Quote: The conversation got heated, I started crying, & then thankfully got a grip on myself and calmed down & said I had expected some backslides and that he would still have feelings for her. He then calmed down immediately. And we had a good conversation..he then said he was sorry and he had a panic attack when he had feelings for her, and said he had not expected to backslide.
Sounds like you're handling it beautifully. It's normal for where they are.
Another book on emotional reactivity. I could use that right now, so I'm going to look for it.
Keep doing exactly what you are doing!!
Try not to dwell on the OP, as hard as it can be. I heard from my H and a friend that OW was reportedly afraid of me (you'd laugh if you could see me). I wasted too much time thinking about the A rather than my M. It's a mistake you don't want to make, esp. while your H is home.
I know, it would seem that way, that she should be afraid of me..maybe she is for all I know. Maybe I have watched too many Lifetime For Women movies, but I don't feel like she is a stable person. Here is why: She has lived here for 4 years and has no friends, literally no support network. She is divorcing her husband (this allegedly occurred before she and my H. got together) and as a note he was also her former professor - not the best pattern. Her entire family lives in another country - so there is no support there. And, the main thing is before this happened, she was very obsessive about what I was wearing and my make-up...it was really weird. She always stopped me in the hall and would literallly notice if I was wearing new eyeliner and quiz me about it and then talk about how pretty she thought I was....it was so over the top that I was uncomfortable, and this is before she and H. got together (or I think it was). She is 2 years older than I am (I am 35), so she is not a young 20 year old... There are other things like she was always interested in our adoption and wanted progress reports and she came into my office and listened to lullabies with me, this is after they started their R....
I don't know, all this together to me, does not paint a picture of a stable person, a person with no network of support except my H., in a stressful phd program, who was seemed overly interested in my clothing and appearance... I don't know if I am over reacting b/c I tend to have anxiety, or if these are valid issues to be concerend about, or if I am focusing on them, to get the focus off of me and our R.!
That said, I guess I am going to work on following the advice of not focusing on her. She is not my problem, he is. I need to have a plan of action of how I will cope when I See her. Or a plan on how to minimize the times I see her.
It's funny you mention some of my colleagues might know. My H. is clueless, he thinks no one knows....I just cannot imagine that that is possible.
Tonight's update:
I have not heard from H. tonight...in the past, before things got like this I mean, he would have called from out of town a few times..in some ways it is sad then b/c I feel like it is this crazy game...he called me too many times today (in his mind) so now he is going to back peddle......However, even though this is causing me some pain, I have not started calling him and pursuing him. I left him one voice mail when I came from yoga. Now I am going to sleep. So, this is progress for me at least.
Tomorrow I am spending time with girlfriends in Cincinnati and going to the art museum. I will probably come back into town after he gets home, and that is good for me as before I would not have made any plans so I could be here when he got home!
Kelly that does sound really stressful....especially having to live with the general fear that you will run into her somewhere....Also having lost friendships as a result, or not lost them, but having not to see them..
Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? I highly recommend it and Laurie (DB COACH) recommended it to me. I just started working through it, but it approaches infidelity from all perspectives - yours, his, hers, and so one and talks about rebuilding.
I hear you about the DRAMA...in the past I was a drama queen. It's odd, I was not always a drama queen, or that is not the role i always played in relationships. However, H. is very detached and "calm" and the more dramatic I got through our various life crises the more detached he got and the more dramatic I got and so on, until I realized I was always in some kind of turmoil...Terrible cycle. I am looking forward to retraining myself to get out of it.
1) I would be interested in any suggestions for dealing with times when my H. seems to be vague about his whereabouts, or to be out of contact for longer than normal? Or, I should say, techniques for dealing with my concerns about this without expressing them to him! Thanks. I have an appt. with Laurie, but not until she returns from her trip.
2)For those with a depressed spouse - My H. let his medication (for depression) prescription run down to 2 left before he called dr. on Friday. However, H. was going out of town, and did not verify the refill. So, for whatever reason, pre. was not called in and so he has missed a dose today. He will likely then not get the refill until late tomorrow afternoon. I have not said anything about this to H., as I would have in the past. But, I find this very frustrating - as if he is not making his mental health a top priority...I guess I wonder how acciedental it is that he didn't call for the refill in advance since it was his first refill and he cancelled his follow-up appt. with Dr. Is this typical bx.? I just feel like how serious can be about this if he is not willing to take responsibility for his own mental health improvement? He is also drinking nightly. Anyway, I have not expressed any of this to him, I know he must improve his MH on his own and my nagging will not help him. But, I did want to hear from others who had spouses who acted in a similar manner during treatment?
The week-end overall was good. Positives:
- I went out with girl friends Sat. night and had a great time. I had been dreading it, b/c none of them know what is going on and I am tired of "Acting." However, I had such a good time and met some new people that I realized my life would not end if he leaves me..I know this is obvious on an intellectual level..but for me on emotional level it has not been clear.
- I fixed the sump-pump (sp.?_) by myself when the basement flooded Friday night and H. was out of town.
- I ordered some new telsescope equipment and am planning to get back to using me telescope.
- I started work on a forgiveness/loving kindess mediation.
- I did some more reading in my Solo Partners book and worked on the worksheets. This led to some goals for myself to deal with my emotional reactivity, blaming, and pursuing.
1. I will not pursue H. when he distants himself from me (e.g., won't vent my frustration with this, or follow him around asking him "what is wrong?"
If I feel my "old brain bx." coming on I will go running, read, take a bubble bath, call friends, or leave the house.
2. I will not vent my concerns about OW to H. at this point.
- If I need to express negative emotions re; OW I will journal or call friends.
3. I will recognize that H. is different than I in his approach to sharing and dealing with emotional issues and not get into the "blame game" ( as I did above!)
I was able to achieve many of these goals today - I know it is a daily thing...but I was very anxious today and wanted to know how things were with us, how he was, and so so on...but I refrained and left house to run errands.
