face. When looking for one, though, be sure that the therapist is a 'solutuions-oriented' one. If you call the number above, these people can help you with a list of questions to ask to make sure you are comfortable with your counselor's philosophies.
Peekablue, I just wanted to say "Welcome", and "Way to GO!", and perhaps offer a word or to from the H perspective. Do NOT hesitate to seek therapy for yourself! Even though your H seems back-offish about it, he's really thrilled you're heading in that direction. It's just that he doesn't want to "jinx" things by seeming too eager. Been there, done that... got the scars to prove it. So does he (and so do you!) from the sound of it. BRAVO on having the courage to take action! Sounds like you've both been working on this for a while - you can pat yourself on the back there, also. I started really raising the alarm with W only about 5 years ago, although I had been trying for a while to raise her consciousness, but since she wasn't buying anything subtle, I finally had to just about threaten to leave her. Just the fact that you are willing to work things through means a LOT to him. Do NOT take him at his word as to his insistence that "he'd rather live in peace" than continue working on it - them's giving-up words, and you're right... NOT a long-term strategy.
Keep on keepin' on... we'll be rooting for you (apologies to anyone from OZ in here... )
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