I just came accross your thread and it touched me. I am in your exact sitch.
Brief summary - M - 26 H - 24
M - 1 year
Right after we were M I started to get some pain during sex but at the time did not know why. About 5 months after we were M I found a sex ad online that he had placed. I was devestated and wanted a D. He begged me to reconsider and he would go to C with me and also promised nothing ever happened. Well, needless to say, we never went to C and I tried to block it out.
My version of blocking it out was going out with friends (guys and girls) and I eventually became emotionally attached to some guy friends. Nothing ever happened but I emotionally abondoned my H during these 7 months. He would try to spend time with me and I would push him away. It literally kills me to think of the pain he was going through.
Fast forward to October. I started to notice he was backing away from me, came home late from work, and was very angry. He left me a day after our 1st anniversary and told me he wanted a D the next week. The reason he gave was b/c I have hurt him too much and he thinks I had PA. He does have OW right now but I am convinced it is b/c I was not there for him when he needed me.
Our court date was yesterday. It has only been 4 months of S. I did all of the wrong things when he first left. I begged, pleaded, followed. None of it worked so I went along with it. Since that time we have more communication but not alot.
I am at the end of my rope here. I dont know what else to do. I feel like I caused this D and I dont know how to fix the pain I caused him. I symphathize with you.
Luvcats, Thank you. I appreciate your insight. I can see how my W sucked in because he knows her very well. So, that's probably why they talk so much and so often. I'm sure he is validating all of her feelings about the issues we were having. That's the thing that sucks becuase I don't know my W right now. She acting totally different from the person that I've been with for 9 years. DId you also act different during the time you were with your ex? Even our mutual friends say that she is totally acting out of character. I don't get it?
I do really appreciate the insight!
I hope that I and others here can help you with your sitch.
Quote: Sage..You must have crystal ball because that paragraph you wrote about my H thinking Divorce will " cure him" and ease his pain are right on. We did have out talk and he was crying, and yes he said he is divorcing me..I have an appt. with an attorney this week. I am agreeing to everything..telling him he can be at home as much as he wants(we have 2 kids)..so he is relaxed and happy now and he actually spent the night here instead of going to his apt. I did have some moments of anger today but I am trying to diffuse them immediately..
Unfortunately, I didn't need a crystal ball...just had to remember how I felt in my darkest moments after finding out about h's a.
Do you see the wonderful babystep in your above paragraph? AND, how with your acceptance and love of him you've created an environment where he can just BE...? I'm hoping that you'll continue to DB...'cause this sounds like you're going to have lots of great contact and opportunity with h.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sorry Sage..I Do think you have a crystal ball! well after all the drama of my H saying he's filing for D everything is so relaxed here. My H had himself so stressed about talking to me.I agreed with everything he said and it works! So guess who has been hanging around at home alot and we even had a intimate evening together! Pretty amazing..he told me that he still hadn't changed his mind about the D..So I will keep DBing and hopefully make more progress. Sage is right on,he thinks a D will take the pain away.He is still on the rollercoaster and we don't know when the ride of emotions will end do we? I see how much my behavior effects him now..
To pleasehelpme..Men have enormous pride issues,and that theme kept popping into my head as I read your post. Did you ever find out why you were having pain during sex? Did you two talk about it? Men like to think they are Don Juan and when that ego gets a blow they will do anything to pump it up..DO you blame your pain for him looking online for sex? Can you go to C even if he won't? Hang in there..
I did find out recently that I had an ovarian cyst which was a reason why sex was very painful for me.
Yes, H has alot of pride issues...He actually has told me that it hurts his pride that he lost his job, ect. I also know it is very hard for men to get over the thought of their W having an A. It kills there ego.
At the beginning of our S he would come to me with this ridiculous comments that I knew were coming from OW. She was feeing his ego and telling him that she couldnt believe I was not there for him ect. You know how these woman are. Anything to get their way. My H has always been a follower and this case is not any different.
I used to blame myself for his sex ad but I have since forgiven myself. I know it is not my fault.
I know the pain you feel when you feel like you are responsible for what is happening. I am starting to get over that but it will take quite awhile.
Ill keep checking in on your thread since or sitch are so similiar. I hope everything is going ok with you
Hello, Glad your R with H is getting better. Db is a great book. However, I think you would benefit reading a book or two about affairs. There are some excellent ones and they will help you understand what happened a little easier. Do not keep beating yourself up for what happened.
Another Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Yes,I have read several books on affairs...I fit alot of the criteria.I had a "life crises event"(my son) my H and didn't communicate well and stopped doing things together..I wish I would have seen the signs back then! I haven't posted in awhile because my H has been here everynight!(cuts into my computer time!) we have ML twice..What is happening here?? He tells me he wants a D last week and now he is relaxed.. Last night he did say he wants us to talk this week so I think he is moving forward with his plans.. I had a phone consul with Vernetta..She said he is like a bungee cord..He will get close to me then pull back for a few days..
Please send words of hope my way!! I am feeling so hopeless right now..my H seems deadset on this D..I am trying to do DB and be positive but inside I am dying..It is killing me all of this. I made an appt with a MC and he did say he would go..I definitely do not want to get my hopes up..He seems so motivated to start this D.I keep hoping he will slow down and just let time heal our wounds..
