My husband and I both have similar drives so frequency is not the issue. The problem is that I am not attracted to him at all. He says he is attracted to me, but there really is no passion. I feel like I am acting and that we are just shooting for the physical response. I look at him and I think Ugh!! Other people think he is handsome and he certainly is not overweight, but I just see someone who never bothers to look good for me, eats junk food, doesn't care about personal hygiene, etc. Of course, there are many, many other issues but it seems like everyone else here still has the attraction for each other but just has a difference in sex drives. Since I am not attracted to him, I don't feel a desire to work on improving the quality of sex.
Well if it is YOU who has these issues it will be YOU who will have to change in order to get your H to change. Have you tried communicating these feelings to him? And I mean REALLY communicating these things to him. Not nagging him or complaining about it. But from the heart telling him in VERY specific terms what it is that you WANT/EXPECT from him?
If not you have some work to do. Read Michele's books and better yet get her marriage breakthrough tapes it will teach you EXACTLY how to talk to your H and get him to do your bidding.
I believe the person here with the problem is you. I think you have convinced yourself that your H is not attractive, so therefore, he is not attractive to you. I believe with a simple shift in perception, and some radical changes in your thought patterns, you can fix this one on your own.
If you spend any amount of time criticizing or nagging your H about his appearance, you may have done more damage to his self-esteem than you realize.
I have a friend who's husband is overweight (was, actually). For years he had a problem with his weight fluctuating, and it got to the point that all he would do is lie around the house, wouldn't shower, wouldn't shave, and sometimes, wouldn't even brush his teeth.
She had harped and nagged and criticized him so much that finally his anger won out and he stopped doing these things on purpose as a means of rebellion.
When she finally shut up and stopped nagging him, he got his butt up off the couch. She started looking for things about him to be proud of, and started complimenting him on those things. When he made a trip to the doctor for a physical exam, he realized that part of her complaints had merit beyond just 'beating him up.' He found the strength he needed to loose weight and take more effort with his personal hygiene, etc. She became his cheerleader, and now, he has surpassed HER in his ability to maintain his weight/appearance, etc.
I think what you need to do is start looking for things, even small things, that you like and appreciate about your H. And as soon as you have a thought about what is turning you off, stop your thoughts immediately and start thinking of the good. Start complimenting him, and drop ALL nagging or criticism. Work on your facial expression. SMILE at him more, hug him, and give him lots of non-sexual (and sexual) physical assurances.
Make sure you H knows you LOVE him exactly as he is, and that he really, really knows it. I bet in a short amount of time, you will see in him incredible changes, and I bet you are going to wonder how you'd missed it all before.
Attraction is normally the #3 Male need in marriage, and usually not so important to women. But their is nothing wrong with having it high like yu do. Your husband should do everything possible to make himself attractive to you. Maybe Corri's advice will help you in this quest. But YOU do have the right to expect that your husband make himself as presentable as possible for YOU.
