Ahh, nothing like that late Saturday night date with the DB BB !!
ABC--you seem to feel triply sure that I consider a separation. Actually, I think both you and Christine are both right, but as you note, there really is no "right" answer.
Not much happening here. W's nights out this week have ended earlier than I suspected. However, she is going out tonight with her sister to do some NYC clubbing. She was wearing a tight sheer white top and ditched her wedding ring--but for the first time ever, put another ring on her left ring finger. As further evidence of her state of mind, she also ditched the wedding ring at a family event today.
I continue to be upbeat. W's edginess was on display early as I was vacuuming. W asked me why I was doing it; was I saying she did a bad job at cleaning the house. I just said the kids had made a mess and I wanted it cleaned. Next time, I'll say she does a great job, but it's virtually impossible to keep up with the kids and I didn't want to leave it for her. I tried to engage her in lighter banter later in the day with some postive feedback, but when she turned edgy, I knew to back off.
At the family event, BIL (W's brother) took me aside to ask how long I intended to let this go on--especially as he saw W's mental condition deteriorating. He said W's mind is set and there is nothing I can do about it. I made my case as best as I could, especially on patience and how I have not really backed off the way I should. I added that every M expert that works to save marriage has told me that the this could take a couple of years--and I could give up or have that patience. He seemed to respect this --especially on the notion that the kids could be worse off with a S and that I could show them real love every day while living with them.
To be honest, the only reason I see for me to leave would be if I wanted to have sex. But my M is important to me than that right now--so I'll just stay with the program.
Quote: To be honest, the only reason I see for me to leave would be if I wanted to have sex. But my M is important to me than that right now--so I'll just stay with the program.
As usual, you seem to have a great attitude and dedication to M and W.
Where is your thread? I am interested in reading it based on what you said about separation. Here is my thread if you would be kind enough to take a look. Thanks,
Seattle, I don't know what I am. But I do know the week my W went away to Florida last month and my growing spiritual journey in faith have played a huge role in transforming my attitude to a place it had never been before--steady, looking forward, and trusting in a grander plan.
Once again, not much happened today. W got home at 3:30 a.m.--but there was not the usual clear smell of cigraettes and alcohol. I got up early, fed the kids, and played various games with them.
We went to noon mass--and at the appointed time to greet fellow parishioners, I shook W's hand. W said, "You don't have to shake my hand." I replied, "Did you want me to kiss you?" She answered with a terse, "No!" But I was cracking up inside ,
Also for what seems like the fourth time in five weeks, the homily was largely about marriage. More precisely, covenant love and how Jesus loves us with all his heart regardless of how we might treat him. This was equated with how we should treat our spouses and why M was a sacrement in the Church--M was not just about what an individual gets out of it, but a command from God on how to live and love.
I seem to have my girls getting addicted to hockey so went to a minor league game this afternoon (my girls will make a great date one day). We invited W, but she declined and we all had a great.
Tonight, I had a few brief convos with her without anything exploding. This is a real baby step--and I'll try to carry it into tomorrow and a positve week ahead.
One noteworthy item is that someone told me (inadvertently) that W had our priest over for coffee and that W was aware of my discussions with him. Perhaps W was trying to get out her side of the story or was asking about annulments--but that she is having any convo with clergy is a good sign because this priest has been adament to me about working on the M.
As for journaling, yesterday afternoon she called to see if I could get home by 7:30 so she could go to a yoga class. When I said I was having a busy day, but thought I could catch the right train, she turned cold and said she doesn't want me to do any favors (I made it home).
We had virtually no contact after that and I went to bed about 10:30. W comes into the bedroom at 11 and acts surprised that I'm asleep and says she has to go to campaign HQ. I just grunt and off she went. Usually, I hear when she comes back (and time), but had a sound sleep through the morning. So I have no idea how long she was out, but she was in bed bside me still in sweats from yesterday (that she did not change is HIGHLY unusual). Oh well. PMA remains high and I have my first RCIA meeting tonight.
Merrick, you are handling yourself well. ... and that includes the pressure you are receiving from WAW and your IL's.
Keep on keepin' on! DBing is like turning the steering wheel of an oceanliner. You can see that you are turning the wheel, but the vessel's momentum seems to continue to carry it in the same direction. ... but keep turning! Eventually, you will see the ship taking a different direction. Watch for those baby steps.
I'm busy at work, but W just called me to talk about two things and I wanted to get this down while it's fresh in my mind.
First, my mother sent her some articles on being a stay-at-home mom and other kid matters with a note that said, "All is well here and hope the same with you." W, who dislikes my mother since Day One, wanted to know if there was some underlying message and what my mother knew about our sitch.
DIGRESSION: My Dad is not too far behind my mother in W's eyes. To give an example, my parents gave my kids a Karaoke machine last Christmas. When my kids opened the giftwrap in front of my parents, W goes, "What are they going to do with that? We can take it back."
RETURN TO POST: Now, don't take this the wrong way, but my mother is the last person I would talk to about my sitch; we just don't have that kind of R (I could start a new and long thread on "home of origin" issues). Right or wrong, I truly believe my mother has little to offer me on this.
In any event, I told W I had no idea since I talked primarily with my father and could not say what he told my mom.
W: Well, what have you told you father? Me: I've talked about where my M was? W: Everything? Where we stand? Me: I told him we may not make it. W: Did you tell him why? How I feel? How we haven't (every reason why M is wrong)? Me: Sure, but I talk to him for support and have no idea what he tells my mother. What's issue number 2?
Control issues here???
Next, she went into her upcoming birthday and how she just wished the day would go away, but she had to do something for the kids. She looked at some Broadway shows and wanted to know if I could get discount tix through work for her and the kids since they'll be off from school of ner B-day. (I'm not included in the plans).
She then said if it were up to her, she'd do nothing because she is "dreading" the day. She wants to escape it.
W: "I hate my birthday and I hate my life. I'm sick of pretending...it's all one big lie. I want to do something on my birthday that takes the least amount of effort and time to pretend. I just want to get it over with. Just something where I can enjoy myself just a little bit without expending a wholelot of energy. This is my life; one big lie. I can't be like you and shut it all out."
I tried validating with lots of uh-huhs. I no longer say I understand because she fights over that as well, but simply said, "Well let me try to get the information you need and we'll go from there." At this, she hung up.
Fortunately, I had some energizong issues at work today and the PMA is still high.
!!
... and that includes the pressure you are receiving from WAW and your IL's. 