I just read DB last week, and posted last week in Newcomers, but over the weekend some positive things happened, and I guess I just wanted to see what some other people think. In short, my husband is having an affair(6mo) we have been married 8. I have 2 kids with him, 3 older from my first marriage. WAH has been living part time with me part time with her, but had made it CLEAR that he was going to be with her. All the typical I hate you, have forever etc. We are a mistake, kids are better off without us together all that. Lots of hurt.Ive seen many letters from the OW talking about their future, "couples" portraits etc. OK so our agreement was since I need surgery we would live in the same home until Sept, then he would leave, but as of April 1st he would file papers, giving me 6 months of medical benifits.So last week things got the nastiest ever, and he was talking about leaving NOW. Then the subject of therapy came up, from him, and so I scheduled a visit. Thursday of last week he calls from work saying he is spending the night at OW, would be home for therapy(seems silly to me but ok) He gets home and I asked him am I going here to be humiliated. No, he says Im trying. Of course we have gone through this many times, swears he is "trying" and not seeing OW, but always is. Therapist sees us alone since our 1 year old was with us, and asks me first why are you here. He had seen us once before 5 weeks ago, when husband lied about breaking up with OW. I said Im not sure, told him the story, him living there, clothes are there, says he wants a divorce etc, he says well then why cant you see he is making things clear what he wants(at this point Im thinking I should have found a DB therapist for sure). Well then I said well he keeps saying he absolutely wants to leave, but then says he isnt sure, thats why he wants therapy. very confusing. C then says maybe I should talk to him then to see what he wants. Takes him in for 45 min, Im thinking Im gonna walk in to the big bomb being dropped on me in front of the C. The C leans back and says well since you both want to work on things lets see you back next week. I about fell over. This is really the first Ive heard of this from husband. I asked him after to explain a little since he hadn't said that to me before, and he said he wasnt sure about D and really wanted to try, that would be the only way he would know for sure. Now his comments were always like I want to know for sure before I do this, etc. BUT he spent the rest of the weekend here with us, called her once, but it was a short call. I'll tell ya too, this woman is relentless she calls him like6-10 times a day. He never called her back at one point I said are you going to answer it, he says she can wait Im busy with my family. Felt good for a change. We went to church together, and that was nice too, had been a long time since we had gone. So we get home, we cooked a great dinner together, I asked ONE question, and believe me it was hard not to go back into the begging but things had been good I didnt want to mess things up and I asked if he was trying therapy for us, or as a front for his families acceptance. He said for US, he had to make sure he didnt want this before leaving. I thought it an odd way to put things but I tend to over analyze things too. Last night we were sitting and watching the Oscars, and he starts talking about his next car, and what he wants for our next vehicle. I said you are talking about this like I'll be around for your next car, and he says maybe you will. I didnt say anything else, and he started talking about budget, and moving, I finally said you cant talk about moving the family and then you leaving in a month(I have no income so I obviously wouldnt be living in the same place we would get together). He started talking about how the house is stressing him out, too much money, and budget stresses etc. so I talked a little about it, and I said please dont talk about the future unless youre serious about us. He said, maybe I am. "maybe" ugh, but its something right? Then he asked me to try to find us a townhouse we could move to, and send off some of the bills. I did finally say well you have the issue of another woman in your life. He says well if things happen here I'll take care of her. Am I just jumping ahead? Does it sound like serious talk? Do I dare hope? Then last night he woke me up for a little "couple" time, now granted it was quick, and I wasnt sure I wasnt dreaming for awhile lol but it was something that he swore he didnt want last week so Im just afraid to let myself get hurt again. Any more than I already am. I feel very raw, but I am so ready to start to move on too. Does it sound good for us????
Welcome. You definately belong here on the BB and may want to read in both newcomers and here is piecing.
One suggestion is to break up your posts into small chunks of print as it is easier to read.
Your H is at home still and does talk of a future, so you should act "AS IF" there is a future and go with it. Be careful in questioning him out loud when he references the future - just make note in your head. Sure, respond if he asks for input, but otherwise, the less said the better. It can be perceived as pursuing behavior.
Try to figure out the reasons that the two of you reached this point, and then do your part to do some "180's" to try to change them. The fact that your H is willing to see a C is great as many won't.
Get past any resentments that you have about his part in your R not being so great, you can't control him, only you. Changes on your part will, in turn, create changes in him.
Others will give you even more advice than this - this BB is a great place for encouragement, support, caring and the occassional 2x4 on the head.
Come here to vent or ask before you act. Don't give in to impulsive behavior - ask yourself "will this get me closer to my goal of _____?" before acting. If the answer is no - then don't do it.
In the meantime, stay strong and take care of you!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
