Pam, What, in your mind, will jump start those sexual feelings in you?
If you know what the holdup is, then I would personally focus on THAT issue and resolve it prior to sharing a bedroom again.
If you aren't sure, then I would say that sometimes it is beneficial to put the cart before the horse. It might help recreate those feelings. Right now, I imagine that after an EA and the separate bedrooms that intimacy (of any kind, as evidenced by the foot massage) would seem weird. So to think about it now it might be easy to convince yourself that you are not ready for it, when in fact you have just become unaccustomed to it. That is where just doing it would be helpful because it would be allowing your actions to dictate your feelings instead of your feelings dictating your actions.
Also, I had an idea re: the sleep thing. Why not just say to your H that a condition of the marriage continuing is absolutely NO SEX after you have fallen asleep? That way, there will never be any mistaking if you are awake and consenting or asleep and being taken advantage of by your very own husband.
A plan like that assumes, of course, that you will not fall asleep on the couch every night and things like that. It would be contingent on you both going to bed together and mutually agreeing on whether you will be having sex that night.
What do you think of that?
Honeypot
P.S. Good to see you again and it looks like things are on the upswing. VERY happy to hear it.
It's good to hear from you again Pam. I'm going to think about your situation for a while. It sounds really tricky and I might need an update.
My first question is why don't you trust him?
Secondly, are your feelings for your H still good and loving? Are you still attracted to him etc?
Are you trying to simply step up to the plate and "just do it" to hopefully gain the benefits that Michele talks about in SSM but are finding that the "reptillian" portion of the brain is taking over and preventing it? Is your mind ever "into it" when being touched at any point? Are you able to feel horny while alone? Do you "take care of" yourself ever (in a sexual way)? You mention the "give, give give" thing? (this is like my W) Why would you avoid "giving" to yourself?
It might simply be a case where the C might be a good approach.
Sorry for the 50 questions. I've gotten much better at my form of unlicensed-hack-psychology here. I've learned to talk a pretty good game. But from reading about your sitch a while ago, there is something making want to really stretch myself to help you out.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Hi Pam. I was thinking about you just the other day.
I assume that Glenn knows about the EA...of course, he will, given that he comes to this board, too.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and help the two of you...you seem to be great people. But, I don't have such a wand. I know you both have been through and are going through hell. I'm thinking the "cart before the horse" approach might be a good one.
First of all, thank you ALL for the kind words. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and trying to help us. It's both wonderful and awful to see you still here... I'm sure you understand why.
Quote: Tim said It sounds to me like fusion and trust are still very big issues at your house. It also sounds to me like by offering him a shared bed, but then waffling due to the sexual issues, that you're sending mixed messages. Sounds like you still need some space to deal with the issues around whether you can trust him enough to become sexual with him again...
I still haven't managed to read PM (still only a few pages into it), but I must agree with the fusion and trust issues. I don't want to send mixed messages and wind up rejecting him. My thinking was that I am committed to working on our marriage; I'm not giving up afterall. As helpful as it has been to have solitude at night, I hate that he is downstairs in our guestroom; it also bugs me that our kids seem to think it's perfectly normal for us to have our own bedrooms. Not very strong reasons for it, are they?
Quote: honeypot said What, in your mind, will jump start those sexual feelings in you? Why not just say to your H that a condition of the marriage continuing is absolutely NO SEX after you have fallen asleep? That way, there will never be any mistaking if you are awake and consenting or asleep and being taken advantage of...
Right now, I'm not sure what if anything will jumpstart my libido! I have been focusing on taking better care of myself and I'm ready to start looking for work again. Loosing some weight and being employed will definitely help, I believe. I've been in a rut and am slowly digging my way out so to speak. I thought by inviting him back to our bedroom that things would be more normal around our household. We could make babystep gestures toward being romantic and intimate again, but without pressure. The problem is that the condition you suggest has been voiced in the past, and it wasn't respected. I told him a few months ago that as long as he can't give me a real answer as to why/how he could break that condition that I wouldn't be able to trust him (in bed). I realize that must sound incredibly anal to some, but... as I've tried to explain before, I'm a very deep sleeper, and I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, so my consent is extremely critical. Oh, and btw, I don't have the habit of falling asleep anywhere except my bed!
Quote: AtlDave said My first question is why don't you trust him? Secondly, are your feelings for your H still good and loving? Are you still attracted to him etc? Are you trying to simply step up to the plate and "just do it" to hopefully gain the benefits that Michele talks about in SSM. Is your mind ever "into it" when being touched at any point? Are you able to feel horny while alone? Do you "take care of" yourself ever (in a sexual way)? You mention the "give, give give" thing? (this is like my W) Why would you avoid "giving" to yourself?
I don't trust him to allow me to blossom without pressuring me. In the past, my consent (nor consciousness) wasn't necessary for him to get it on with me, and that hurt me emotionally and mentally. Yes, I still love him and want to rebuild our marriage. I took the "just do it" approach shortly after becoming a member here and it didn't work for me. I'm not making that mistake again. I won't rush myself. I haven't felt horny in quite a while (at least a few months now), to be honest. I'm not sure what you're looking for with the giving question.
Quote: hairdog I'm thinking the "cart before the horse" approach might be a good one.
I somewhat agree Harry, and that's why I asked him about it a few nights ago. I wanted input from you guys here because I know how dreadful bedtime can be for you and I don't want to have H resume his side of the bed just to be frustrated. I'll have to give it alot more thought I guess.
I'm not sure what you're looking for with the giving question.
Pam, I was asking this because I had a couple of ideas around this issue. It was mostly rhetorical. But my neighbor is a "giver" and there's a huge relationship between this behavior and her recent D. It's an interesting case because her friends (and my W) think she's a saint because she's such a "giver" but I've now learned that she's "other-validated" and SHE was a major contributor to the failure of the marriage...not just her psycho husband. I've gotten pretty good at doing PMish analysis. The "giving" question might be the most relevant one of all now that you've admitted that all the lowe-level things are in place.
Good luck. I'll cook on some thoughts about your sitch for a while and get back.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Hiya Pam. One suggestion I have about jump-starting your libido is that you should schedule (yes, SCHEDULE) two times a day, a period of intense sexual fantasizing. You don't have to mb during these times, but if you feel the urge, you should do it.
Doctor Hairdog - Take two of these, and call me in the morning.
But from reading about your sitch a while ago, there is something making want to really stretch myself to help you out.