Quote: I was working on it 80% and H didn't realize he was only working 45%, or so, until the other day. He hadn't heard my pleas for help. He hadn't heard my love for him. He didn't realize that he was trying to keep me in his pocket and control me. He hadn't heard that he was pushing me away. He thought my lack of libido was something he had to correct with sexual stimulas rather than looking at the big picture, including himself.
What you said above is NORMAL. Us HD guys will automatically keep going down cheeseless tunnels of sex trying to turn you LD ladies on. Heck, until I started reading books, I had no real clue as to how women think, and it still is hard for me to understand. You just now are starting to get to the point where both of you might be ready to move forward into a marriage where yo get far closer together and will team up to tackle the problems you have. Stay the course, you have the ship turned in the right direction!
Quote: CeMar wrote: Us HD guys will automatically keep going down cheeseless tunnels of sex trying to turn you LD ladies on.
I'm really tired of this. I'm not an LD lady. I desire and enjoy sex, which I was able to prove to myself the past few months. Our relationships can't be stereotyped into HD/LD/ND categories! It's also dangerous to "automatically keep going down cheeseless tunnels of sex" because it's a total TURN OFF.
I would like to start off by saying thank you for all of your support, but most of all I would like to publicly thank my wife (Aquarian).
Since I have discovered that my wife was posting on this board, I began reading her posts and was devastated by some of them. I told her that I would like her to communicate her feelings with me first instead of reading them for the first time like everyone else, but it continued. I backed off that request as I was finding this to be her true feelings and felt it was more important to hear what her true feelings were rather than have her close up again, as one of our main issues was communicating.
You see, for the past three months I thought that we were making very good progress. Reading the SSM book was great, as I was starting to feel a connection again. When W began initiating, and ML more often, I took that as everything is going to be fine and I was getting on the right track with what I needed to do to validate her, and she was working through what she needed to.
Last week's post was the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. My first reaction to this was utter shock, total devastation, confusion, very alone and helplessness. I spent the next few days crying and confused as I didn’t understand why this was happening. In the last 3 months everything seemed to be getting better. I was so devastated that it physically was making me sick.
For the first time in a very long time I finally heard myself talking and until I started to hear myself I couldn’t her. Although my eyes were blurry from all of the tears I began to see what my wife has been trying to say all of these years. Over time when she would try to tell me anything that infringed on the safety net I would talk her out of what she was saying, out of my own fears until she gave in to my feelings and needs and continued to pretend that everything was OK. The more I cried the more it became clearer. I made a realisation that I haven’t been true to who I was and in fact lost touch with who I truly am.
I am beginning to see our relationship and marriage through her eyes and I am beginning to understand how she must have felt and feel the way in which she does. I have been so focusing on only one aspect of our marriage that I lost touch with the rest of it not noticing this wasn’t the issue to begin with. I may be wrong but believe that when she says “she doesn’t want this marriage” she doesn’t want to continue to try and save what our marriage has become.
For those of you who have been following LDWife/Aquarian's threads, you have a picture of our situation. There may be a loss of intimacy in the bedroom but that is not due to HD/LD/ND in our marriage. I realise that there is a loss of desire to want to be close and intimate due to what is happening outside the bedroom. I know that my wife wants to find herself, find her individuality as a person and get back to being true to herself. I also now can see how the pressures of a marriage can be too demanding to allow this to happen and the need for space is needed.
Just as my wife, I too don’t want what our marriage has become, and feel I need to find myself and be true to myself again. I do feel like we have turned the corner to true happiness, but that must begin with both of us being true to ourselves so we can be true to one another.
I don’t feel anger, guilt, but I do feel remorse for the hurt and pain that I have caused her. I need to learn how to forgive myself for this. I feel humbled and empowered to borrow some of the courage and strength that my wife has shown to allow me to be strong.
I need to take a break for now but do have more I’d like to share.
First, I'm humbled at the thought of being the first to reply to this. But wow, that was extremely relevant. Thanks for coming here and giving us a different perspective on a situation we were already familiar with. You have made the same realizations that I have made and it shakes the earth when you see the marriage through the eyes of your spouse. I look forward to hearing how you guys do. Thank you.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
CH: Your courage continues to amaze me. Your insights into your marriage and the stages it has gone through, the denial, the beginning of both of you admitting that it is not the marriage you had hoped it would be, and perhaps a glimmer of hope that you two can make it a great marriage, provides hope for me, too.
I can understand your ambivalence with Aquarian coming here and sharing her views with us. We are just anonymous strangers. But sometimes it's easier to trust those who you don't see, than to trust those people who are close to you. (Hmmm, kinda sounds like religion. Maybe I should change my name to Hairgod. Sorry )
We are hear, and I think I speak for all when I say we will do whatever we can to provide support for both of you to make it through this. We hope you come out the other end happy and healthy and married.
Thanks for the support AlantaDave & Hairgod humor is a great tool, Thanks for yours when I have none. On that note. I wake-up in the morrning not knowing what the day will hold for me, I'm afraid but know that I must face what ever it is. I had a few days off work to help me re-focus but I never would have guess I'd be where I am today. I was very apprehensive to start the day and ended up haveing a incredible day. I will post some more but I would like to share it with my wife first. I will be changing my user name to reflect this day. ConfusedH
The fact that BOTH of you recognize the problem and feel sorrow for the other in that recognition shows huge promise for a happy outcome.
Please both of you put the past where it belongs...in the past...make tommorow a new day and crack open your copies of dr if you have them and if you don't go buy them...they'll be worth the spare change.
Work together in finding yourselves.
There is no reason you cannot each re-discover who you are and also find again that happines you once sought in eachother. D is not the answer...it is but a temporary fix that only leads to more pain.
I am still a bit confused but each day does get better for me. I changed my user name as to reflect a new begining for me and to stay true to myself and stop hidding. I had forgotten that in a marriage there are times when you need to be that best friend and the other a husband. Today was not so good I worrie about Pam as she has been fairly quiet. I guess that is to be expected. I hope she and I have a better day tommorow.
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humor is a great tool, Thanks for yours when I have none. On that note. I wake-up in the morrning not knowing what the day will hold for me, I'm afraid but know that I must face what ever it is. I had a few days off work to help me re-focus but I never would have guess I'd be where I am today. I was very apprehensive to start the day and ended up haveing a incredible day. I will post some more but I would like to share it with my wife first. I will be changing my user name to reflect this day.
I worrie about Pam as she has been fairly quiet. I guess that is to be expected. I hope she and I have a better day tommorow.