I picked up the SSM book. It is amazing how much of it applies to my relationship with my wife. Some of it is word for word. I am writing to get a little of my chest and hopefully someone else has been in our position and can offer some insight.
We have been together for 14 years, married 9 of them. We have a six year old son. As with many, our relationship was fantastic in the beginning, now it is hardly bearable. I am 35 and I have a normal desire for sex.Once or twice every week or two would be nice. She has very little on no desire. I don't like that, and she knows. She has tried to make changes and we have been to counseling, but nothing changes. As a matter of fact it is getting worse.
I would like to have a woman that enjoys and appreciates being taken care of and pleased. The trouble is, there is no making her happy. She had a dynamite job. If she would have stayed, she would have had two million dollar retirement at age 55. She worked with a bunch of other women, the politics got to be to much so she decide to quit. The next job was alright, a lot less pay. She lasted four years. Same thing, she didn't like the politics and it is not what she wanted to do the rest of her life. So, we sat down and she got to chose what she wanted. She went to school, and now has her own business where she is doing what she likes and can make her own hours. I looked at the financial books and figure she worked a total of twelve 40 hour weeks last year, just enough to break even. Still she is not happy.
I am in the construction trade. Usually I work a lot of overtime. That is how we make ends meet. The last three years,do to the economy, I have only worked eight months per year. Money is tight. I take care of the finances, and can not get her to understand that we have no money. She makes nothing in her business, I am making two-thirds of what I usually make. Still she is mad at me that I don't have the house completely remodeled so we can sell it to get a brand new one.
This is where I have reached my threshold of tolerance with her. We have no work coming up. I am scrambling wondering how the bills are going to get paid. My boss calls up with a six week out of town job. Usually, I would have to check it out with her to make sure it is OK. I said yes right away. It is two hours away. I only stay out of town two nights a week. The other days I am up at 3:30 am, on the road at 4 am. After 8 hours of work, I get back home at 6pm. Just to be with my family. I am beat when I get home. Still, I try to do the dishes, laundry, and some homework with my son. Still, she is mad. She tells me I don't do enough. I had a similar over the road job last year. In addition to the same amount of travel, we were going to a counselor one night a week. She said she would appreciate more help around the house. So, for the next few months, I would cook and clean until eight or nine at night, every night after driving home. I thought it would help and she would be more affectionate. It didn't happen. It only raised the bar for how much she expects from me.
We used to have sex a couple times a week. Then, overnight, it went to once every two weeks. I adjusted. When it got down to once a month, we went together to her counselor. He told me to get a life. He could not believe how much time and effort I put into the relationship. So, I picked up a hobby, now we have had sex three times in the last seven months.In the last two years we have kissed just one quick time. I have lived with the diminished sex, but when she is constantly mad at me for nothing, it makes it hard to justify being married. I have thought long and hard about how I could just get a divorce and eliminate 90% of my headaches. Heck I even did the math, I would be money ahead. But, I grew up without a father and made a vow I would never want my son to go through that. Also, I pray and hope that lovely girl I married some how finds herself , and would magically reappear.
I am going to give her the book and hope she will read it and get something out of it like I have! If you have any thoughts or want additional info or clarification, please write me back. I appreciate any help. Thanks.
I hate to throw in an entirely new vector, but is it possible she is having an affair?
I had a friend with a wife that just railed at him as he did everything he could do. He gave and gave and gave as she demanded more and more. He could never please her. I watched as his health start downhill. There was simply no way he could keep up the pace. She hounded him continuously via his cell phone - even when we were in the middle of business meetings. A couple of months later, he found out that his wife was doing his best friend all along.
I don't mean to upset you, and I hope I am wrong. It just seems very odd to me when I see or hear about extreme cases of inequity in a relationship. In almost every relationship I have seen it in, there was a third party in the mix.
No, not all of my friends are disfunctional :-)
Best of luck, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Dunno. Another possibilty here is our old friend depression. Does your wife show signs of depression? During my/our cash crisis mostly caused by the W, I went into a funky zone that has our relationship where it is.
If she is in fact depressed, you can't make her get treated but at least you'll know where this mess is coming from. Your W shares some of the my W's ways. E.G, they think money grows on trees and we can go out and pick it for them
Thanks for the fast replies. NOPkins, I really don't think she is cheating. She has very good morals, and I don't think she would do it. Also, she is so busy, I don't think she would have the time. Blackrook, yes she is depressed and on Prozac for it. There is a lot I didn't mention in the first post. I didn't want to get to detailed and bore everyone. Anyway, we both have alcoholic families. I grew up without a dad. My mom never remarried. I was lucky enough to have good role models in my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. We all lived together. To this day, if anyone needs help, the others won't hesitate to help. They work hard and enjoy themselves on the weekend. My wife's wasn't as lucky. I think her mom married her dad to spite her parents. He was 38 and she was 24. They ended up getting divorced when my wife was 20. The mother in law is a very mean and vindictive person. The thing that scares the crap out of me, is I notice my wife getting more and more like her every year. I grew up watching a family pull together to make things work. I think that is why I am so giving, understanding, and willing to help my wife. My wife, I suspect, saw her mother mentally and verbally abuse the dad. I think this is why she is that way. Although, the transformation has only occurred the last few years. It is kind of funny how I met my wife.I worked with her father. He lived close by, and we used to go for dinner quite a bit. Then one day his daughter stopped by. I was immediately in love. I thought this was the perfect deal. Her dad and I shared the same job. She grew up seeing what he could provide, so it must be alright. My father in law lived at their summer cottage. When I asked about the wife, he told me how she quit drinking and smoking and overnight turned against him. This really scares me, it is exactly what my wife is doing to me. So, it gets even better. My mother in law ends up cutting us a great deal on the house she got in the divorce. My wife has lived in this house for 33 years. We still have the same phone number! We talked about the house and my wife didn't mind staying there. She said someday she wanted a new one. I said that was fine. Then after a year she got on a kick if it was remodeled she would feel better. Over the years I have moved bedrooms, bathrooms, etc. Still, she is unhappy. Now that we are not getting along the best, I can't see spending a ton of money to get a different house just to see if it will make her feel better. She was having a hard time dealing with stuff in her early 20s. One day I find out she is taking Prozac. It was prescribed by a family practitioner. The same guy prescribed Claritin without ever seeing me. My wife just happened to be in the office and told him about my allergies and he wrote a prescription. I was really pissed when I heard about the Prozac. I think some doctors give out way to many drugs. I felt this should have been prescribed by a Psychologist. I was doing some research on Prozac and saw it had libido issues in 11% of the users. I told my wife, her doctor said it wasn't true. I told our counselor this, he said it wasn't true. I really blame the Prozac on most of it. She also tried every other available antidepressant. Some of those drugs had some very scary side effects. I saw her get very, very sick when she stopped taking them. Again, the doctors that gave her these didn't inform her of the risks. She still takes Prozac. I think some of the hostility toward me comes from the fact that she wants a better life style than I can give her. I am a tight wad. I don't spend money foolishly. I am not afraid to spend it, I just don't like to waste it.Her friends buy new houses and drive unbelievable vehicles. I have no idea how they are swinging it. I remember her coming home from work and asking me if I knew what a home equity loan was. She must have been talking to the girls at work and I suspect they told her that is how they get nice stuff. I notice that she goes from one drama to the next. She always has to be spinning out over something. She never sits still. She will take the smallest thing and make it a big deal. If she has something that could be done it two months, it will get done the first week. She was never this way. Could this be a side effect of the Prozac? When I met her, she was a slob. There were so many dirty dishes in her bedroom, and clothes all over. Now I better not leave 2 bread crumbs on the counter or a shirt laying on the floor. It is very strange. If you met her, you would like her. Everybody does. If I told people what kind of wife she was, they wouldn't believe me. She is a fantastic mother to my son. I give her all the credit in the world for that. I just pray someday she will see me as a teammate and not the enemy. Thanks for helping. I really appreciate it. I have nobody to talk to about my situation. I work with most of my friends and can't confide in them. I don't want everyone at work to know what is going on.
Go check out a couple of websites dealing with bipolar disorder (manic despressive syndrome).
A good place to start is http://bipolar.about.com Check out the essentials bar at the left. If the symptoms match your wife, the last thing she needs is prozac. I am not saying that she is bipolar, but some of the things you mentioned about her could indicate that there are some chemical issues at work.
Disclaimer: My advice is worth exactly what you are paying for it :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
