say nothing and assume that nothing will change and you will therefore be misserable in the r and maybe at somepoine leave?
that will probably be communicated to h whether you want it to or not and who knows then what could happen.
Look for the positives in the r and water them occassionally picking out the weeds or adding lady bugs (in the form of your own version of vb, something for you a hobby that you invest yourself into?) to eat away at the weeds.
this may peek h's interest, may make him wonder may make him decide to vest a bit more time in the r and family and eventually not depend so much on vb for that sense of pride.
as you may recall my h's ow was a customer of his...irked the living crap out of me that she continued to stay a customer after he returned home. I wanted her gone, wanted him to start moving his business closer to home...always excuses and reasons why these couldn't occur. His reasoning for not dropping her as a customer very much mirrors your h's reasoning for not dropping ow as a vb partner. well low and behold once I finally resigned to the fact that she was going to stay a customer...poof! She's not a customer any more AND h has spoken of placing adds in the local paper for business! I'm not suggesting that if you do this or that your h will suddenly drop vb and playing with ow but it is possible.
According to Dr. Laura (you can take this info with a grain of salt if needed ) men view sports as an outlet for their competitive nature...they need to excel at something. Apparently your h gets a big ego boost from winning at VB. His job is not providing him with the necessary boost to his ego or winning attitude. I seriously do not think it is about the OW as a reason for him playing.
He wants you...otherwise why come back? He loves you. He chose you over OW.
IMHO, you should not make this VB an issue about OW. It's just your h's competitive nature...you mention that this has not changed since his single days, right? Even the A with OW may have been his attempt to feed his ego not cause he didn't love you.
He wants to play and does not want you to make it an issue...so don't. What can you do to support him? Maybe turning the tables and being supportive will make him do it less? Or maybe you can join something and have him watch the kids one night?
I'd say do the opposite of what you normally do when faced with this and see if you can't turn this around to your advantage.
I know it is hard...I face the same thing with my h and his constant going ons with single friends. It's hard and I understand your discouragement...keep going forward with your m...cause you know the alternative (divorce) is not the solution (or at least poses more drawbacks).
Okay I guess maybe I’m in a poor me mood. I don’t know.
I am fairly supportive of H playing VB, I do complain sometimes when he plays 3-4 times a week, it’s just a lot. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut. I don’t even act upset. Mostly I’m not upset. I can’t however be supportive of his co-ed league as in go watch. It’s at sport club and H says I can’t get in anymore. Two years ago I did. He said they are strickter now.
I really do need something I could do, a hobby. Something that could get me out of the house 1-2 times a week. Of course it can’t interfere with H’s VB. I never have really done an activity on a regular basis other than Karaoke but that is late at night during the week at bars, I just can’t do that scene all the time. I’ve never done sports I’m not good at them. I’m not creative. So, I just don’t know what to do.
The other thing is I DID stop making him playing with the OW an issue. I thought we were getting somewhere but it was mainly his shoulder problems that the playing with OW got cut back. Now that he is healthy it is going into FULL swing again. Me backing off did not make H decide for himself he shouldn’t play with OW. But see it IS an issue. I HATE it. Even if H and OW had ZERO interenst in eachother than playing it still bothers me. Just for what she represents. BUT I suckied it up and delt with it and stoped asking H not to play with her. I honestly didn’t even act like it botherd me anymore. It got to the point where I really didn’t feel threatned anymor. Well I see it made no difference other than to make H think I’m perfectly okay with it and he is free to play with her as much as he pleases.
VB defintly is an ego boast for my H. Fine. I have no problem with that. But he could play on a leauge that OW is not on. Why did he chose the one she is on???
I guess what is getting to me is there is nothing H and I share. Nothing we do together really. Not a shared interest. Nothing recreational. Only having friends over sometimes, playing cards and having some drinks. Occasionally we go to the Races, just for fun not big gambling. We like some of the same reality shows and watch them together. That’s about it. But see, OW shares his love of VB, or obsession I should say. So it is really hard for me to be supportive of him playing with her, when I don’t get that from him. We don’t even really do much as a family. I take S to the playround, to b-day parties, to the mall, on walks. H never goes. He is just not interested. He is not into the family life. I am. I want to be a mom I want a best friend in my husband. I also want to be my own person with some of my own time It’s not as though I only want to be a mom and NEED my H. He however only wants his own time. He can go DAYS without seeing S or me on a regular basis and it does not phase him.
Oh, maybe I’m in funk. I don’t know. I do need to do something. Thing is it will not peak my H’s interst, he will be thrilled that I have somethig that would take me away, he would probably get a sitter for S and go out himself on the nights I have something.
Uh, when I read this, it sounds like I just shot down all of LL and Cindy’s advice. Not trying to do that, I guess I feel I’ve done some of it already and it didn’t work. Maybe I'm tired of trying to not let H's playing with OW bother me. Honestly I just do feel very down and negative. I’m not used to feeling this way so strongly. It’s not my nature.
You didn't actually negate the suggestions made to you...you simply gave EXCUSES for not doing them.
so h "needs" his vb to keep him happy and proud, I'll buy that (I guess ) but you want a h and family to keep you happy and proud and that somehow comes second to h's happiness?
ok, ok, let's ASSume that h's work isn't enough for him, his son isn't enough for him, his m isn't enough for him and vb gives him the extra ego boost. That's fine and dandy, infact it's healthy.
What is unhealthy is you not being happy, you feeling like you can't have a hobby of your own, your own time etc because it will conflict with h's vb/happiness.
I say tfb for h, Laney has every right to happiness too and if h doesn't find it important to a. give her that time, b. participate in something with her..well then phoey to him.
The fact that you do most of the family stuff with son alone is sadly somewhat the norm (thought I would hope that most dads are absent due to work and not their pleasure but we can't get pissy with h because of it instead pitty him for all that he's missing in seeking out this ego boost elswhere) Take advantage and plan weekly events with son that make you and him happy, invite h on occassion but make the best of things for son and yourself.
re a hobby for yourself...doesn't have to be sports, though there are many that you could be good at if given a chance...why not try bowling or darts (they both have leages as well and are co-ed to boot perhaps h might get a clue that way and if not well you might just find something you enjoy that helps you do understand his infatuation with vb competitions)
I know I ramble and talk all over the place...can't help my spider web brain...
re. cheering h on...well maybe you can't go to the games (huh? your h is playing there and they wont let you in? w'sup with dat?) son is old enough now to throw a ball around right? why not set up a mini vb net in the yard or somewhere in the house with a nerf (soft spoungey) vb and teach him to play like daddy? let h over hear you saying "maybe one day you will be as good as daddy at vb"
I still think it all sucks but that doesn't mean it's not workable.
) men view sports as an outlet for their competitive nature...they need to excel at something. Apparently your h gets a big ego boost from winning at VB. His job is not providing him with the necessary boost to his ego or winning attitude. I seriously do not think it is about the OW as a reason for him playing.