I have been reading and following your thread. Happy when your spouse returned. And I have been recognizing a lot of the same issues in your marriage that have been present in mine.
The ML issue is really a disturbing one. Most books all seem to focus on the man as the person wanting it all the time...I really think that these books reflect a societal notion that denies women our sexuality.
And then it is an insult upon an injury as we turn to "expert" advice only to find that we don't exist in their minds as anything other than an oddity or aberration.
My T has steered me to a wonderful book written by a sex therapist named David Schnarch. Schnarch's view of sexual issues in a relationship are unusual and very profound. I think you may find them helpful. The title is "Passionate Marriages".
Schnarch does not follow the usual clinical approach re: sexual dynamics in a marriage. In fact, he focuses on sex as an example of the power struggle within a relationship. He lays it out frankly and I believe that you may find the book very helpful.
Mostly I have benefited from an understanding of the concept he puts forward called "emotional fusing" and lack of "differentiation". What I love most about Schnarch's theories is that marriages, in his words, are actually "people growing machines." That it is inevitable that we occassionally get stuck in "emotional gridlock" and that the best way to grow as an individual is to solve your issues IN RELATIONSHIP.
Schnarch sees sex as the playing field for all the dynamics in our relationship. ANyway, just my input....would love to meet on the bb with folks willing to read and discuss this book. WHo knows, maybe someday soon my WAH will be back and I may be ready for him.
sometimes it seems all I have to do is come here and rant and rave how horrible things are and then poof a ray of hope. Shortly after posting this morning h called. Not just an ordinary call but a call in wich I heard a person, not a working machine but a person who's tired and wishes he could be at home with his wife and kids. Sometimes folks that's really all I need. Sure I ask for date nights etc..but mostly all I really want is to be missed, desired, loved, needed etc..
Quote: "why does my h not fear loosing me to the mailman, or the guy that delivers the oil, the people I email, anyone anywhere"
Hey LL, What about the mechanic?????
Tony my mechanic friend,
h doesn't fear my being swept away by anyone because he's got me pretty well kept. There is no mechanic as he takes the car down to his mechanic and leaves me with his truck (when he finally does get around to it...and then I'm supposed to be like gee h your great!) there is no landscaper because he either does it himself or in a pinch sends a crew that includes his father up to do it. there is no plumber because he calls on a friend...painting is done by moi' or fil all there is no fear...Heck I leave for a week long cruise to bermuda on sunday without him or the kids and he has still made no attempt at spending any time with me before I go...an even just mentioned considering attending a cousins college grad party the night before I leave (even though I already let aunt know I wouldn't be attending because of leaving the next day) sure he could use the exuse that he'd like to see "his" family but he'll be seeing them the next morning at a memorial mass followed by a mothers day celb at his bro's. So, if that doesn't show how secure he feels about his being immune to facing the same involvement of op's I don't know what does.
Speaking of mothers day...it is this coming sunday..I've gotten cards for my mom and nana, his mom and grandmother and gifts for them all (still working on mil's though) I'd be willing to bet he hasn't even given any thought about getting something for me and I'll be lucky if he gives me flowers even though that would be a pretty stupid thing to do considering they'd be dead by the time I got home from the cruise. And no no-one can say well isn't the cruise your gift? because it's not...it was my mothers idea (and just happens to leave on mothers day) and I am going simply because since we've been married I have yet to go on any vacation without him and he's gone to two superbowls (new orleans and houston) to miami at least twice to watch football as well as new jersey a couple of times.
I am feeling guilty for so looking forward to going away...because the truth is I wont miss h while I'm gone..he hasn't been much of a presence around here lately to be missed. And if his lack of motivation in making time for us is any indication, I wont be missed either.
