Hellish Roller Coaster/2 Steps Forward, One Back?

[Celine44]

Hi - My H. and I just started piecing back our M.. I am thrilled and feel DBing on my part played a major role. However, I NEED HELP!!! One, we have already had a major backslide...is this normal? Two, any advice on not loosing progress and mind is needed. (I posted on Newcomers a few times before and Infidelity).

Briefly, H. is depressed and on medication, had an emotional and physical affair for 4 months, and was not sure he wanted to stay with m, although we continued to live together. After 6 weeks, H. said he wanted to work things out, had ended all contact with OW and was not going to be in contact with her, and wanted to stay with me and the baby...asked for forgiveness etc. A week later he spent 20 minutes with OW after walking me to my car at work and kissing me good-bye ( we all work together), then lied about it seeing her, the & kin told me he had talked to her, and then basically said he was not sure anymore about what he wanted....

The creepiest part was that I left him at work and he seemed relatively normal and happy and loving, and 3 hours later I came home to an alien. He looked terrible and he was acting scary - like frozen or enraged....(hard to tell which). It was very scary to me - he was like a different man. How can someone have such huge personality changes in 3 hours????

The conversation got heated, I started crying, & then thankfully got a grip on myself (thanks to Buddha Nature tapes I had been listening to suggested by someone here- Sage perhaps) and calmed down & said I had expected some backslides and that he would still have feelings for her. He then calmed down immediately. And we had a good conversation..he then said he was sorry and he had a panic attack when he had feelings for her, and said he had not expected to backslide. Since then he feels we are back on track.

Ok, so is this "normal" - or a bad sign? Honestly, I cannot shake the pit in my stomach...to think we were back on track and moving forward, and then to have this happen and so quickly, I feel a constant sense of anxiety. Nothing seems real to me now..I was almost more "comfortable" when it was clear that he didn't know what he wanted. MY T. says it is clear he is not truly ready to be accountable to this relationship at this point and i can only focus on myself and I cannot believe him when he says he is committed....my head is spinning..has anyone been there?

Any other advice for keep the R going forward? I am reading a book called Soul Partner...good stuff on emotional reactivity (me!)

Thank you in advance,
Celine44

[sage]

Hey Celine,

the forward and back progress is normal. sounds like you're doing the right things -- focusing on the stuff you can control, self soothing, etc (yah, it was me that recommended the Jack Kornfield tapes!). FWIW, I think it's a very positive sign that h talks with you about his feelings and confusion.

Sage

[Celine44]

Thanks Sage - good to hear from you, I have been reading your thread - really helpful. The BN tapes have a meditation where you imagine a difficult situation you are in with someone or something, then you imgaine another person coming to the door - a spiritual person such as Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Mohammed, God and so on - and then you imagine that this peron takes your place in your body and "handles" the situation..... This came to my mind during my discussion with H. regarding OW - and i imagined Mary (yeah I am Catholic

O ) taking my place for that moment and how she might handle and it made me able to listen COMPASSIONATELY and this is what turned the conversation itself around.

Ok, I wanted to sort of journal here and mention some positive and things I read after I posted last night.

1) No Negative Expressions to H.: IN my book on Solo Partners -> he notes that a relationship in trouble cannot handle the expression of more negative emotion. For some reason, this really hit me, it's like we are a social system under stress, and we cannot absorb any more hurt and anger. I need to remind myself of this daily as we move (crawl ) forward.

The author, much like Michele WD, suggests venting to friends and dealing with negative emotion in other ways. I think I have made the mistkae that b/c H. said he was recommitted, we were going to WORK on the R. and that means sharing in my book (yeah, part of my past problem - way too much sharing and pursuing, he distances).

2) Old Brain Behavior- I have been making changes in my interaction style - dealing with emotional reactivity issues and my blaming issues - according to Solo Partner author, the more changes you make the other partner will at first resist these changes and escalate problems. It's OLD BRAIN on his end...he is uncomfortable with the lack of conflict, and that Old Brain stem wants to fight.

Then I in turn reacted to his reaction... and that is why I have been such a wreck, in part, since then. My Old Brain, wants to fight or flee...it wants to DO something. I think just knowing this and having a plan of action in advance will make a big improvement for me.

3) Reconnection thread - I read Snodderly's reconnection post. I am starting to see physical changes in H., good ones, this is really interesting then b/c I thought it wa "weird" that my H. had such a notable physical change - tight face, narrow eyes, clenched fists, during the time he eas unsure of us..but it is not. His face is more relaxed now his eyes brighter....(hey and I look better after losing 15 pounds in 8 weeks -LOL!!)

Positives:

1) I have fantastic friends! Male and female who have helped me through this. I didn't tell our families and had to choose wisely with friends b/c we are connected through work. So, went to old girl friends....I knew I had great friends, but had become isolated with H. in many ways, only doing stuff with him. One goal is to not lose this connection with my good girl friends in particular.

2) I am learning to get control of my own emotions, somehting I have never had much of. And interestingly, something I resent my mother for....she is more reactive than I am so I think I felt ok to point the finger....hello! I am thankful to have this chance to learn this.

3)H. is out of town and I have handled one situation well - he sounded distant on the phone when we talked and I had a panic moment. Old me would have said, "What is wrong?" blha balha blaha and basically started a fight. I remained upbeat and got off the phone before he did. He called again later, had good conversation, then he told me he would not be able to talk to me until Fri. evening. I basically said GREAT! Looking forward to it, hope your talk goes well ! and so on. And my voice was sincere. And so we all know what happened...he called me at 7 AM before he left. I am happy he called, but the important point is that I had a handle on myself.

Celine
PS: Has anyone ever heard from Expecting In MD again? I have been wondering how she is..she is due with a baby. My guess is she has had it now.....

[sage]

Thanks Sage - good to hear from you, I have been reading your thread - really helpful. The BN tapes have a meditation where you imagine a difficult situation you are in with someone or something, then you imgaine another person coming to the door - a spiritual person such as Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Mohammed, God and so on - and then you imagine that this peron takes your place in your body and "handles" the situation.....

This is my all time favorite meditation. I posted about it here a while ago because I find it SO helpful...one thing that I particularly love about it is that the "right" thing that you need just seems to pop into your head...and it's been with you all along!!!!

BTW -- rest of your post is awesome stuff...welcome to piecing!

Sage

[love_endures4ever]

Hi C44,

Wow, I think you're doing awesome! Great that you are making changes in you. As you know, this is the only person we can control.

And like Sage said, all of H's behaviors are normal..for MLC. How you handle all of this is the key. Oh and the anxiety, I can relate to that feeling. It was like my body was "electric" I was on full alert and couldn't relax or get calm. Lost weight because the appetite does leave during times of anxiety.

The learning process we all go through during this does take time. So keep working on yourself, it sounds like you have some really good reading material, and keep dbing.

Cathy

[Celine44]

Thanks Cathy - I feel somewhat better hearing what is "normal" in this situation.

Ok, some questions for those who dealt with an OP - has anyone out there ever worked with the OW? (or OP?). I just saw the OW in the restroom, and I feel all shakey inside. None of us are going anywhere for awhile (e.g., at least one year), so I have to find a way to work with this. Part of me keeps thinking, "this is not workable." I am not sure if she knows that I know, but I am beginning to think my bx. has made it obvious. I made an effort to act normal around her so things would not look odd to outsiders, but our interaction pattern has changed a lot, we used to talk etc.

Also, has anyone been somewhat fearful of the OP? I mentioned before that I am anxious person normally, so that is part of it, but I am afraid that she will escalate and do something to harm me, my H., or the baby the more he pulls away from her. Is this crazy thinking? Any thought stopping techniques work for anyone other than the stop sign? (stop sign is not doing it for me.) One thing is, everytime I see her, I become angry at H. again for choosing an OP who works with us. She is also a doctoral student, NOT one of ours...he is not evaluating her, but nonetheless there are power issues here that concern me.

Let me finish with two positives:

1. H. sent me two warm emails after our call today. He used a pet name for me that he has not used in awhile, which is a plus. And said ILY.

2. I have been able to focus on work for the first time in 8 weeks. Part of my goal is to get back to what I love doing, and I love doing research, and have not been able to think. Today I did some research-related activity for a few hours.

3. I am going to hot yoga tonight, and went last night as well. Also have very cool new yoga outfit


happy week-end to all.

[love_endures4ever]

Also, has anyone been somewhat fearful of the OP? I mentioned before that I am anxious person normally, so that is part of it, but I am afraid that she will escalate and do something to harm me, my H., or the baby the more he pulls away from her. Is this crazy thinking? Any thought stopping techniques work for anyone other than the stop sign? (stop sign is not doing it for me.) One thing is, everytime I see her, I become angry at H. again for choosing an OP who works with us. She is also a doctoral student, NOT one of ours...he is not evaluating her, but nonetheless there are power issues here that concern me.

OW should be afraid of you, not the other way around. Does OW seem unstable? Is that why you're fearful?

Blow her off, why should you even talk to her. It's going to be kind of hard to hide it especially if you all work today, just the dynamics and your feelings are going to alert coworkers that something might be up. Some might already know or suspect, but that's just my opinion.

Focus on you, she is a plaything, and really isn't important. It's going to be hard for you H since he does work with OP and you as well.

Can't respond to the doctorate/power issues you fear. Exactly why would those be and how would they affect your H?

Cathy

[kll1017]

Yes, I work with the OW. My SO is in love with her AND she works with me. No PA but SO's emotional attachment has been going on for 18months (or longer as OW was our best friend). I dismissed my worries forever due to trust in our relationship. OW has not done anything wrong except to contact SO early on (they have not seen each other, that I am aware of, since Aug 03) after she knew about the feelings for her. She has said feelings are possibly returned BUT she would not act on them while we are still together. SO never any relief at work or at home. And I still care for her as a friend and respect that she has not outright endangered my relationship on purpose. Though I wish I'd never asked about her feelings.

I worry constantly (we are in a very small town) that we will run into her or they will run into each other (WORSE) when I'm not around and just add gasoline to the flame simmering so strong in SO. We have mutual friends we don't see now, etc. It has just been awful.

Have been DB off and on since last April when I found out, but with increased "detachment" since Feb 18 when I had appt with DB counselor (Dotty). TOO MUCH DRAMA (brought on by me and insecurity...OW very non-emotional type, independent for the most part so I've been regrowing that for a year).

Have to tell you our relationship is severely damaged. We don't ML, we don't know how to just be together anymore. Used to love the weekends and the companionship with SO, but now dread, anxiety, fear we'll be sleeping separate, moodiness. Etc.

I am 41, SO is 38, together 11 yrs, S19, stepson12. 2nd marriage.

And I'm pooped from the emotional work.

Kelly

[kll1017]

OH, Celine44, I looked for book Solo Partner on Amazon. com. It sounds helpful, but I couldn't find. Could you post the name and author? I don't think DB people would mind!!

Thanks,

[Celine44]

Kelly- the title is:

The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own
by Phil Deluca.

Now it is out of print, but available used on Amazon. That is how I bought it about 3 weeks ago.....I found it by going to google and typing in the book's title and author, it links to amazon. When I went to Amazon first, I couldn't find it for some reason. It is a great book in my opinion...it will tell you a lot of things you perhaps already know, but I like the framework of the book. Very helpful. And there are worksheets in each chapter, so it is very solution focused which is in line with DBing.

Good luck!

C.