Quote: Yes, I'd like to plead, beg, whine...I'm scared!! What will he do, I'm about 80% sure he's going to refile come tuesday..
Apparently, the WINNING Cindy must be away for the weekend, doing what CONFIDENT women in her shoes do: not worry about WHAT HE IS THINKING OR DOING BECAUSE SHE CANT CONTROL HIS FEELINGS OR ACTIONS; LEAVING HIM ALONE, CONVINCING HERSELF SHE'LL BE FINE NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES NEXT WEEK, PAMPERING HERSELF ON VALENTINES DAY IF HE WON'T...
The WINNING Cindy leaves no messages, sends no emails, she lets him make the first move, SHE LETS HIM WIN HER BACK, and she handles herself in the manner she did when he was paying more attention to her, that of course is..NO PRESSURE, NO PURSUING, ACTING HAPPY AND FUN AND SEXY AND STRONG, because thats what is ATTRACTIVE..Apologizing and convincing aren't attractive, it NEVER WORKS.
Your H isn't scared, he's not begging, pleading or whining, he's not leaving you voice mails asking you "not to reject this or that.." so why should you behave any differently?
I would not leave any message of any kind, unless you have the courage to tell him you're letting him go.., he's free to file if thats what makes him happy, you PREFER things work out, but you're not standing in the way of his happiness if he decides to leave, you understand, YOU JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY...
Now, if you have the courage to say that, then of course he'll put down the defenses and think about what he really wants, rather than think of how he can get away because he is PRESSURED. I've always felt in your sitch that if you just simply LET GO, and LET HIM KNOW you've LET GO, you'd see him come around more. BUT you always seem to take two steps forward and then one HUGE step back, because you are SCARED OF LOSING HIM. And when you are in the DIVORCE BUSTING business, when you play not to lose rather than play to WIN, YOU WILL LOSE EVERY TIME. WINNING is LETTING GO, LOSING is HANGING ON. When you let go and DB, you probably will win him back if he likes you the RIGHT way. When you continually act out of frear and desperation because you are impatient, then of course, he will pull farther away from you, becuase its LEAVING is more ATTRACTIVE than a begging Cindy, 100% of the time. I know that sounds cold, but thats the Facts Jack!
Again, I'd do nothing, and enjoy your weekend, and let next week unfold as it will without you trying to influence anything. Love must be freely given, not coerced out of fear. Your H must be free to make his own choices, just like you have freely chosen to try and save your M...
Sorry to hear all this! But, about a month ago after telling my H I was dismissing the D he said something that ripped my heart apart~ he said he NOW wanted a D!
So I told him, go get it if he thought it would make him happy, but I'm not. So far, I haven't seen anything happen. We are now thinking of doing taxes together, but I don't know if that is good or not...
Tonight H told me that he will be refiling for d come Tuesday. Will get an attorney and get what he wants out of the d...he did not like our previous d so now he will come get exactly what he wants financially...maybe even take the boys half the year.
His intent was to d then continue seeing the mc and if it worked out we could remarry.
I said well I fail to see how I would become high priority with you when we are dating if you were dating while we were married. He verified that if he wanted to date now that we were separated and if we continue to be separated he would continue to date...being married would not stop him.
So now he goes through with the d. It's over. There is no talking to him now.
He said that because of the move I made this week by dismissing the d it just indicates to him that I have not changed...that it continues to be all about what I want. That I gave him no chance to do what he wanted on Friday...get a d. I said well I'm sorry you feel that way...I was only trying to make right what I did wrong by dismissing. I filed I dismissed my suit. He said well if you'd a let us get d we could have continued to see each other afterwards but not now.
So I'm going to get d now but it will be at h's hand not mine. I told him well now the world can see who the bad guy really is...since you will be putting the d through, it will you that divorced us.
He said why do you say us? I said the boys are in this too. He said this d has nothing to do with them. I said it does cause it introduces them to the possibility of another father. he said I'll always be their father I said yes but they can make the choice whether they want to be with you or not. He said no they can't.
Well it looks like my situation is no longer piecing. He's more sure of getting a d now than he's ever been. Actually he said that this past month he's been sure that is what he wants.
I'm so sad to think that all this work of the past month was just him going to get a d. There was never any chance of anything else.
Well winning cindy is back! I called h up spoke to him in person said hey if d is what you want go ahead.
He commenced to threatening me said I should call my attorney to reinstate the d or it will cost me lots of money cause h would get his own attorney and take revenge on me. I said fine do what you feel is right cause I ain't spending anymore money on something I DO NOT WANT and that I know is not right!
After h hung up on me, I spoke to a mutual friend of mine and h's who said I'm in the best position now to call h's bluff. Our friend does not think h has the guts to go through with it cause friend has seen my h in tears not wanting the d. Friend says h does not want the d and if he does end up getting it it will be all about saving his pride. Cutting off his nose to spite his face!
friend said h is now in the hot seat in that he will have to make the d go and it will not be fun, will cost him a pretty penny to get it. Just as it did me this last year paying for something I didn't want. Now the tables are turned and h will find out the hard way what it will take to file for a d. friend says I should play h's hardball and not make it easy. Just as h refused to sign over and over, costing me more and more since he did not want a d then I should refuse to sign and let this whole thing go to court where it will become 50/50. Even things h has now will come into the marital split. I don't think h really knows what can of worms he opened by taking this refiling as a revenge tactic. The courts are not going to award him anything more than the decree we already have...if anything he'll get less. I told him I no longer care about the equity, the house, the cars, he can have it all and be damned. I want the marriage or nothing but the kids. The rest I'll gladly take half or nothing but the kids and be done with him!
Either way h will be the loser. Sorry to say but it is not like I haven't been trying to do everything I can to avoid the d. I know what d means financially.
I feel confident by the end of all this I'll have my h back. H is as scared as I am...h doesn't know what d means but by me turning the tables and actually wanting the d too will give him pause...a long enough pause for a great wake up call!!!
This m will prevail because now I turn to prayer and God's help more wholeheartedly. It is in God's hands now...and what God has joined together let no man separate. No man! I'm going to believe in God...not in what h says or does.
Here's a kick in the teeth to you devil! You ain't getting this m.
In the end if I have to go down, h will know to the very end that I did not want this d. At least if h files for the d, then everyone will know who the real culprit to our marital demise is.
Cindy, I went to bed last night thinking about your H wanting the D and to continue MC afterwards. It doesn't make much sense. It's a pretty high expectation of you. I think it does show someone who is torn or tired or both.
I didn't want the D, but when my H pulled the plug at the last minute I had mixed feelings and misgivings and hope. Then he told me a few days later that the D was back on. I thought "that's okay, at least it will be over and I tried." BUT THEN he didn't file the rest of the papers. Days went by. Weeks went by. I started to get pretty angry that he was dragging it out. I was even a little angry when he started dating me again. Here I had resigned myself to making happiness in a life without him and he's back!
I don't know for certain what your H will do, but I'm pretty sure that he's confused, afraid and angry. You're taking the right stand by not actively pursuing something you do not want and validating his own desire for the D. With a little space, maybe he'll think it through and realize that he shouldn't go in that direction either. Be careful not to paint him into a corner by telling everyone what he said he would do. Action is the only thing that really counts. Take care. --z
Quote: After h hung up on me, I spoke to a mutual friend of mine and h's who said I'm in the best position now to call h's bluff. Our friend does not think h has the guts to go through with it cause friend has seen my h in tears not wanting the d. Friend says h does not want the d and if he does end up getting it it will be all about saving his pride. Cutting off his nose to spite his face!
Wow, and this really helped me! Because all along my H never wanted a D. And now he said he did! I think we are in the same boat girl. So instead of each of us rowing alone lets row together! LOL. Just a joke.
Glad to see you back in the seat. I need to be reminded that there is always hope, no matter what those aliens are spilling from their mouths!
Quote: Be careful not to paint him into a corner by telling everyone what he said he would do. Action is the only thing that really counts.
I'm going to sit back and wait to see what kind ACTION h takes. I'm not scared. This being a community property state I'm sure to walk away with at the minimum 50% if not more. I know I'll get more child support so all in all it looks good for me. He can threaten all he wants...when it comes down to it action is all that matters!
It's funny but the pastor at the church saw my h about 2 weeks ago. Pastor said he went up to h and congratulated him on the work he was doing to reconcile with me. He said h I was at your first divorce hearing and am here to tell you I still support you not wanting the d.
Isn't that ludicrious!? To be congratulated on reconciling when his intent for months h said was to get the d. I just laugh at how God works...continually throwing the reconciliation in h's face. Is that a sign or what?
Well once h finds out how expense it will be to get the ball rolling on the d...he's going to bite off more than he can chew. H thinks he can just resubmit our previous decree; I don't think he can do that but we'll see. Even if he does resubmit he'll have to wait the 60 day cooling off period. Then I can stall to make sure the decree is to my liking...just h did me this past year. Even if h doesn't want to play that game he can take me to court and let the judge split it. The judge may not like the way h has behaved the past year. I've kept a journal of all the good and bad that the judge can read.
I'm going to start saving money for the attorney fee now to get the ball going.
I was also thinking of submitting my taxes now as head of household without h's permission. Since we've been separated for one year and I can file separately and as head of household. I'd get about $2200 back which would help me pay the retainage on the attorney if need be.
I'm not scared...hurt somewhat by the things h said but not scared.
I want also to call h's buddy...the one who made the sell to h that I'm one selfish b***h. I want to bite his head off!
I must confess to struggles right now to go spy on my h. But I reread wiley's post and know deep down that if I do spy there is nothing I can do to change h's actions. He'll do what he wants to do, no matter what I say or do.
I want so bad for it to work...but I'm just sitting here doing nothing. It's hard to do nothing but wait and wonder what he is going to do.
I pray that he changes his mind. I prayed that my guardian angel will whisper in h's ear positive thoughts about the kids and I.
Tomorrow I'm going to friends and hanging out. Going to stay busy. Unlike h I can enjoy having the children. I dread Saturday though...h will be at the boys' soccer game. Oh well lots can change between now and Saturday.
Wow! A lot's going on now. Bigger down-swing on the roller coaster than I expected, but I did say to never underestimate the aliens.
The big thing I see in all this is the self-centerdness of your h. He's mad because you didn't talk to him before dismissing the divorce, yet he never talked to you about his plans to divorce and maybe remarry. Then it's all about what he can get out of the divorce. Him, him, him. Like your MC said, he hasn't done anything to save your marriage.
I've seen all this before in my XW, and I believe you won't have a successful marriage until and unless he grows up and learns how to be a team with you. Think about it - what do you think would happen if he came home tomorrow? How would your life together be different?
I'm really not sure how to handle someone like this, so I'm not sure I have any advice. I can't shake the feeling there's something going on with him that you don't know about. Not necessarily an OW, but some insecurity or secret goal he has that is blinding him. I do know I've seen you grow a lot in the last few months as you've learned how to be your part of the team. Keep that up, it will only help you, your boys, and your marriage.
