I've been reading here for several months now but never have posted. Corri's thread last week prompted me to finally chime in, if for nothing more than just to talk and vent a little bit to some folks who are in the same boat as me more or less.
My anniversary is coming up in a week and I must admit that it has me down a bit. Its our first one. We are both in our early thirties and in our first marriage. In most respects, its a wonderful marriage and is all that I thought it would be. But intimacy isn't at all in the marriage what it was during the courtship. Not even close.
Just some background . . . . . My wife and I were introduced by a mutual friend and hit it off. Our dating was a whirlwind. We shared mutual interest, values, and ideals. I never dated much. My job required that I work alot and travel often so a social life wasn't something I had time to pursue. I had just quit that job and settled into something that paid less but gave me more of a life. Thats where I met the person that introduced the two of us. We began seriously dating within a month of meeting the first time. Going into the relationship, I was still a big V. It was a personal choice for me based on my own values as a younger man. She was not. There was a time when I wouldn't have been okay with that, but time and age changes one's opinions a bit. After a shaky start we began a wonderful intimate relationship. I never knew what I was missing But I figured this was the last attempt I was going to make at finding a mate, so what the heck. Its not like it made me a player or anything.
Now the part of Corri's post that prompted me to write this is about her keeping track of "the number". I did this too. At first it was just fun for me and eventually it became habit.
I asked her to marry me 7 months after we started dating and she said yes =) We had all the serious talks that we should have had. Finances, expectations, kids etc. . . . we were in agreement on everything. We both enjoyed our sex life very much and agreed that 4 to 5 times a week would be comfortable for both of us. In our first year which neatly enough ended the week we were married, we had a number of 137. Not too bad at all =) Quite enough for me.
What I didn't realize though was that there was apparently something in the wedding vows that changed all that. I began to realize that I was in for some dissapointment on the honeymoon. One time. ONE TIME, can you believe it? Our first fight was on the fifth night when I had been planning all day on having a nice night in the romantic cabin in the woods that I had rented for us. We had spent three days doing everything that she wanted to do. She had flirted and gone along with everything leading me to believe that night was going to go as I had hoped. Then after dinner . . . "Im not feeling so good". Of course I had a look of dissapointment and I couldn't hide it. A small arguement, a cold night, and the next day later she felt bad about it and made up for it with oral. Thats the last time I've gotten that.
Since then, Its been a series of rejections. One after another. It has bothered me to no end. After the first five months I bought the SSM. She saw it and was upset. She said, "I thought that was something that we wouldn't need until we had been married 20 years or so". My reply? "So did I."
I read it. I put it into practice. I've been attentive in every way I can. I do all the paying. I do most of the cleaning and cooking. She really has a life of relative ease. Her money is hers. She has never been denied anything because regardless of circumstance, I love her and want so badly for her to be happy that I will forgoe anything including my own happiness in order for her to be happy and have the things that she wants.
So here I am a year later writing a message to strangers on an internet discussion group just to vent. Im looking at my calendar and can see that we've had sex only 26 times in our first year of marriage. I can see that its been 7 weeks today since the last time. And I can't help but be terribly depressed. I can't help but feeling that maybe there is something wrong with me, or maybe I've dissapointed her, or not measured up to the men she's known in the past. And although it shouldn't, this really just makes the whole "men in the past" thing blow out of proportion for me. Men and women now are not celibate until there early thirties. I know I am the exception. But knowing what I am not getting from her just makes the images of her with men before me even more vivid and hurtful. Its almost a feeling of "you must have gotten it all out of your system before me. I waited for you. I waited for this. And I feel that you are cheating me."
We've had talks about it. She says she sorry and will try to do better, but it hasn't gotten better. She knows that it hurts me, but still there is no initiative on her part to do anything to appease me. And I have to say that having to ask for "other" means of satisfaction, knowing all along that I won't get sex or oral is humiliating and degrading. Its like being the family dog begging for scraps from the dinner table. And I am finding it harder and harder to hide the resentment and anger that is bubbling up from within my soul. I find myself thinking about exactly how long this marriage is going to last.
I've expressed these feelings to her. She says that she understands and will try harder. I've even found out recently that the reason she doesn't kiss or make out with me anymore is because she "doesn't want to tease me or lead me on". She even suggested that I get on medication that has side effects of decreasing my libido
Now I know this is one sided. I know that she has had some medical problems and medications that have made it harder for her. I've tried to be patient. I'll continue to be patient. Its just that it gets harder each passing day to continue to give what I know she needs in the hopes that one day I'll get what I need. I feel bad about feeling this way. I feel bad about NEEDING that from her knowing that medically, she just doesn't feel like it. But I see that she still does the things that are important to her with no hinderance physically, so why is this so hard for her even when she knows how important it is to me? She readily admits that I contribute more to the relationship than she does. So why not contribute more? Its making me feel like Im being taken advantage of.
In the end, Im sure that I'll celebrate my anniversary this next week with a happy face hiding the pain and dissapointment in my heart. We have a very good marriage in all areas except this one. Why can't I be happy with that? Hope. Hope is all I have that one day this will reverse.
Sorry for the vent from the new guy, but this has been somewhat therapeutic for me.
May God bless us all, and may our marriages turn the corner into what lovely roads we hoped it would lead us down.
It sounds as if you are VERY incompatible sexually with this woman, so do not have children with her until all problems are resolved, this way you can still part if necessary. Believe me, their are many men on this board that are stuck with unresponsive wives only because of children at home.
What is the medical condition that is causing the problem. There maybe some people on these boards that can help find solutions to this.
NW1 - welcome to the board. Sorry you are here though. There are a lot of guys here that understand what you are feeling. Yes it sure is a tough feeling. I hope you will find here that you are understood and that your feelings are validated. Logically it might seem like the wrong thing to find a lacking sex life such a big deal, but believe us that it really is. Time to start working on it with your wife right away. If you don't, it really can be a marriage killer, no matter if everything else seems ok. Also take heart from some of the people here who have been having recent success...there is hope for at least some of us.
Okay. You have no kids, right? Tell me you have no kids are you aren't even TRYING to have kids yet.
Just like me, you are going to have to gather your courage and take a good hard look at yourself. First, you must understand that you cannot give up your own happiness for someone elses. That does nothing for you or them. Your happiness DOES count, and you DESERVE to be as equally happy with your spouse as possible. However, the only one who can stick up for you is YOU. This is gathering the courage part because is does take a lot of it to face a problem head on. Sometimes it is much easier to stay miserable and complain about the misery than it is to DO something about it.
The second part of this is, you are going to have to find a way to tell your wife in a CALM and COMPASSIONATE manner that you are NOT happy in your relationship. There is nothing 'bad' about being unhappy and you have nothing to apologize for. But what is key here is making it clear to your wife that you are no longer willing to be unhappy, and you would like to WORK WITH HER in solving this issue... no matter what it is you have to do. Ask her if she is willing to do this with you. If she says no, then you have some serious decisions to make. If she says yes, then you have some serious thinking to do.
Hey NW1...welcome, and sorry you're here. CeMar is right...do not, under any circumstances, have children with this woman until you work this out, and are freely communicating about this issue. My first wife had a libido loss after we got married, and she even suggested that if we got a "quiet" divorce, but still acted like we were married, her libido would probably improve. She got better without the divorce. Of course, she was also psychotic, but that's another story.
Has she read the SSM book? She should. And I think a little more info on her medical challenges might help some of here understand where she's coming from.
Hi Cemar, Now40, Corri . . . . . . to answer the questions, no we don't have kids and aren't really planning on having any. We decided up front to not even make a decision on that until we had been married for several years. I don't think we will ever have any to be honest. They just don't fit into our plans in life.
Cemar, to answer your question she has some bad disks in her back that give her chronic pain. Depression from the pain and some of the meds that she is on are the root of the problem really. I guess thats really to blame for why I feel so bad about being unhappy with that. Truth is, she really can't help the fact that ML is just not on her mind. The meds just wiped out the drive and the fact that sometimes it results in days of pain afterward Im sure is a downer on the lust factor. Before the problem, we were very compatible.
And Corri, I have discussed this with her a few times. She always listens and is very understanding. But all I get is "be patient, I promise it'll get better". And maybe it will. In all honesty, I can't in good concience lay down an ultimatum until the medical issue is resolved. If that comes about and the situation hasn't improved dramatically, then I think it would be time to voice my dissatisfaction more loudly.
I don't know . . . . . What would you do in this situation?
NewlyWed1: Your story is identical to mine except I have been married for 22 years. Great relationship before marriage then near celibacy from the wedding night onwards. It is sadly an all too common pattern. At least you have the support from this forum and do not have children. I suggest you work really hard this year and if you can’t fix it, forget your cultural/religious/family beliefs and get out. Believe me, 20+ years of celibacy, all the time remembering those magic first few months, is crushing for the spirit of a man. SD
I didn't ask her to read the book yet Hairdog, but I think Im going to. If for nothing else, I really don't think that I have done a sufficient job of conveying how deeply this hurts me, and I think the book does a much better job of verbalizing those feelings than I ever could.
We've had very good discussions about this. Not heated and both of us trying very hard to listen and understand the others position.
A back as bad as that will not help one bit. My W had a bad back a couple of years back and it really is a killer. My sympathy goes to you and your W. SD
Yes it is Superdave . . . it really is. Just makes things much harder becuase there really is no way for me to not come out sounding like a selfish prick, you know? And maybe I am.
I think Im doing good though. She says that she doesn't feel any pressure from me, which is something that Im trying to avoid.
But I figured this was the last attempt I was going to make at finding a mate, so what the heck. Its not like it made me a player or anything.