Just picked up a fabulous new (I think) book which is a definite must read...I'm alread half way through it.
It's called "Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirly P. Glass PhD.
Folks, this one has it ALL:
Here's a sampling of the contents:
1) a chapter on the myriad ways in which people can slide the slippery slope from "just friends" into a full blown E or PA.
Signs, signals, how to put up roadbloaks...what to look for if you suspect any "friendship" is crossing the line.
2) How such "friendships" can cross the line into a Double Life
This was VERY illuminating for me, and fit perfectly with how CJ described the progress of his A's
3) the Moment of Revelation (or as we know it "the bomb")
tips and good advice on how to handle suspicians, confrontations, and TAL!!! this author (unlike 83% of her colleagues) advocates us being our own, or even hiring a detective in certain circumstances
4) the many ways A's are revealed and the levels of betrayal and hurt involved...for example the unprompted confession vs dragged on suspicians, denials, lies, cover-ups, and trickling of info
Hearing about it from friends, strangers, the OP!!! (as was my case) or uncovering it on your own
5) In the wake of discovery: Essential advice on how to handle the incredibly difficult days and months right after the bomb
Typical reactions of both the betrayed and unfaithful partners....
The effects of the Trauma...dependent on all kinds of variables...why some of us are affected more than others
Yes she uses PTSD terminology as she quite rightly equates the emotional trauma of what we went through to the more typical "natural disaster/assault/warfare" traumas ususally associated with PTSD.
6) Of course there is a section on ENDING THE A...as a necessary part of rebuilding the M, or even giving it a decent shot (this is a very Pro-M book)
7) Ambivalence on the BOTH sides...to stay or call it quits.
GREAT advice on SHARING feelings of ambivalence...as this can draw us closer together.
7) How to cope with Obessions and Flashbacks!!!
8) How to repair good will and begin to piece
(Great insights on how even "trying to work on it for the kids or "family unit" can lead to falling back in love with your S!!!)
There's LOTS more here folks, that's as far as I've read...but it goes into HOW to reveal all of the aspects of the A...in what order is usually the best...quizzes on your Relationship vulnerability...Forgiveness...Healing Alone
And last but not least (SAGE!!!): A mini guide to safe friendships and a Secure Marriage
Vote #2 for that book! That book and the book Emotional Infidelity go hand in hand.
Oh, and about being your own PI--I still disagree with the majority opinion on these boards on that subject. I still allow myself the urges to snoop--although these days--I find that it comforts me to know that I expect to find nothing amiss--and my expectations are confirmed.
this book scared the bejeepers out of me when I flipped through it in the library. Maybe I took it out of context? I just remember feeling "oh, crap, if we don't DO this stuff then our m. is doomed" with "this stuff" being, I dunno, talking about boundaries (smacks of control to h, doomed to fail for us right now), etc.
Perhaps 'tis time for another look see? sounds like it with two highly respected opinions saying "go for it"!
Putting it on reserve at the library...
Sage
PS We ARE in another place now, though....for sure! Last night h mentioned "I don't think B. is coming for study group on saturday" (meaning that he and J will be alone for whole day) and my internal and external response was "wow, she's really not into studying! I hope she doesn't regret that".
Big moves forward for h (honesty and openness) and Sage (no gut gripping response).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I must admit I didn't read the whole book, but that book is the reason I found this site and DB. There was an article in our local paper with excerps from the book.It blew my mind! I actually sent a copy to H way back when. Hit him hard.
Unfortunaltely it didn't have the effect I wanted.Instead of stopping the EA, now that H had to admit to himself that's what it was, I believe it pushed him to "explore" it and it turned it into a PA. Not the brightest move on my part
Anyway, I lost my copy of the paper and went on line and discoverd they had interviewed a bunch of MC's and it mentioned DB and this site.Up until then I didn't know anything about EA's.
I especially liked how It descibed how to PREVENT EA's from staring. And how it defined an "A". It was the first time I didn't feel like I was crazy for thinking H was having an A (EA) It described their R to a T.
Maybe it's time I actually read the whole thing. If H and I ever progress further It could help. I had forgotten about it.
hi shiny - thanks - i've got this on order. sounds like a perfect fit for my current insanity.
looking through recent posts, it occured to me that some folks may find a book i recently devoured which was/is of tremendous help and support - Creating a Charmed Life by Victoria Moran
way back when. Hit him hard.
