What led me to "wake up" and address our SSM, was an event that happened while I was on a business trip in Florida. But before I tell you what it was, I'm going to share explain a method I have always used to judge my commitment to my relationship and how it has moved around over the 10 years, I've been married.
The method starts with a simple question... "If you were in a bar alone, and away from anyone who knew you, and a woman propositioned you for sex fully understanding that there would be no strings attached, then how would you respond?"
I asked myself this from the beginning of our relationship 15 years ago...here's the history of my answers...also note that marriage seemed to end the sex...not birth...it dropped quickly from bi-monthly to quarterly within a couple years. Also note that over this period, that I've tried all sorts of changes to myself, how I interract, etc. with no improvement.
10 years ago (the first years of marriage)... A: Why would I even think such a thing...this is a stupid exercise.
8 Years Ago A: I would simply say NO...afterall, I'm committed to the idea of fidelity!.
6 Years Ago A: It's ok to fantasize about it as long as I never do it...afterall, the rest of the relationship is perfect.
4 Years Ago A: That's a cool fantasy but things like that just don't happen...especially to me.
3 Years Ago A: Hmmm....seriously....what would I do? I desperately want to feel attractive to someone. It couldn't hurt to go to a bar and try to attract the attention of someone as long as it doesn't go any further.
2 Years Ago A: Well, this is my pathetic life. Here I sit alone at a bar and I don't even like drinking. The women ignore me at the bar and at home...I must look like a big dork. I still love my wife so it's probably good that nobody is trying to tempt me.
1 Year Ago A: Oh crap, a 22 year old, attractive girl at this bar wants to hang around me and wants to trade phone numbers...if this were anywhere else (and my wife's brother wasn't with me) would I follow up? Who knows...I guess my fitness club membership is paying off or something.
This Year: A: I've got my body in good shape, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has tought me some good grooming and dressing tips and I now floss daily. If I don't attract the attention of my wife, then I will try to get more "good vibes" from other women. Dropping the "cool" act and being truly happy with myself, smiling and making longer eye-contact with women seems to work great. I get glances back...this is fun.
Last Month (I swear on my life that this next part is true..) A: Holy Sh!t...this woman, at bar, 900 miles from my home...want's to hook up. Play along...play along...this is cool. Holy crap, she's with another couple...real-life swingers...they want to have a big, crazy, nasty orgy! Random, anonymous, kinky.....what should I do. This is what fantasies are made of? Afterall, this is what I've been setting myself up for for the past couple years.
WOW! You went there didn't you? I totaly understand where you are coming from. Are you sure this should be the affair'o meter, sounds more like you sound like you have found the far limits of your patience. I am feeling that I am there too, in a shorter timespan than yours. A friend of mine keeps asking me a similar question, not as eloquent as yours, that I did not quite fully understand until I read your post. It was something along the lines of "Would you feel guilty tommorow if you sated yourself today?" I love my H and I am still attracted to him, but I am getting tired of forcing the issue with him when others seem to be more than willing. So what do you do now?
From a Woman's point of view, I totally understand. Unfortunately, we women get called nasty names such as "bar slut" when we flirt for that kind of attention. It does make your ego go up alot and when you have low self-esteem as it is, it feels darn good. Even if you have no intensions of sleeping with the guy, it's just nice to hear someone say you're good looking and would like to see me if I wasn't married. Usually when this happens I just end up buying him a few beers and talking the night away. Sometimes, believe it or not, that is all a guy wants is to have someone to talk to. Yah...I watch Temptation Island and I understand completely what they are going though at times. Sometimes life plays some unfair games and really tests your faithfulness. Are we bad if we are weak? Trust me, my marriage is deffinately on the point of breaking because of this same situation. I feel for you completely and I don't think you are a bad guy at all for doing what you did. It's probably a memory that you will have forever and die with a smile on your face. So, what does your conscience say to you?
I must have done a good job with my story because, so far, half the responses think I went for the orgy while the other half thinks that I wusssed out.
I might start another thread because this situation was even less emotionally attached than a simple bar-hookup...it was with people who are into sex-for-sport.
You stuck to your guns, remembered your vows, went to your room and.....
I had similar thing happen to me about 5 days before W said she wanted out. I was in Denver on biz and had 3, yes 3 chances to do something that would have stayed in Denver.
What was my reply to the babes? "Thanks but I'm married and I love my wife"
Looking back would knowing what I now and her D talk, would I have done it? Nah! I met what I said when I said I would forsake all others.
Well I guess I'm not a wuss then because I passed it up. Though I did get emails and an invitation to bring my w back down sometime ;-). There's a wild idea.
I guess that my integrity can keep me company on those ever-too-frequent cold nights.
