My husband has given me about every excuse in the book as to why we shouldn't or cannot make love. I have tried changing so many different aspects of our relationship to try to remedy the situation. We ruled out all physical problems and we have touched on several different emotional problems with out any remedies. I am at my wits end, I know that he loves me and I love and desire him very much but I am starting to lose it I cannot live this way any longer. I am a healthy 35 year old women, I would love to converse with someone having similar problems.
Hi Sarah. Welcome and, by the way, sorry you're here. I'm sure others will chime in, but if you've read some of the other posts here, you'll see you're not alone. Some places to start: Have you bought the SSM book yet? Have you shared it with him? You said you ruled out physical problems. I'm assuming you did a testosterone check. Is he on anti-depressants? Most of them are libido killers. Is there a body image problem? Have you or he gained a lot of weight? Is he having an affair? Is he gay? Is he willing to try to save your marriage? Are there kids involved? Did you used to have a good sex life? When did it change?
Answering some of those questions will get you started, and help others help you.
Just to get you ready: it's a long road, and it doesn't always go happy places.
Thanks Hairdog! We have two young children, 3 and 1. Our problems started before I got pregnant with the first one. I suspected that he was having an affair, he just lost interest it seemed overnight. Of course he proclaims he never did such a thing but he was coming home later that usual and then I found out about two years after the fact that there was a women at work who constantly propositioned him to go to hotels for an hour or so after work. He still says that he has never cheated on me. He claimed that this lack of trust scarred him and that was the reason we were not making love. We worked through that, Then it was because I was pregnant, then I was not pregnant but could get pregnant again, then it was he was just to tired after his work. He is not on any antidepressants, his testosterone levels were fine, he does have a tendancy to drink to much he drinks about a six pack of beer everyother day. Our doctor suggested that he cut it out so he did and there was not any change in his libido. I have touched on the Gay subject with him and he proclaims that he is not, he has several close male relatives/friends that are, so he is not homophobic. And I do catch him looking at other women all the time, whenever we go out in public. I did gain weight when I was pregnant but I have lost all of it now and it still does not seem to help the situation. I look just the same as I did when we started going together, except my breasts are a couple of sizes larger. We make love now when I remind him that it has been awhile and it lasts for a couple of minutes and he does not seem to be fully aroused, it is always in the mornings then he says we will do that again later, later never comes. We do not have issues with money, kids or jobs everything is good except for our love life. It is not satisfying to me and he claims it is not to him. I am hoping that my local book store has SSM because I am at my wits end with him.
The fact that sexual interest waned "overnight" coupled with his being "scarred" by your mistrust in him as evidenced by your suspicion that he was having an affair (over defensive?) seems to suggest an affair to me. If not an actual physical affair, perhaps an emotional one.
I know other people will chime in here soon (a lot of people log on at night, because there is NOTHING going on in their bedrooms ) so just be patient, check in daily, and try to help others if you can.
Hey Sarah, I'm sorry you're here too. I hate to say it, but it sure sounds gloomy to me too. Get the book and hopefully he'll be open to reading it as well. I really hope we're wrong.
PS. Is there any way of contacting the woman discreetly? Maybe she will be honest with you after years have passed But seriously, even if he HAS had an affair... you need to decide right now if you want to KNOW the facts (which might very well tear you apart) or just improve your situation. It's much easier saying this from where I sit, but if you want to keep your family intact, it would be best to keep all that in the past and work on your future.
Get the book ASAP and try to read it together so you're not left trying to scheme up ways of getting him to read it too.
I'm really sorry to see you in this boat...it utterly shocks me when I hear that women have this problem too. It makes me want to slap him, tell him to wake up and be freakin' grateful that he's got someone whose interested.
It wouldn't be right for anyone to speculate what the problem is. How does he "relieve" himself? This sounds weird but I'm learning from this site and even my own personal exploration that this is about the most complex thing in the world. Hang in there...
Now for some humor
A neighborhood mom I know is in the same boat. She was very candid about how she takes matters into her own hands etc...It blew me away. I disclosed my situation and she jokingly responded..."gee, I wish we could get my husband and your wife to go play cards while we....".
I hear ya. /-: Sucks. Same boat here, though things have gotten much better recently, both with us and within myself.
So there's hope! It's hard to see, but things can get better, sometimes. And there are a lot of little things that can happen to help you feel better, whether or not there's massive change. Really. As long as you're both willing to work on things (and it sounds like you've got the communication lines open, at least!), then there's hope. (-:
Go, buy the book, read it with him. Good luck!
Here's lotsa hope and a little sympathetic cyber-hug for ya. *hug*
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
This is what message boards are all about! Helping each other out based on our opinions and speculations. The beauty of it all is that we can be as annonymous or informative as we choose.
) so just be patient, check in daily, and try to help others if you can.
But seriously, even if he HAS had an affair... you need to decide right now if you want to KNOW the facts (which might very well tear you apart) or just improve your situation. It's much easier saying this from where I sit, but if you want to keep your family intact, it would be best to keep all that in the past and work on your future. 
