I finally got to the point in our relationship where I realized how angry and frusterated I was getting about the bi-annual (quarterly if lucky), self initiated lovemaking in my 10 year marriage and have been very actively trying to address the problem because I'm having a great deal of difficulty holding the "brake lever" on having an affair. What bothers me is that she's not addressing it with the same degree of vigor that I am. I told her my conearns and feelings and she recognizes that it's a problem. She doesn't like to talk about the problem at all so I simply gave her my SSM book and asked her to take seriously the feelings described by the HS partner. She seems to think that she can solve her desire problems on her own but what she doesn't realize is that I need indicators that she cares about the problem...like completing the book etc. It's so painful because I terribly want this to work out and I still get the impression that she sees this issue as some sort of new, wacky "phase".
It's not so much about fixing the issue, but more about seeing them actually TRYING to fix the issue. I know I feel this way about my wife, I just want to see her working on the issue non-stop until it gets fixed, and even if she can not fix it, to at least die trying to fix it. But ND spouses never really even try, they are SO unmotivated for sex.
Hi Dave. How long ago did you give her the book? Although us HD (high drive) spouses probably read it in a day or two, it will take her a bit longer. You have to give her some time. But you also have to be firm. You haven't given us much info on your situation except that you've been married for 10 years and have sex a couple-4 times a year. Any kids? What are your ages? Is your W on any medications which might affect her libido (anti-depressants, b/c pills), has she asked her doctor about her low libido? Have either of you gained a lot of weight?
Affairs are usually not a good answer. What you want is for your wife to desire you.
....More Backgroud
We have a very nice, cooperative, peaceful relationship...probably too conflict averse but that's another thing (though it contributes). We're both 35 and I think I'm assessing the direction of my life. We have a 5 yr old daughter which decreased our frequency but it was getting fairly low beforehand. I actually remember looking forward to trying to get pregnant because it would mean more sex but it turned out that the she got pregnant the first time.
Anyway, she is not taking any medications and she gets quite aroused when we actually get together amd she's also fairly open minded and not repressed. She just never wants to be physical.
Since I first brought the issue up as a "big issue" last month, she has been making an effort to be more affectionate and I have acknowledged it. She told me last night that she doesn't want to analyze things like I'm doing and is averse to therapy or following any particular set of excercises presented by a third party. I talked about this with her last night. I told her that I simply wanted her to desire me more...she responded "pick up after yourself and don't irritate me...that's all it will take."...hmm ok...I asked "what irritates you?" her: "talking about the same thing over and over". Cool. as harsh as the response was, it was at least a constructive response. She asked what she could do beyond being more affectionate and while my real desire is for her to have a stronger libido and want be a little more lusty. She simply asked me to write a list of what my expectations and desires are. It's like giving your parents a specific Christmas list with product Ids versus simply saying you like sports stuff....you fear that what you are getting is coerced and not as meaningful as a surprise. But I guess at this point it is better to set my expectations. I think her goal will be to "fake it 'til she makes it".
My goal for myself now is to pick up after myself and shut up.
Dave: I had to laugh. Sounds like your W and mine were cut from the same mold. She loves it when I pick up after myself, and when I take the initiative to clean some area of the house that really needs it. Unfortunately, don't do this if you think it will be a quid pro quo, in other words, if I clean this up, she'll have sex with me. It doesn't work that way, at least not for me. Pick up after yourself because it's the right thing to do.
As far as keeping your mouth shut, especially about the sex, as I said before, while you have to give her some time to read the book, you need to set some boundaries, too. It shouldn't take more than two weeks to a month to read it. If, after a month, she hasn't made some progress in the book, you should mention it to her.
I gave my wife the book about 3 weeks ago and, at first she went ballistic. Then she read the first chapter and half, then, it has sat on the floor collecting dust. I figure in about a week, I'll ask if she's made any progress.
Our situations are so similar. But what I find to be almost impossible to understand is that our 3 wives seem to be so clueless about the need for sex. To think that women at this age would think that is is OK to have marriages without much sex OR affection. I bet I am lucky if my wife kisses me 3-4 times a year. How can women like this be so FREAKIN CLUELESS that they are destroying their marriages. Why would anyone want to be LIKE THESE LADIES ARE. If I was like this I might take a long walk on a short pier. And they have to know that men's lives are really ruled by sexuality. They see it everyday on TV, the male high sex drive. Understanding men is so incredibly simple, and yet these 3 women obviously don't have a clue. And there are millions just like them. Dr. Laura also talks about this almost everyday on her radio show, and she too can not understand how grown women can be so CLUELESS as to what actually makes a marriage work. IT REALLY IS SO SIMPLE, DESIRE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE WORLD (as long as he is a HD Male).
Guys, I just wanted you to know that all women are not clueless. My husband has many similarities to your wives, he claims he has desire but when it comes time for bed he crashes, he also claims he desires me but then it is also followed by another excuse. Basically what I am starting to see is that there are two kinds of people in this world, people who continually have a desire and the others who lose it after puberty or reproduction. I feel like I got stuck with the later type of person, now it is my job to try to figure how to arose his interest. I have tried trips to the ocean, Las Vegas, I went as far as getting rooms with hottubs, views, fireplaces, etc. And I did not get the reaction I was hoping for I am thinking because these were things that would turn me on, maybe this would work on your wife. Have you tried secretly seducing her? Secretly might not be the appropriate word, I mean starting off by running her a candle lit, bubble bath, or how about a massage, staying away from the obvious zones? I am going to try fishing with my husband next, it seems to be the only thing he genuinely gets excited about anymore. Anyway good luck to you and if you have any ideas for me please share!
I don't consider myself clueless at all. In fact, I feel I am guite the animal when it comes to sex and it just gets better as the years go. Unfortuantely, that is not the problem in our marriage. Toys, books, videos, etc. are all good things to have around the bedroom if your wives need a little push. Myself, I can't imagine not having sex. I don't have it every night, but when I do I make up for the nights I missed and it's usually not a "Wham, Bam, Thank you Mam" kinda sex either. Are you men making it worth her time? I mean if you are pleasing her, and she needs to please you too, then I can't imagine why she wouldn't want it. I feel for you!
I don't even care about myself when it comes to sex. I absolutely love the "sensations" of taking care of her orally and she seems to love it too...I always make it worth her while before I consider myself. The eroticism and her desire for me when doing it is the best. I just can't relate why she doesn't take advantage of this more often. She really likes it when we do it. Oh well.
Are we married to the same woman? That's it, the poor lady is wore out from taking care of both of us! No, seriously, everything you said is exactly the same in my situation. Does your wife also see sex as you wanting to get your rocks off, rather then seeking to have an incredible moment of intimacy where you seek to please her? Many women, my wife included, see sex as a physical act, they just don't get the emotional connection. They also see it as us guys wanting to get off, they don't understand that the greateset pleasure us guys get is in driving THEM nuts. Your wife and my wife sound so similar, they love the sex when they have it, they just never DESIRE or think of it. My wife also sees it as being a lot of work for the brief pleasure at the end. And when I give her head, I do literally have to hold on for dear life. And yet she does not seek this pleasure, such a great mystery. I personally would love to give my wife head at least once everyday, even if their is no sex in return for me. I would tak sex twice a week if she would aloow me to service her daily. That is how much I love to please here sexually.
I think I see what is part of the problem here, I see physical closeness as intimacy (which it is) and she sees intimacy as mental closeness (which it also is). I will bet your wife is similar.
Was your wife ever HD during your relationship? My wife was HD for the first 4 years that I knew her, and when the first child was born, her MOMMY mode took over, and the sex dropped off dramatically and has never come back in 13 years. Apparently many women can not have a MOMMY mode and a LOVER mode at the same time, so they let the LOVER mode slide and even go away. They become fixated on the MOMMY mode. They don't seem to relaize that they are to be LOVERS FIRST and MOMMYS second. The best thing that mothers can do for their children is be their husbands lover. Amazing how many women DON'T understand this very basic concept.
By the way, did you go for it. I'm not sure what I would have done. If you did, do not feel any regret. LD women have to expect that husbands can not be celibate forever!
