My background: 2 children, 6 & 9, married 12+ years and I thought we were happy (Until) -- Wife is a stay at home mom and does a fantastic job - I obviously lost sight of what was important in life and eventually W thought I was taking advantage of her and said I walked around with a chip on my shoulder and was grumpy most (allot) times.
I have learned many things which are in my previous thread(link) including that I did not have to be the heavy (disiplinary). Many times after coming home and the kids are arguing with the W, I would step in and end it -- turns out she did not want that, she was handling it but I *thought* that is what I had to do, not necessarily wanted to do. No more. As for time and taking advantage, I went back to school and did spend approx. 25+ hours per week studying, again, no more time constraints like that - I wait for everyone to go to bed, then I study. Sure I get tired and I am learning that an A- is still OK - Tough for us type A's
I have a 95% changed attitude, the other 5% is tough (Bad days etc.)
Funny - I have learned recently that many if not most of our issues were related to her taking the ids and heading home for 3-4 weeks every year. I am miserable while they are gone and it showed every time, apparently I rubbed off and made it difficult on her being there, making her feel guilty for wanting to be with her family etc. I could not see it her way and she could not see it mine, so I resisted and fought it - every year. She has also had the perception that I do not like her family and although through the last 15 years I have made comments, I certianly do not feel that way. Even today, she made the same comments and after discussing travel plans, she does not think I am sincere about being OK with her going -- I told her to have faith, stop going down the cheesless tunnels and let me prove this to her. Well after much crying and discussion, she agreed. Oh SH&%, I have to make sure I do not digress and even though I am true to my word, (I am ok with this), I mus tdemonstrate it without ANY backslides - how.
To be honest, I have made so many changes and am so happy with them, I am beginning to think I need more (I asked her today and she said no, she has seen the many changes and likes them). We are now ML on a regular basis and enjoying "being in our skin" more now, than ever, we are exploring more about our sexuality thatn we have ever done. We are taking showers together, regularly and enjoying the touching and washing each other (Intimacy). I could not be happier on these marks.
Why am I still so scared that this will fall apart? How do I assure myself that we are going to make it? My W does see these insecurities and they must not be pretty --
I need to re-develop my goals and establish a stage 2 I suppose. One other question - I do have some outstanding questions for my W, they do fall into a sensitive subject and will be perceived as an insecurity - how do I approach them? There are a few questions and once answered will certainly help me to focus on nothing other than the positive.
Gott run, I will work on the goals --
Don't be the person your spouse can live with -- be the person they cannot live without!!
Hey MN..welcome to piecing..there are so many new people around here..great..I am a vetern..been here 2 years..h and I are s,1 1/2 yrs, but on the terrific road to rebuilding..and like you I have made many changes and the trick is to make them life long..daily..about the insecurities..I have so many and I keep tellign my h I ned to talk about them in order to get past them..with time and patience they will fade..as I am told by many wise people here.You sound like you have made tremendous changes in your life..
Quote: Why am I still so scared that this will fall apart? How do I assure myself that we are going to make it?
Simple, attainable goals... Once the goal is reached the next builds on the success of the last. PMA builds and the negative thoughts are pushed aside by the overall success of the sitch.
Probably the best assurance that you will succeed is to read back through your thread to see how far you've come. Now, also become aware of the things you found you HAD to leave behind to grow in your R. As long as you continually fight to leave those things behind, there can only be brighter days ahead in you R.
Hoping, nitaf and Dazed - Thanks I actually do know I must make this life long - funny, the changes feel like te have been there all along - they already feel comfortable to me and I like what I see. Of course, I am not "there" yet, I still need to work on things like patience etc. but I assume these are lifelong journeys. I have come a long way and looking back to see what progress I have made and what I left behind is a good idea. I am planning to sit with my wife and go through our goals again; I at least would like to hear hers so I can re-adjust to meet her expectations. I have asked and she says she is happy and thrilled with all the help etc. She must be because we are closer now than we have been in more years than I can remember
Dazed, I like the tiered goals you describe. This would work better for me instead of individual goals. Unfortunately, I do feel I will need some answers to some nagging insecurities I have (at least I feel that way now, who know a month from now).
My immediate hump is the W is going away this weekend with a girlfriend for a concert and shopping - I need to continue to ask very little (The 52 questions type) and be supportive, she is OK with questions as long as it does not feel like an interrogation (I do not blame her on this). If I shut up long enough she will more than likely tell the entire weekend anyway (I am interested more than anything, not untrusting). I plan to pack them a light lunch with some snacks, drinks and a thermos of special coffee for the drive. I would like to pack something in the overnight bag for her to say I love you but I am not sure what...Maybe just a note or card? Thanks for the advice -
Don't be the person that your spouse can live with -- be the person they cannot live without!!
