When WAs Come Home (Where do we go from here?)

[cruiserrg]

Betsey,

Thanks for pulling for my W and I, we need it. And if I see you and T2 along the road, I'll help with the tight coats.

I am starting to see how powerful making my W comfortable in our home and around me is working. I detialed more in my thread, but last night before we went out she said "don't be so clingy in the bar", I said I would and did as she asked. The night went well and she even opened up to me a bit.

I think she needs to feel that I trust her. I also feel that she needs to feel safe in our house from all the R talk. I can see this more clearly now as she is starting to be more comfortable around me. It's slowly going that direction but is even leaps ahead of just a few days ago. And this is mainly due to myself making an extra effort to not worry about my needs and emotions right now.

It has helped emensly to post my days here and get other eyes commenting on the sitch. Others are showing me how hard my W is trying, even when I can't see past my fears. I have to let my fears go, and truely begin to trust her again. I need to put extra effort into acting and believing "as if" I fully trusted my W. It really is helping her when I do this. Its almost like she is testing the water to see if I trust her.

If anyone has any advise on the building of trust for you S, please post up. I am finding this to be an important key to unlocking the potential for my W to fully commit to our M.

[Trying24now]

Reuben,
Trust, my friend, is earned and not demanded. Your W will have to earn hers back...

It is wise for you to curtail all anti-trust remarks when possible, however YOU do have a right to tell HER what YOU need in order to feel that she is trustworthy.

Remember, We're spouses, NOT doormats and there's a difference.
T2

[cruiserrg]

T2,

Thanks for that reminder about my W really needing to build my trust back.

I am having difficulty with telling her what I need in order for me to trust her. See I think her biggest complaint is that I didn't like her hanging out with her friends, especially male friend alone without me.

She has now built a live where she has many friends and hangs out with them a lot. Many are single male friends. She still doesn't involve me when she hangs out with them, but tells me that she is with other friends when with them (but I do believe there is some alone time as well)

I really fear that I need to aproach this carefully, because at this point I think she would chose friends over me. Not that I don't want her to have friends, but I feel that a certain level of respect for me would have her not hang out alone with male friends. I have told her this in the past and a few times we spoke while seperated.

I know that I need to set up some boundries in this area, but I fear at this point she is not comfortable enough in our M to do remain "in the boudries". I am really struggling with this, and that I believe is where my fear of not wanting to be with the new her comes from.

My hope at this point is that she will lessen this as we grow stronger in our M, but I also fear that me not clearly stating what I need for her to be trusted again will lead her to keep up the things that break my trust. Its kinda a catch-22.

Help with this would be great, at this point I think we need to address in MC rather than alone. But I know I can't control what she does, and she understands the effect it has on me. I just don't believe at this point she is too worried about my need to trust her.

[Jamesjohn]

My hope at this point is that she will lessen this as we grow stronger in our M

This seems to be the way it usually goes.

I went round and round with my wife about this "new friend" deal. This was a cheeseless tunnel, as the more I let it bother me, the more she would fight me on it, and keep going out with them. At times, it seemed to almost be just to spite me!

I finally got tired of fighting about it, and tried to put my insecurities about our R off to the side. I "acted as if" I really did trust her. I didn't trust all of her "friends", though, especially the guys, but I did trust her. Even told her that a time or 2.

From there, I tried to concentrate on building up our R, instead of focusing on tearing down her relationship with any others. Most of these other relationships self-destructed on their own, without my intervention. After just a short while, she got tired of some of the new gang, and some of the others proved that "they" couldn't be trusted by her.

Eventually, doing stuff with me, or just staying home, were better options for her in her own eyes. The new friends just seemed to fade off into the sunset, and some of our old friends started coming back into the picture.

[cruiserrg]

JJ

Thank you so much for the post, you can't believe how much it helps me to hear how well your sitch worked out. I despritely hope it will work out like that for me.

How did your W react to you telling her you trusted her, but you did not trust her "new friends" especially the guys. Was this something that brought her closer to working with you on the R as she wasn't fearfull of you not trusting her. I really want to tell my W this, but I am not sure how she will react at this point.

I think I can almost see this happening a bit now. See she has distanced herself a bit from her old friends and even some family for the sake of her new friends. She has confided in me that the guy she was staying with during our seperation is really depressed and she kinda got sucked into that. She now doesn't see him much or talk with him because he was bringing her down.

I guess I need to quit going down this tunnel as you are right there ain't no cheese down here. I will do my best "as if" in trusting her until she finally builds it truely back up with me.

I am also hopefull today goes well with her, as her best friend called and needed her (she hasn't spoken much to and she fought for her M in must tougher circumstances). I trust this friend and she helped me through some of the seperation. I think it may help her find again her true friends.

Thanks again so much, I really needed the advise to keep my hopes up.

[PJS]

Hey Reuben,

I can't offer much.

Just wanted to let you know I'm following your threads.

Be patient. You BOTH have alot to deal with. Trust, guilt, doubt, etc.

I'll keep following and saying a prayer for you.

Patrick

[MissingMyHubby]

Thanks for starting this thread
I don't think I've been to this section before today

Hubby was home recouping for the past week & 1/2
I wasn't ready for him to be home 24 hrs a day
especially with out notice like he did

I've been asking the same questions
that you have on your list
plus a few others

like is it weird to have thoughts of hubby invading my space?
i mean i was glad he was there...

but there was a part of me that wanted...

my own space on the bed
& tv viewing schedule abit back on schedule
to feel free to talk on the phone

weird?
is it normal to feel this way a bit?
i did notice that i felt it more at night
or during some times when i wanted to do other things
things which i wasn't able to do since hubby's unexpected doc bills
cleared out my account so i was broke & couldn't go or do anything

definately i'll be checking this thread
& the piecing section which I hadn't read any of yet

but hopefully joining this section
& leaving the MLC Roller Coaster before years end

[Trying24now]

Dj,
It is ironic that while they're not at home we pine away for their presence in the house...and during their absence we begin to make new "routines" for ourselves that we become very comfortable with.

I know that while my H and I were separated I actually enjoyed having the TV all to myself. Although I don't watch it very often, at least I didn't have to listen to the incessant sounds coming from the Fox News network that my H is addicted to.

I came to prefer my "H's side of the bed because it really is the most convienent to the alarm clock, bathroom etc. And I loved being able to jump in my jammies at 5pm if I wanted to or go to bed early just to fall asleep reading.

I liked the 'freedom' of NOT feeling I had to answer to anyone about anything. I came and went as I pleased...I learned the pleasure of that freedom that my H had known throughout or M. I had always announced my itinerary he never did....now I don't.

But, he IS home and it's back to the voice of Bill O'Rielly harping through the TV and I'm back on the 'wrong' side of the bed.

I've learned to compromise, I bought a wireless head set so that I can still watch TV in bed while he falls off to sleep, which eliminated a problem we had post separation because I liked TV as a way to fall asleep and my H couldn't fall asleep with the TV on. Now we're both happy about the arrangement.

So it is funny how all of a sudden our spouses being home does 'cramp our style,' now that we've had a taste of spoiling ourselves.
T2

[MissingMyHubby]

Dj,
It is ironic that while they're not at home we pine away for their presence in the house...and during their absence we begin to make new "routines" for ourselves that we become very comfortable with.
Your post makes me feel so much better
I wasn't prepared for his stay
I did enjoy it while he was here
but just got a bit worried as I did find times when
I kinda wanted him at his mom's house
just 'cause I felt cramped & out of my routine

I know that while my H and I were separated I actually enjoyed having the TV all to myself. Although I don't watch it very often, at least I didn't have to listen to the incessant sounds coming from the Fox News network that my H is addicted to.

I came to prefer my "H's side of the bed because it really is the most convienent to the alarm clock, bathroom etc.
I think it's a male thing -
Hubby's side of the bed is the same way

And I loved being able to jump in my jammies at 5pm if I wanted to or go to bed early just to fall asleep reading.
Ok so I'm not the only one who's out of "clothes" early in the so called day
I knew there were others like me out there
as soon as i come in the house off go the clothes
when son came home i had to switch to nite shirts
befre he came home i was just in panties & bra
like the movie next friday joked about lettin it all hang out

I liked the 'freedom' of NOT feeling I had to answer to anyone about anything. I came and went as I pleased...I learned the pleasure of that freedom that my H had known throughout or M. I had always announced my itinerary he never did....now I don't.

But, he IS home and it's back to the voice of Bill O'Rielly harping through the TV
Bill's not so bad, think of him as a bad comedian
and I'm back on the 'wrong' side of the bed.


So it is funny how all of a sudden our spouses being home does 'cramp our style,' now that we've had a taste of spoiling ourselves.
T2

Thanks for the words of encouragement
Think I'm now ready for the next loop de loop
Lets see what happens over this weekend
Tonite hubby's at his mom's up on the 3rd floor alone
basic cable, no munchies readily available
he's got lots of thinking time up there on the 3rd floor
about how the past 2 weeks have gone
how the past 1+ yr of his MLC has gone
what he's done to his own body with his MLC Replay stuff
(2 missing front teeth - denial is a bit hard to be in right now)
3 minor babystep items today
this morning he told his mom we're looking for a 3 family house
he found out where the outlet mall is to go for my winter coat
he brought home 2 reams of paper for the puter & fax machine

well let me head for bed
i can finally get some sleep now that he's at his mom's
Did I Say That?

[cruiserrg]

DJ,

I totally understand your feelings. I find now that my W is home I have less time to do as much reading, praying, journalling and self reflection. I too had found some new routines that have been changed a bit since she is here.

The way I look at it though, is it is really helping me be happy with myself when my W is out with friends. I can go out with friends too, but I now am just a secure enjoying a night alone doing what I did while she was seperated from me. I actually look forward to come of those times to have more "for myself relaxation"

I am so happy she is here, but now I am comfortable when she is not. Amazing, I may actually be finding the loving detachment that I needed, and its bettered myself be being able to be happy alone as well.

As I type this, its a revelation to me...As my biggest fear has always been to be alone. Its amazing how much a journey like this can change a person, especially when we are trying to better ourselfs (for ourselves and our spouses).

If feel good, enjoy it. God works in mysterious ways.