To eavesdrop or not to eavesdrop?

[COG]

My wife of 14 years and I have been separated for two years now. We have 4 children. We have done all the usual counseling and group activities for reconciliation, but she is still in the ILY but am not ILWY feeling. We have a more intimate and honest relationship now than we ever have. We pray and talk intimately together. While our friendship continues to grow, we are both growing weary of this limbo we seem to be caught in. We take one day at a time and keep hanging on with hope.

My wife has always maintained friendships with other men which I have always supported because I have trusted her and she is a person that is trustworthy. Recently, she has developed an intimate freindship with a M co-worker who is going through a divorce. She insists there is nothing more than friendship; however, I am scared to death. She does'nt know it, but I have been monitoring her e-mails. Nothing in her writing indicates she has any interest in him other than friendship, but he clearly wants to pursue her. She is a very attractive woman, and he is a handsome young man. I am almost completely convinced that there has been no infidelity to date. Monitoring her e-mails has kept me in the light; however, it is driving me crazy with jealousy. I want to know whats going on but at the same time I don't want to know. She speaks very friendly, caring and intimate with him, but does not cross the line indicating any interest in him other than friendship. Is this an EA? Should I keep monitoring the e-mails even though it is killing me to know she has such an intimate male friend? This jealously I am dealing with is causing me to be more needy, and clingy, which is making her feel more trapped and is pushing her further away. I don't want to be ignorant if she has an affair, but I don't want to slide back into being a wet noodle either. What a screwed up mess this is!

[autumndaze23]

Hi Tony,

Sorry about your situation, but it looks to me like you guys are working towards something positive. Your M must be special on some level, bec you have been able to maintain a relationship that appears to be outside the topic of your children. Now what frightens me is the eavesdropping. Other than know exactly what she is writing to people, what do you hope to gain by invading her privacy like that? And if in fact, she did have an intimate relationship with someone else, and you find out via her emailing, what would you do with the information? Would you be able to keep quiet about it, or would you be tempted to confront her? And think about this, if you did confront her, and she figured out your source, would she be able to trust you as a friend and partner? Invading someone's privacy to me has always been a sketchy topic. You have to be really really careful when treading on that terrain.

I don't know if i have been any help .. pretty new to this message board myself ..... but i will keep up with your sitch. I can reassure you, that people on this board are very supportive and offer wonderful suggestions. So keep coming back, and good luck. Helen

[jane2]

My wife has always maintained friendships with other men which I have always supported because I have trusted her and she is a person that is trustworthy. Recently, she has developed an intimate friendship with a M co-worker who is going through a divorce. She insists there is nothing more than friendship; however, I am scared to death.

This may not be what you are looking for but I'm all about the truth and having as much info as possible. So..I'm going to quote something

From the book "not just friends" by shirley P Glass Ph.d with Jean staeheli

first page of the book.......

"Surprisingly, the infidelity that I'm seeing these days is of a new sort. It's not between two people who are intentionally seeking thrills, as is commenly believed. The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing they've crossed the line between plotonic friendship into romantic love. 82% I've treated have had an affair with someone who was at first "just a friend."

It goes on to say the work place is the new danger zone.

Not what you wanted to hear I'm sure.

Should I keep monitoring the e-mails even though it is killing me to know she has such an intimate male friend?

That is up to you, most people here will tell you not to. I, however, believe in knowing the truth. Better to find out NOW than later. I'm sure you'll have many people here disagree with me. it's just MO.

Good luck

[COG]

Thank you for your response. Your advice is honest and supportive. You're right, we do have a special relationship that is growing in intimacy. My jealousy and her will, are holding us back right now. We live near each other and interact just about every day. She is the love of my life and I am in the struggle of my life. We are both hopeful for reconciliation, but we can't seem to find the answer. I appreciate the time you spent for your response.

Tony

[TC]

Hey Tony.. I, too, am all about the TRUTH. I don't see a problem with you finding out the TRUTH via snooping or whatever you have to do. The problem lies in the fact that all the snooping of her e-mails is keeping YOU from getting a LIFE. I know, been there, done that. I used to monitor my H's e-mail, his credit card activity online, etc. It became almost addictive. I HAD to check out what he was doing everyday via my snooping. Finally, one day, I just got sick and tired of having no life, and told myself to STOP focusing on HIM and to start focusing on ME. I replaced that behavior of snooping with other things for ME...going to the gym, going shopping for new clothes, getting a manicure, going out with my girlfriends, etc. So, in summary, I see no harm in snooping to find out the truth, but there comes a point where the snooping takes over and interferes with Tony getting a life for Tony! So, what have you done lately to make Tony happy???? TC

[COG]

Good question! Well, yesterday was a rough day but today I am doing very well thank you, and thanks to this website. It feels so good to let go of jealousy, doubts, and fears. Today I am full of the power of the Holy Spirit who came to me this morning about 3:00 am. This weekend I am going on a three day spiritual retreat. My house is clean, and the kids are back with me for Wed. and Thurs. nights. Life is good when I just let go and put my total trust in the Lord.

Tony

[TKKC1]

Hi Tony,

Two years of separation? Wow, you are truly committed. If you get a chance, check out my thread and let me know what you think. Interesting coincidence, I have my boys on wed and thurs also. They bring so much joy! I am so fortunate!

Thanks,

TKKC1

[COG]

TKKC1,

Thanks, I feel the same about my kids. I actually have them 50/50 for nightimes, every Wed, Thurs then every other weekend. I tell you I think every wife should make her man live on his own with the kids for a few months. I learned real quick how difficult it is to run a household.

March 15th will be 2 years of separation. We live and work close by so we have seen alot of each other during this time. We have spent all the holidays together etc., but just not lived in the same house. Looking back it has been agonizingly painful alot of the time. I lost 30 pounds, could'nt stop crying, and the pain just would not stop for about the first six months or so. I even contemplated suicide many times (I would never do it though). I sure am glad I finally found this website though. It's only been a week but I already feel much better about my life.

On Monday I did 180's on calling her, and on feeling sorry for myself. Wow, what a difference that little change made in her in only two days. Last night she was warmer and more enthusiastic than she has been in four years. She actually said she had really good "feelings" about me and our evening together. She hugged me before I hugged her. She sat closer to me on the couch than she has in four years. I almost felt a little smothered. That is a huge change. I am going to enjoy this feeling, but I am not going to read more into it than what it is. It was a small success and today is a new day. I am sticking with these 180's because they are working right now. I am going to give her space, talk about other things besides our relationship, spend more time thinking and talking about my hobbies (backpacking and my upcoming trip to Italy), try to be a little less available, and most importantly act happy and enthusiastic. We'll see where this goes.

I read about your sitch, give me an update when you get a chance. I like the contract idea, but just be careful about setting and relying on time lines. You might be setting yourself up for dissappointment if you guys don't get back together when your contract says your supposed to. Contracts can always be extended though right!

My Best,

Tony

[autumndaze23]

Hi Tony,

Looks like you are doing really well .... picked up the DB'ing pretty quickly . I think it is wonderful that you are concentrating on yourself and your kids. The W will notice you pulling away, and you will definitely start looking more attractive to her, plus you will feel much better.

I am so jealous that you are going to Italy. That is the next place on my list to visit. I am a travel hound, if i could find a way to make a career of it, i would. Have you been to Spain? My whole family is from there, and i lived there for 2 years when i graduated from university. Europeans have such a wonderful attitude about life.

Sorry about that digression, i hear about travel, and it gets my brain going. Make sure to have an awesome time, and send your W a postcard describing your awesome adventure.

Drop by my sitch when you get a chance. Hugs Helen

[ObiWan]

sounds counter-intuitive, but snooping really doesnt help. All it does is crank up your emotions. If you snoop and find nothing, you convince yourself that she's hiding them or deleting them. If you do find something, how will this help your DB quest? All it does is drag your mental state down.

Hang in there; if there is an EA going on, you need to be strong and be her friend. You need to be a better friend than he is.