Hi. I'm new to this board, so I wasn't sure where to post this.
Here is my situation. I have dated the same girl for about 4 years. We are both in our early 30's. For the past year and a half we have been talking about marriage - she's ready, I'm not sure. In most issues of compatability, she and I are very similar. I think I love her, I'm just not sure. One of the problems I have is that I am not very attracted to her sexually. It's not that I don't want to have sex, I do, it's just that I usually think about having sex with other women. I'm constantly wondering if "the grass is greener on the other side." However, I would NEVER cheat on my girlfriend or wife. It's just that I don't really desire having sex with her. Which is unfair to her that I am not dedicated to her and our relationship in that respect. Plus, I feel like I am being a jackass and wasting her time.
I want to change my attitude towards her and our sex life. She is great in all other respects, and I think I want to marry her and have kids. But I'm scared about my feelings towards her. I think I love her, but I'm not sure. I've read some other posts about love on this board, and I guess the author may be right. Basically her point was that love is a decision that you make and dedicate yourself to. Maybe it is, but isn't there also some feeling behind everything?
Anyway, I am looking for advice about what to do. I purchased "The Sex-Starved Marriage", but it seems that my particular issue - still very much desiring sex, but not desiring my partner - is not really covered in the book. Maybe I should re-read it. Does anyone have any advice about how I can re-kindle my desire for my girlfriend? Or, do you think that my not wanting to have sex with her is a powerful signal that we are not meant to be together? Any advice would be appreciated. I just want to do the right thing for the both of us. Thank you.
first off what is it that you find attractive about other women that you don't see in your gf?
what attracted you to gf in the first place? are those things still there?
does gf express any displeasure with the sex life?
Since after 4 years you can still only say that you "think" you love her I think you should spend some time thinking about what love and marraige means to you.
From a woman's point of view, I have been married to my husband for 20 years, I love him very much, and our sex life is GREAT. Unfortunately, within the last few years, I have to admit that men are looking very good to me and I feel like a cat in heat. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and yah...I wonder what it would be like with other men. So back to your questions...I think you will probably always have these feelings, it's how to control them. Unfortunately, I haven't figured it out yet. That is probably why my marriage is in jeopardy. Maybe your relationship with your girlfriend isn't marriage material, but just a great friendship.
